Transformers Come to Miami to Promote New Ride, Get Towed
Optimus Prime and Bumblebee Have a Pretty Typical Miami Horror Story
Nobody is above the wrath of Beach Towing. Just ask Optimus Prime.
Prime was in town last week to promote Universal Studios Orlando’s new Transformers - The Ride 3D, and unwisely chose to spend the night in a poorly marked residential area near 14th and Lenox.
“I wake up and this guy with full sleeves is hooking me up to a flatbed. I’m like ‘Hey man, I’m Optimus Prime. Can we work something out?’
“He didn’t even listen, I don’t even think he spoke English. Just walked in my cockpit, took $27 out of my glove box, and stuck me in some lot next to a rented Porsche.”
“It cost me $275 to get him out of there,” added Bumblebee, who’d wisely spent the night in the Lincoln Road garage. “And those assholes wouldn’t even let me use a credit card.”
“I showed him where it said I could use one on that ‘Bill of Rights’ thing they have on the wall? He just says ‘There’s an ATM at Publix.’ You have any idea what they charge for using an Earth ATM back on Cybertron?”
“There was NO sign, it’s all a racket to soak tourists” Prime insisted as we lounged in the lobby of the Eden Roc, where the Autobots have taken up residence to avoid a repeat trip to Bay Road.
“But the Eden Roc ain’t bad. When you’re half semi-truck it’s hard to find a bed that fits.”
“If the Autobots try and send us to Miami again, I’m demanding a hotel,” Bumblebee complained as he checked out a couple of Brazilian models walking towards the pool.
“Otherwise I’m going to work for the Decepticons. Starscream told me since Trump bought them he’s making like six figures.”
THE TRANSFORMERS LAND IN ORLANDO
Complaints about the Beach’s draconian parking laws aside, Optimus and Bumblebee were all smiles when talking about their new ride, Transformers – The Ride 3D that opens at Universal Studios in Orlando June 20.
On the ride, visitors partner with the Autobots to protect the AllSpark – a powerful energy source that would allow the Decepticons to destroy the planet. While inside, guests ride and EVAC – an Autobot created exclusively for the attraction – to transport the AllSpark to safety.
“That EVAC weighs 12,000 pounds,” Prime quipped. “I’d like ‘em to tow THAT.”
MEGATRON LOVES HIM SOME BLOOMIN ONION
The ride is currently being promoted with a frightening video on Universal’s YouTube channel, depicting a Decepticon invasion of downtown Orlando.
“Decepticons LOVE chain restaurants,” Bumblebee said. “I mean LOVE them. Once Megatron heard they had a Giordanno’s AND a Bahama Breeze he was like, yo, f?*k world domination. We gotta take over Orlando.”
“Yeah, and you know what else they have in Orlando? Big, giant parking lots where they don’t tow you,” Prime added, then recomposed himself as some straggling Memorial Day visitors walked past. “But Miami’s alright. It’s the only place I’ve been where I see humans with more metal teeth than I have.”
SEEING THE AUTOBOTS IS EASY
If you missed Optimus and Bumblebee during their Miami stay, don’t worry. While Beach Towing has ensured they won’t be back here any time soon, they’re just a short trip up the Turnpike starting June 20. And Miami Beach 411 offers a convenient day trip that lets you experience their ride – and even some of Orlando’s renowned chain restaurants – while still arriving back in South Beach in time for your big night out. And, unlike Optimus Prime, not getting towed.
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