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Sex Conventions: Like Porn, Best if You Don’t Watch Too Long (Adults Only)

September 03, 2007 By Matt Meltzer in  | 1 Comment

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For those who were not aware, this site was a proud sponsor of this year’s Exxxotica convention here in Miami. If you didn’t know, all you had to do was look at the banner for the event, which had our seemingly family-friendly logo sandwiched between two ads for Hustler (see: pics). When I agreed to start writing for this site, I promised my mom it was NOT a porn site, and day by day it is getting more difficult to keep her believing this. Especially when she called me that Saturday to ask where I was going and I replied “Oh, I’m going to cover the porn convention.”

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My mother’s disappointment and shame aside, I ventured over to the Miami Beach convention center, excited to see the largest adult entertainment expo East of Las Vegas. And what better place to have it than Miami, a city which boasts more strip clubs than grocery stores, and more toy stores for adults than Toy’s R Us. So I would not look creepy or weird like so many guys wearing fanny packs, I decided I needed to bring along a couple of friends, Mike and Ed. Mike is a fan of porn, but a much larger fan of the Florida Gators, who were apparently playing some sort of basketball game that night that was of relative importance. Ed knows more about porn than he does about US History, and I’m pretty sure that was his major in undergrad. So a free pass to a sex convention was, next to the time he went to Wrestlemania, the highlight of his life.

MEN IN FANNY PACKS AND MIDDLE AGED ASIAN WOMEN MAKE FOR STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

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Ed and Mike and I walked in and were immediately greeted by a girl in a cage dancing, most likely brought in for the day from one of our hundreds of Adult Entertainment cabarets. Parked in front of her were the dozen or so guys who apparently couldn’t make it past the front door without drooling. All, of course, wearing fanny packs. We were given a schedule of seminars to attend, ranging from “How to Profit From Amateur Porn” (well, duh, it’s called YouTube) to “Tying the Knot: Sensual Bondage.” And as much as I wanted to sit in a lecture room on folding chairs while there was a hall full of silicone behind me, we all decided to pass on the classroom time.

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Ed was nice enough to act as our guide to the stars, as the first he recognized was Terra Patrick. The line to see Terra was about 100 people deep and mostly male, but what I found most entertaining was the group of old Asian women waiting in line to meet her. Who knew Tera Patrick had such a large following among nickel-slot players? But I guess there was something to surprise everyone at Exxxotica.

SANTA CLAUSE, THE EASTER BUNNY AND THE PORN STAR NOT ON DRUGS

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We then ventured through several nondescript sex toy booths and a rather disturbing video for a penis pump (imagine your penis is made of chewing gum and being stretched through a two foot tube) to the main stage. There was a panel of porn stars on stage, answering audience questions about the industry. I have always been a fan of these types of interviews as the girls are always asked dumb questions like “What is your favorite position?” and “Who is your favorite star to work with?” and forced to give obviously contrived answers. I once saw an interview with a former porn star who said every girl’s favorite position is the same: “Arm out, palm up, give me my money.” And we all know that to be the truth. But of course they must perpetuate their nymphomaniac personas and give answers like “I love it form behind” and “I love knowing I am going to have an orgasm every time I come to work.” And for some reason they all love anal. I believe my favorite line of BS came when one audience member asked “how much drugs do you have to do to be able to do a scene?” and all of the girls had this uncomfortable silence before all denying they ever used any. Yeah, and no one in WWE uses steroids, either.

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The next booth was the “Save the clitoris” foundation. Now there is a charitable cause I could get behind, as I am as big a fan of the clitoris as anyone. But I was unaware it was endangered. I had just been blaming the fact that the last few girls I’d been with looked bored to death on my lack of abilities. What a relief to know that the clitoris is slowly disappearing like the California Condor or the Giant Panda! All this bad sex was not my fault, it was some evil force hell bent on destroying the clitoris and I was going to donate and make them stop. Then I found out it was for African Tribeswomen being mutilated at birth. Certainly an horrific practice, but when is the next time I’m going to have a chance to get it on with one of them? So we kept walking.

STARVING FOR PORN

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I was beginning to become well adjusted to the sea of hard-core videos and phallic toys until I wandered across the booth for the good people at Pure Platinum Video. All I heard was someone screaming “Free Stuff For the Fans! Free Stuff For the Fans!” and a mass of people around him. Every time this phrase was yelled, DVD’s were tossed into the air by their charismatic emcee, and people fought for them like they were rice shipments in Somalia. Because God knows, there is absolutely NOWHERE to find free porn these days. At any rate, he invited several people to come to the back “VIP” and meet some of his stars and starlets (including the famous Tommy Gunn, or so Ed tells me). At one point lucky Ed got to be one of them. When he got to the microphone, the emcee asked Ed “So you wanna be a porn star?” to which Ed replied “Nah, my penis is too small, sorry.” I ‘m pretty sure that was the first time the emcee had heard that one, so he just stammered something and told Ed to move on.

I stopped by Miami Beach 411’s booth briefly to talk to Gus, who informed me that the booth across from him was occupied by a woman selling sex toys who was, at the same time, plugging her adult site. This would have been awesome had she not been roughly 58 years old. Much as I do adore the timeless humor and biting sarcasm of The Golden Girls, I have absolutely no desire to see them, or anyone who looks like them, naked. Apparently we had rented out half of our booth to Thee Doll House (last heard from being geographically miscategorized by Vince Neil in the Motley Crue strip club anthem “Girls, Girls, Girls”) and had they actually bothered sending any dancers to hang out in their booth this too would have been awesome. Sadly, there were none and I was forced to move on.

JENNA JAMESON QUICK TO ADAPT TO CUBAN CULTURE

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After registering to win a 35th Anniversary Corvette with the Deep Throat logo on the hood (perfect for first dates) Mike was about ready to call it a day. I mean, you’ve seen one porn star, you’ve seen ‘em all, and how many chances was he going to have to see his Gators win a National Championship? I told him he used that excuse last year and we continued on. Then it was time to wait for Jenna. Yes, perhaps the only mainstream name in porn that is not Ron Jeremy, porn queen-turned-mogul Jenna Jameson was slated to appear at 5:00 and we weren’t going to miss a chance to see her. Even though the likes of Perez Hilton have showed us that Jenna is getting a little too coked-out looking for even a porn star (and, really, if you’ve accomplished that you’re not fooling ANYBODY) we were still excited to see her. As were the other 900 people on line.

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5:15 rolled around and still no Jenna. 5:30, still no Jenna. This was cool, though, as we just assumed she had been told that things in Miami start half an hour after they were supposed to and was just respecting our local customs. But when 6:00 hit, we pretty much figured she was being a spoiled celebrity and hit the road. Our feet hurt, we were thirsty, and the Gator Game stated in 15 minutes. Not to be denied, Ed made one last trip around to try and spot some more adult stars and managed to nab a second copy of “Young Chicks First Dicks” from the Red Cross porn Drop Going on at Pure Platinum.

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As we weaved our way through the sea of strippers from local clubs handing out fliers and body-painted beauties, I couldn’t help but think that this convention, much like sex itself, was a lot of hype about something rather routine. One trip around the floor was enough, and had it not been for the time-consuming star-gazing, it could easily have been done in an hour. Of course, that would have cut the greatest day of Ed’s life tragically short, and he may never have forgiven us.

eXXXotica 2008 is coming back to the Miami Beach Convention Center April 18 thru April 20.

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About the Author: Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411.

See more articles by Matt Meltzer.

See more articles by Matt Meltzer

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1 Comments on

"Sex Conventions: Like Porn, Best if You Don’t Watch Too Long (Adults Only)"

Maria de los Angeles says:

Hey Matt, I missed you there! I was covering the convention for my sex column.  You’re right, one really had to stretch the visit.  Some of the products were fun but that was about it.  Also, the classroom was very noisy.

Afterwards I had dinner on Lincoln Road and I thought the people watching there alone was a lot more fun!

Posted on 09/04/2007 at 10:13 AM

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