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A Guy’s Guide to Sex on Spring Break

March 02, 2007 By Matt Meltzer in Miami: Local NewsMiami: Travel News  | 6 Comments

From the Spring Break Visitors Guide.

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What is it about Spring Break? You know all those stuck-up, too good to talk to you girls at your school? Why is it as soon as they get to Spring Break they all act like they’re in a women’s prison? Well, the alcohol is an obvious factor, but most college girls get not-allowed-into-the-dorms drunk the rest of the year anyway. No, the real reason is simple: Unless you are a character on Laguna Beach you only go on Spring Break with your closest girlfriends. Like the “Oh my God guess what I did last night” type who will laugh with you about your various sexual indiscretions. Now, they may very well go and talk shit about what a slut you are behind your back, but it will not lead to the type of gossip that hooking up in front of your entire Freshman Lecture class might. As we all know, most girls want it just as much as we do, they just usually have to deal with a lot more shit afterward. Take that away and the playing field is level.

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But while getting ass on Spring Break is exponentially easier than it is, say, on a 10-month tour of Iraq, it is by no means a sure thing.  And even if you are coming to Miami, where the ratio is about even, you still have to find the right girls, stave off competition, avoid cockblocks and manage to take her home. And this, friends, is where my advice to you comes in.

LEAVE A TIE ON THE DOOR AND THE CONDOMS WITH THE FAT GUY

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Success in finding a girl on Spring Break, much like in life, begins with the preparation. First of all, NEVER bring condoms out with you. Ever. Girls can smell condoms in your pocket and will run away from you faster than Devin Hester at the Super Bowl. Am I saying do not practice safe sex? Of course I’m not. What I’m saying is don’t ever be the guy with the condom in his pocket. There is always one guy in every group who is either A) Gay B) Fat or C) Inexplicably faithful to his girlfriend who is undoubtedly spring breaking in another city. And by Spring Breaking, I mean having a train run on her nightly by an entire fraternity. THIS is the guy who should handle all contraceptive devices as he is not going to be getting laid. (Actually, the Gay guy will but his night really won’t start until 5 AM anyway).

Additionally, condoms are not always necessary for a Spring break hookup. Girls often carry them out during Spring break as well, since it is the one time her girlfriend may go through her purse and find one and NOT immediately label her a raging whore. But even if they don’t, when you are both drunk and horny and have sand up the crack of your ass, it is seldom that anyone stops to think about protection. Stupid? Yeah, probably, but who ever said this was a guide to good judgment?

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When heading out you and your buddies should also develop a system as to who gets use of the room. If you are separated, establish some sort of signal for the door to your hotel room so that you know your boy is contracting Chlamydia inside. A tie, Do Not Disturb Sign, or excessive moaning are all good ideas. Since we are NOT girls, there is no need to set up a meeting place, escape plan or ride-back program. If you’re getting some, figure out your own way back from Pembroke Pines.

THE CLEVELANDER IS A GIANT, GIANT COCKTEASE

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Your first inclination when walking past the Clevelander and seeing it overflowing with hot, young college girls is “That is THE place. We’re sure to meet some easy Spring Break sluts in there!” And while this may sometimes be the case, more often than not “The Cleve” ends up being more of a cocktease than that stripper you made the mistake of hiring at Madonna’s. Yeah, there will be a good number of hot girls at the Clevelander, but there will also be a large number of douchebags in striped shirts with the same idea you had. If you feel like fending off other guys, sweating profusely, and probably being forced to settle for a 4 or 5 who is feeling neglected, then Cleve it up. Try this place on the first night as your chances of hooking up with a “hot” girl who you couldn’t land back at Iowa State are probably the best here. But assuming you strike out, and your mission here is to get laid, try some other places as your trip continues.

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Much like in real life, the girls who are more apt to hook up don’t hang out in the “it” places. They hang out on the fringe. Why? Because they hate all the hot girls at the “it” places, that’s why. They resent all the attention they get and therefore go to other places where the hot girls are not. These girls are generally much more down to earth and therefore more down to sleep with you. The best place to spot these types of girls? The Playwright on 13th and Washington. As the only local Irish Pub within walking distance of the tourist spots, this bar features nonstop football matches and reasonably priced pitchers. They also have the notable advantage of having the occasional live band and a makeshift dance floor. And as we all know, dance floors are where you lay the groundwork for the rest of the evening.

Fat Tuesday’s is another outstanding spot to find a female companion for the night. The line is sometimes intimidating, but you can use it to your advantage. Hang out outside until a group of attractive girls gets in line (and girls waiting in the line obviously don’t think they are so hot they should be let right in) then move in right behind them. Start up a conversation then accompany them to the bar once you get in for some alcohol infused slushies. Pay for your own, but under no circumstances offer to pay for theirs. If they continue talking to you after you go Dutch on the drinks, you are in. If they leave, they were pimping you for drinks and failed. Revel in your victory then move on. Assuming the ladies do stick around, finish two of these drinks (with floaters) and you should be uninhibited enough to suggest a move to the dance floor with your third round of grain-liquor Otter Pops. A little bumping, a little grinding, a lot of making out and it is not long until both groups are ready to adjourn elsewhere.

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This same mentality can apply at Automatic Slims. While not the biggest bar on the Beach, Slims also tends to attract a crowd that is not wrapped up in the South Beach scene and will be more open to a casual encounter. It boasts a stripper pole in the back, although most girls who will get on it are attention whores as opposed to regular whores, so best to avoid them. A good “in” with a girl NOT on the pole would be to mock the attention whore who is. This, of course, can backfire when her response is “that’s my little sister.” Oh. Kay.

USE YOUR WORDS, NOT YOUR CROTCH

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Before I tell you what TO do when approaching a group of girls, let me give you my #1 DON’T: When approaching a girl, DO NOT come up behind her and start grinding. There has never been a female in the history of the world who has gone out and said “Girl, you know what I want to happen tonight? I want to go out and dance on the floor and have some guy rub his hard-on on my ass.” Never. If you want to approach a girl who is already dancing, which I do not advise, do it form the front. If she’s interested she’ll move in and dance with you.

The most important thing in selecting girls to approach is that there is the same number in their group as there are in yours. Should there be more girls than guys, whoever is not getting attention will immediately stop drinking and insist on either going home or somewhere else within 45 minutes. Sometimes less. Either way, if you don’t have a guy for her, you are wasting your time with her girlfriends. If you have more guys than girls, the ladies you approach may feel intimidated by the larger number in your group and choose to walk away.

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Your first inclination may be to try and find the drunkest girls in the place since they will be the most uninhibited/least conscious. This may seem like a good idea at the time but when you are laying on your back covered in a strange girl’s vomit at 3 AM you may start to rethink that particular course of action. You may also see the error in your ways when the girl you are trying to have sex with passes out on the sidewalk in front of your hotel. Either way, you’re screwed and not in the good way. Should she get back to your place and then pass out, don’t do what you’re thinking about doing as it is illegal, immoral and, worst of all, not very good.

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The best girls to target are the ones who are drinking hard liquor, preferably shots. If you can get to them before they lose consciousness you can keep them from drinking more, ensuring they are uninhibited enough to sleep with you but not so drunk they pass out or throw up. When girls are drinking beer, you must see from what they are drinking it to determine if they are worth approaching. Girls drinking beer out of a bottle are not there to get hammered and do things they can later blame on the alcohol. Girls drinking beer out of a pitcher, on the other hand, ARE there to get drunk and are usually also a little more down to Earth. Pitchers scream “Cheap, mass consumption.” Bottles just say “I need something to hold in my hand so I don’t look like a dork.”

Now when you spot these girls at the bar, you will need something to say to them. The single best line I have ever used goes as follows:
“Are you girls from here?”

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Note: not “Where are you from?” or “Where do you go to school?” but “Are you from here.” Why? Well, for some God unknown reason being from Miami has an aura of “coolness” about it. So if you ask a girl if she is from here, she will immediately think that she looks good enough to be from Miami and will take it as a compliment without you ever having to give one. This effectively starts a conversation that goes something like this:

ME: You from here? (This is a rhetorical question since the only Caucasian females at the Clevelander that actually reside in Dade County are employed by the bar)
SPRING BREAKER: No. We’re from (fill in Big 10, ACC, Atlantic 10 or SEC school here). Are you guys from here?
ME: Yeah, we go to UM law school (a lot better than saying ‘No, I’m a local who lives for March because I am never exposed to College Girls.’)
SB: Wow, that’s cool. What did you major in in undergrad? (Like you care. This is just an attempt to find out which guys they know back at Purdue may have a shot at becoming lawyers)
ME: International Finance/English/Exercise and Sports Science/Whatever- I-Think-sounds-impressive. What’s your major?
SB: (Fill in something highly interesting and ethical that involves helping sick puppies and/or poor illiterate children that makes me feel good about myself but has absolutely no practical application. She will take a menial unpleasant job immediately out of college and then either attempt to marry rich or go to law school. Possibly both. Or teach.)
ME: Wow. That’s cool. Where are you girls staying?
SB: (Fill in South Beach Hotel I’ve Never Heard of Because it is a Total Dump) Yeah, there’s like 8 of us staying in one room. (This can be translated as either A: You’re not coming home with me, and my excuse for not inviting you will be lack of space or B: I hope you live close by, because if so you are about to have your world rocked by drunken, sloppy spring-break sex). So you guys live around here?
ME: Yeah, just down the street about ten blocks or so. (This was actually true the first year I did this. But it still remains my answer because ‘No, we live 40 minutes form here on the Turnpike’ makes a girl think the next person who sees her will be Horatio Crane)
SB: Wow, cool. So where’s good to go around here? There’s so many tourists and, like, skeezy guys.
ME: Well, there’s (Place you saw on The Travel Channel) and (Place that sounds really cool if you’re not form here). We’ve got some passes if you want to come with us on Wednesday. (NOTE: No club in the Beach is good on Wednesday)
SB: Yeah, sounds cool. Here’s my number, call us.
ME: Alright. You wanna go get a drink? (And by no means am I paying for this drink. The nice thing about girls from places that are not LA, New York, Las Vegas or Miami is that they never expect you to.)
SB: Okay

GETTING HER OUT OF THE CLUB AND THE SAND OUT OF THE CRACK OF YOUR ASS

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So how do I get her to leave with me, you ask? Well, it all starts with the conversation above. This is when you will know whether or not this is going to work. Now you can adapt this for your own use, but 99 times out of 100 it will go something like that. After a drink suggest a move to the dance floor. Dancing on Spring Break is essentially having sex with clothes on (sometimes it literally is) so even the whitest of white guys can do it. After sufficient grinding face-to-face it is time to move in for a kiss. After you have been making out for a while it is not uncommon for someone to reach into the other one’s pants. I tend to let the girl make the first move on this one lest I be slapped and forcibly removed by whichever former UM Defensive Lineman happens to be working the door that night. Once her hand is in your pants, feel free to return the favor if you can. Once this has been going on for a while, all you have to do is ask and the night is yours. “You wanna go somewhere else?” you ask. The answer will be either “yes” or “Let me go tell my friends I’m leaving” 9 times out of 10. It really is that simple. You just have to do everything with confidence.

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At this point you have to find somewhere to go. I typically suggest a walk down to the beach where you can continue making out, then topple to the sand, and pull a full on “From Here to Eternity” while Oscar from Hialeah steals your wallet. Most girls have this fantasy (these are the girls who have never done it, once they wake up with sand in places they can’t get it out of, they swear they’ll never do it again) and much prefer it to sex with half her sorority in the room. If you’d like to go back to your place, make sure your buddies are not there already because nothing scares a girl like being half naked in a room full of strange guys. Should these options fail you there is always a lifeguard stand, a back alley or, a public bathroom or a hotel hallway where an NFL running back can step over you as you fumble for a condom.

THE NEXT DAY

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Unlike hooking up in real life, there is hardly ever any expectation that comes with a Spring Break sexual encounter. Most girls come to Spring Break with the same mentality you have, so you don’t have much to worry about. I would suggest never offering up a phone number, email, or even a MySpace page to someone you sleep with on Spring Break.

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The only exception would be if you want yourself a Spring Break Girlfriend. I highly advise against this as the only thing it ensures is that you get laid at the end of every night. Why limit your options during a week where you can literally have a different girl every night? However,  should you choose this option, you may want to get her phone number in the morning and TEXT (do not call, TEXT) her at 3 AM when you have struck out and see if she is down for round 2. This way if something better comes along you can take it, but if not you can at least get some at the end of the night. Call it a Spring break Booty Call.

I hope you gentlemen have found this little guide helpful. If you are interested in what the girls are thinking, you can check out the Girl’s Guide on the other page. Apply these lessons and you should have no problems adding one or more to your lifetime total this march. Good luck and happy hunting!

Continue reading “A Girl’s Guide to Sex on Spring Break”.

Spring Break Visitors Guide:

Related Categories: Miami: Local News, Miami: Travel News,

About the Author: Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411.

See more articles by Matt Meltzer.

See more articles by Matt Meltzer

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6 Comments on

"A Guy’s Guide to Sex on Spring Break"

Margot Hemmingway says:

Very impressive!  Nice Guide!

Posted on 03/26/2007 at 3:26 PM

Adam says:

this stuff actually works??

Posted on 02/05/2008 at 8:23 AM

Rachel Carson says:

it worked on me…great guide, tuche

Posted on 03/16/2008 at 12:01 AM

sina says:

hi. ok

Posted on 04/25/2009 at 6:55 AM

Braun says:

Good stuff, except for the whole “don’t bring condoms” thing.  Are you serious dude?  Any smart guy knows to have a condom (or 2) on him when going out.  Seriously

Posted on 03/12/2010 at 9:30 AM

Matt Meltzer says:

Chacrap, I read your other comment too. I like you. Definitely the type of Spring Breaker guys it’s good to have here.

The condom thing, I find, is always a jinx. Maybe it’s just superstition, or maybe it’s a subconscious thing where you then immediately look like you’re out to get laid, since you brought condoms and all, so you start to give off the “looking’ vibe, and we all know what happens when you do that. In my entire life I think I’ve only been denied 4 times for lack of protection. Of course, quite often girls have condoms too.

Posted on 03/13/2010 at 9:23 AM

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