10 Ways To Ruin Your Miami Vacation
WARNING: Following these instructions will cause a serious loss of time and money, and may result in you having a very bad vacation. Miami Beach 411 does not condone the activities and discourages anyone from attempting them.
This summer, Miami Beach 411 is celebrating its 10-year anniversary. We’ve spent the last decade helping travelers have fun and avoid the common mistakes that visitors make in Miami. Since there are some people who still don’t get the message, I thought I’d write a guide for how to waste time and money and completely ruin a vacation.
- Don’t Plan An Itinerary, or Do Any Research. Don’t look for the best restaurants. Don’t research the interesting places to visit. Leave everything up to chance. And whatever you do, don’t look at a map of where you’re going - just wing it.
- Save a Little by Staying In a Hotel, Outside the City. Vacation time is precious. It makes sense to have a long commute, or be forced to rely on public transportation to get around. That is, of course, if you’re trying to have a miserable time. Not to mention, airport hotels are usually the most glamorous places to stay in any city.
- Don’t Call the Hotel in Advance to Confirm Your Reservation. Before you arrive, it would be so easy to call the hotel front desk manager and introduce yourself. You could ask for a non-smoking room, if that’s what you prefer. You could ask for a room in the quiet part of the hotel. You could mention, on your last vacation, things didn’t go well and you want to make sure you get a nice room. But don’t do any of that because this guide is for people who want to ruin their holiday, and there’s nothing that can ruin a vacation quicker than being stuck in a lousy hotel room.
- Abandon Your Group, As Soon As You Arrive. If you’re traveling with a group, make sure to abandon them and do your own thing. If you do happen to spend time together, change the group’s plans, but don’t tell everyone in group. That way, it will cause others to feel unwelcome and question why they spent the money to go on vacation with you in the first place.
- Drink, Drink, Drink. Your mission in Miami should be completely focused on partying and getting wasted. There’s nothing better than feeling hungover on vacation. And wouldn’t you agree, drunk people make for excellent travel companions?
- Leave Your Camera At Home. What’s the point in saving vacation photos? Nobody wants to look back and remember fond memories of the trip (especially, if it was a disaster, like we’re aiming for).
- Don’t wear any sunscreen. Sunscreen is for the weak… Avoid it and get as much sun as quickly as possible.
- Avoid Asking Locals For Help or Suggestions. Every Miami guidebook will tell you, if you want to see the real culture, hang out where the locals are at. This is good advice, if you’re trying to avoid the tourist traps, but that’s not what we’re trying to do. This is why I’m urging you to avoid asking locals for help and suggestions, and stick to the high priced, touristy places.
- Only Do Things You’ve Done Before. Stay in your comfort zone. Don’t do anything that you don’t do at home. Stay indoors, sleep late, check email, and watch a lot of TV.
- Look For Things To Complain About. When you’re on vacation and things don’t go exactly as planned, immediately find somone to blame. Always be on the lookout for things to complain about. Your mind is a powerful thing. If you try hard enough, you may be able to subconsciously make things go awry.
If you enjoyed this post, you might also like reading about my trip to SXSW with Carlos and Matt, where I learned most of these lessons.
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"10 Ways To Ruin Your Miami Vacation"
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