A Girl’s Guide to Sex on Spring Break
From the Spring Break Visitors Guide.
If you are female, and heading to Spring Break, your main objective may not be to get laid. This is especially true if you are coming to our little corner of the United States (or so they tell me it is) called South Beach. We are famous for having world-class dance clubs, and lord knows if there is one thing girls love to do it is dance. Alone. Or with friends. But somehow never with us. And don’t worry I have advised the boys to leave you alone while on the dance floor.
But some of you see this as an opportunity to have all the random sex you wanted to have back at school but were to afraid to pursue. And you know it won’t be too tough to accomplish. But as simple as it is for a girl to get laid on Spring Break, there are many issues to consider. Now I have no first had knowledge of this, but what I can tell you is what girls have told me and you may find it surprisingly useful.
IF HE CAN NAME ALL THE CHARACTERS ON “FACTS OF LIFE,” RUN
As a female on Spring Break it is not so much an issue of if you can find someone who wants to sleep with you, it is more an issue of you finding someone suitable. There are a lot of boys out there, and if you are cute (which I’m sure you are all convinced you are) finding a guy to have sex with is easier than getting a drink at most bars. But who to choose and who to avoid?
The absolute worst guy you want to go home with is anyone over the age of 25. They may say they are in grad school or law school or med school or something that sounds equally impressive to girls their age, but most of these guys are nasty locals who make a sexual career out of sleeping with tourists. I know, because I am one. This set is an interesting crowd because they will try to convince you they are older and wiser and somehow a better bet for you and your sorority sisters to come out with, but don’t be fooled - they may be good for a few drinks because it doesn’t take much flirting to boost their aging egos, and they have the disposable income most college students don’t - but you’ll come out ahead sticking to the college guys. They are much less work and you always know what you’re getting. No matter how hard older guys try to convince you, they have lost the necessary stamina for the true 7 day drinking binge, and at least with the college guys you don’t have to worry about making unnecessary conversation about your plans after graduation.
The other downside to older guys, especially ones who live in Miami, is that if they are sleeping with you, they have probably done this with a lot of other tourists. This week. And condoms are by no means a common practice. Remember, Miami locals are not only sleeping with American tourists, but Columbian, Brazilian, Swedish and British tourists as well. So it is really a world of STD’s you are opening yourself up to when going home with a local.
Guys in striped dress shirts who drink Jaeger Bombs and Vodka-Red Bulls all night are not going to be too concerned with giving you a good time, and may be too coked up to perform by the end of the night anyway. And guys in basketball jerseys are, well, guys in basketball jerseys. The best guys to hook up with are the laid back guys who are going out to drink and, if the night goes right, find a nice girl to take home. Or, if the night goes really right, a nasty one.
YOU WANT BOYS? WE GOT BOYS. PLENTY OF ‘EM
These laid-back, I’ll get laid if I want to guys do not go to the Clevelander. The relaxed guys who might actually take the time to talk to you before trying to take you home (they all will eventually) will be found at bars along the strip that may not make nightly appearances on the Travel Channel .The first of these is the Playwright. As the only Irish Pub within walking distance of the tourist spots, this place features reasonably priced pitchers and hot Irish Bartenders (a girl friend’s words, not mine). The guys who go here generally want a more relaxed atmosphere and while the bar can get crowded, it still features tables and a long bar so you can sit down. Because I know wearing heels for 8 hours is not exactly like strolling around in your Easy Spirits. They also sometimes feature a band and have a dance floor where you can dance without 15 guys trying to grind on your ass.
Automatic Slim’s is another fun spot you may not immediately notice. It is not only another less-intense scene than, say, Prive, but it also features a VIP trailer in the back if you want to get that South Beach experience without throwing down $500 for a bottle. But the best part about Slims? They have a stripper pole in the back. Now this does not mean you are welcomed to go up there and take all your clothes off, but nobody except the catty bitches who don’t have the body to do it will mind. Again, the male crowd there tends to be a little younger and you can probably avoid the older, disease ridden Spring Break Sharks.
If you are looking for rich guys to spend money on your top-shelf Cosmos, I really don’t like you very much and I shouldn’t be giving you any advice at all. But, I want this guide to be useful, so my suggestion is to stand outside the line at Prive looking hot and find some guys desperately trying to get in and offer to go in with them. Or, wait for those guys throwing down $500 for a bottle so they don’t have to deal with the bullshit outside. Kindly ask if you can join them as soon as they do, and if you look good enough, and the guys are from out of town, they will most likely say yes. This can also work on crowded nights at Mynt, Mansion(although you may want to find the separate VIP entrance located four doors north), Cameo and Pearl. For more rich guys (or at least guys trying to look rich) you can try Social at the Sagamore or The Delano as well.
“FROM HERE TO ETERNITY” WAS A REFERENCE TO HOW LONG IT TOOK THEM TO GET THE SAND OUT
Look, I’ll be honest. I have no idea what goes through a girl’s mind when she has decided she is going to sleep with a guy. And none of them will ever tell me. But once you’ve found your guy, and you think he’s into you, there isn’t much you need to do to get him to leave. Don’t be afraid to make the first move as even some of the most seasoned Spring Breakers may be hesitant to push it too fast. And this is Spring Break, so you’re really not going to scare anyone off. We’re all here for the same thing. But once the deal has been sealed, a whole new list of problems arises.
If you are going home with a local, it is not too hard to find a place to consummate your relationship. However, if you are hooking up with the as-advised college boys, there are certain places that will work and certain places that will not. Romantic as it sounds, the beach is NOT one of those places. Why? Sand gets EVERYWHERE. And yes, by EVERYWHERE I mean EVERYWHERE. So unless your have a vibrator at home that is covered in sandpaper, I suggest you avoid this particular place. A lifeguard stand is a good option as it is typically devoid of sand. If you are more daring you can go back to his room, provided it is empty. If your friends are willing to stay out for a little longer, you can use your room, but you should develop some sort of system to let them know you are in there. A scrunchie on the door, a do not disturb sign, or excessive moaning are all good indicators that your girls should stay out.
BYOC: Bring Your Own Condom
If you want to have sex on Spring break, bring condoms out with you. I know in real life this is generally the guy’s responsibility, but on Spring Break most guys fail to remember to do this. Actually, they do “remember” but do not do it for fear of jinxing the night. Spring Break, also, is the one time you can go out with condoms in your purse and your girlfriends will not snicker with disapproval as they see them while rifling through your purse for lip gloss. As I’ve said, we’re all here for the same reason, right?
Never go home or leave with a guy unless you are prepared to have sex (at least oral) with him. You may like him and want to keep talking or make out and you may say, “Yes, you can come over but I’m not having sex with you.” But if I had a nickel for every girl who has told me that and then ripped my shirt off as soon as we got home, I might be able to buy a bottle of Diet Coke. He may say “Okay, fine,” but he is still expecting to get some. Conversely, do not believe a guy who invites you over and says “We don’t have to do anything, I just want to stay with you.” By with you, he means in you. It is bullshit, go home alone or with your girlfriends. Unless you want to have sex with him, then by all means, go to town.
UH, YEAH, I’M SOMEWHERE CALLED “CUTLER RIDGE?”
When you leave with him, especially if your first instinct is to bolt as soon as he falls asleep, be sure to pay attention to where you are going and how to get back to where you are staying from where you end up. It may be as easy as knowing the number to the local cab company and the address of your hotel, but sometimes it’s a little trickier - remember, when calling a cab to come pick you up you need to be able to tell them the address of where you are located. This can be especially complicated when going home with locals because they aren’t usually staying in the hotel next to yours. Or even the city next to yours. If these places are called “Hialeah,” “Little” Anything, or “Liberty City,” do not go home with this man. Similarly, if you find yourself on the Florida Turnpike you better ask this guy if he’s planning on giving you cab money.
When trying to figure out where you are, try remembering cross streets and sometimes building street numbers. Don’t take this point for granted, your friends won’t exactly have access to Mapquest while drinking on the beach, and even if they did it’s still hard to type “Lauderdale By The Sea” after your 15th vodka-tonic. A quick tip, text message yourself any important information such as street names, numbers, cab numbers, etc.
AM I GOING TO HAVE TO CHEW OFF MY OWN ARM TO GET THE F*&K OUT OF HERE?!
First things first the morning after, you should probably be strategizing your exit before you open your eyes. With your eyes closed you’re still “asleep” which gives you a chance to develop a plan. At this point you have a few options to consider. If you know you don’t want to continue this particular “Spring Break relationship” you have a couple of choices:
If you think there may still be potential for this “relationship” to continue (at least for the next 3 nights) you have a new set of choices; at this point you can:
OMIGOD, YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT..,
If you’re on Spring Break with your roommates, your crazy sorority sisters, or your otherwise crazy best friends you can pretty much tell them everything. Include every hysterical detail, up to and including size, stamina, smell, odd fetishes, disfigurements, ridiculous dirty talk, positions or anything else your friends may find entertaining. Because the best part of a random hook up is reliving the story the next day and being able to add your own commentary. However, if your friends are more the “drink bottled beer and go dancing” type, you may want to edit your stories a little. If you choose to edit, you must tell them enough of the details that they aren’t suspicious you are leaving anything out. For example, include the late night dip in the ocean in your underwear (even if you weren’t wearing underwear) and going back to find 5 of his friends passed out in his room (even if they didn’t get back until after the two of you had sex on every surface in the room). See where I’m going with this? Good.
SHOULD I KEEP HIM AROUND OR TOSS HIM LIKE A USED CONDOM?
Why, you may ask, would you want to sleep with a guy more than one night on Spring Break? Well, aside from the obvious safety reasons, it can also provide a sort of strategic advantage. Say, for example, your first night there you hook up with the cute guy in the next room since he was so nice to offer to help you with your luggage. There is nothing more convenient than hooking up with someone who is staying next door to you, like the ease of walking back in the morning to your own toothbrush and facewash. They are also generally not overly concerned if you find someone more interesting to hook up with on night 2, as they are probably doing the exact same thing. If you don’t find anyone better on night 2, however, you still have the neighbors to fall back on. Sometimes you get the best of both worlds, you find someone who is at least as interesting while you’re out drinking and can hook up with them without feeling guilty for coming back late and hooking up again with the guy next door.
This being said, assuming you had planned on 5 guys for 5 nights, any guy who thinks he’s getting 2 nights of your time can cause a problem. The answer to this dilemma depends on how nice you are. If you’re truly in the Spring Break spirit and have no interest in continuing a “relationship,” simply pretend you have no idea who this person is and act confused as to why he is trying to talk to you (this is much easier if you either a) bolted as soon as he fell asleep, or b) woke up first and bolted before anyone else in the room was up…that way he might actually think he has mistaken you for someone else.) If you’re feeling more tactful, either because you really are that nice or because you simply have not had enough to drink yet, you can use the time tested “I just need to run to the bathroom” excuse. On the way to the “bathroom” you quickly round up your friends and head to the next bar by way of the exit closest to the women’s bathroom. This tactic works well because most guys are either too drunk or have too short of an attention span to follow you or even remember to wonder where you went.
So, ladies, I hope you have found my little guide for you helpful. I know not all of you are as hell bent of having sex on Spring Break as the boys are, but it is the one time you can truly indulge your urges without the concern of what people will think. I would say what happened here stays here, but this guide (at least for you) would not have been possible if some very helpful ladies did not share their stories and advice with me. Good luck this month, and remember….the sand gets EVERYWHERE.
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