From the Spring Break Visitors Guide.

UNDERCUTTING RACHEL RAY: HOW TO EAT ON SOUTH BEACH FOR $10 A DAY

So you showed up in Miami thinking the drinks would be just like they were last year in Cancun.

You budgeted $50 a night for drinking, figuring that could score you a twelve pack of Natty Light plus cover at whatever all-you-could-drink establishment you decided to frequent. Yeah, it was going to be a little more than your typical night out in Blacksburg, but, hey, it’s Spring Break, right? Let’s splurge a little.

Fast forward to morning one as you wake up in South Beach at that dump three miles from the ocean your friend swore was “in the heart of everything.” And your wallet is somehow empty. Yes, it is quite possible you were robbed, but it is more than possible that the concept of the $18 Jaeger Bomb is just a little clearer to you now.

It’s all coming back. That is definitely last time you yell “Shots on me” at Mansion. As you desperately scour your luggage for any more cash, and briefly consider putting the rest of the week’s bar tabs on Mom and Dad’s credit card, a harrowing thought hits you: “Holy shit, I still have to eat.”

Yes, Spring Breakers, while it is possible to drink all of your calories during your week-long sex and booze fest here in Miami, at some point even the most tolerant body is going to require some sort of nourishment not obtained from a frosty mug. And while perusing the various eateries offered in South Beach, you may find it rather disheartening that even Burger King is gouging tourists to the tune of $3.89 a Whopper.

Don’t sweat it, kids. Having lived as a college student in South Beach, I am well versed in finding meals that cost roughly 25% of your average drink.  Forget San Loco, forget Bella Napoli, even forget Pollo Tropical—they’re all good. You, my friend, are going to learn how to eat like all of the living-on-tips, service-industry trash that populate this beach, and you are going to like it.

WHAT THE $2.95 BREAKFAST AND SANTA CLAUS HAVE IN COMMON

On the off chance you actually wake up at an hour that invovles breakfast, or you are the resident “health nut” of the group that has completed a triathlon before your roommates have even downed their first three Tylenol, breakfast can be obtained for almost nothing. While there are a bevy of small restaurants that offer “cheap” breakfast specials for $2.95, you must remember that every price you see in South Beach is roughly one-eighth what you will actually be charged. That figure is typically for a plate and a fork with no actual food on it, so anything you order will be extra. And by extra I mean roughly $11.95. That, of course, is before the City Tax, the State Tax, the Tourist Tax, the Ocean Drive Tax, the English Translation Fee and the Automatic Gratuity. Which will undoubtedly be distorted by your server with an imprint of your credit card. Your best bet for breakfast?

A wide array of SoBe hotels offer free continental breakfasts, and few if any bother checking to see if you are a guest. Just walk in looking like you know what you are doing, grab some muffins and OJ, sit on the patio, and leave when you are done. The Essex House on 10th and Collins offers a particularly nice atmosphere and lax   security, not to mention some killer banana-nut muffins. The trick is getting to these buffets before 10 AM when they shut down. Call it motivation for an early start.

LUNCH, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, WHAT I’LL USE TO ABSORB THE ALCOHOL

This is the most important meal of the day. Why? Because assuming you have woken up at the crack of 2:30, it will most likely be the only food you consume before you delve into that cornucopia of deliciousness known as cheap domestic beer. And what better food to consume for it than Pizza? While locals will swear by Pizza Rustica, be advised: You will spend twice as much time excreting Pizza Rustica as you will eating it. And $3 a slice for something that is going to vaguely remind your stomach of the water you drank last year in Cabo may not be the best investment. Groovy’s Pizza on 11th and Washington offers 2 Slices and a soda for $4.95 most days. Soprano’s Pizza on 7th and Washington offers the same deal for 6 bucks, but the slices are about twice the size. If Pizza is not your thing, you can try the Pita Place (that is its actual name) next to Groovy’s.

  Not to be confused with the Pita Pit on 13th.  The Pit, with which some of you may be familiar, is a chain located in most college towns that is clean, friendly, and will set you back around 8 bucks per pita. The Pita Place is small, hot, questionably sanitary and typically features a couple of colorful characters at the tables outside. You may refer to them in your town as “homeless.” But the food is actually slightly better as the best falafel I’ve had in a city not called Tel Aviv will only cost you about $4.50

YOU CALL IT NAUSEA, I CALL IT A CULTURAL EXPERIENCE

My first suggestion for dinner would be to eat whichever of the lunch options you did not have before. But even the most iron-stomached of college students can not survive on pizza alone.

So, in order for you to get what little of a Miami Cultural experience you can on South Beach (no, Mango’s does not count) might I suggest a little trip to David’s Cuban Café. Now, by no means should you ever actually go inside David’s’ or you will find yourself blowing your beer money on something best described as Arroz Con Culo, cursing that moron internet writer who suggested you go there.

No, no Spring Breaker, simply walk up to the window outside and ask for one of the following items (maybe two if you’re hungry): Empanada, Croqueta, Papa Rellenas or Media Noche. The last one is a sandwich, the rest are indistinguishable fried foods that cost less than $2. Don’t ask me what they are, I’ve found when it comes to Cuban Food ignorance is bliss. While small, the amount of lard painstakingly packed into each one of these items will leave you not really wanting to eat much of anything until about 5 in the morning.

For an even greater ‘cultural experience’, you can try one of the many lovely Laitn Markets on South Beach, La Playa on 2nd and Collins being my favorite.  A popular stop among the “Condos I can Never Afford” set, these markets offer many of the same grease-infused treats that David’s does at a much lower price. La Esperanza on 7th and Washington is another good spot, but you can find several as you stroll the streets trying to sweat off your hangover. If you are looking to buy groceries, Wild Oats and Publix are a good choice, but the cost of the cab ride/physical pain involved in walking there may offset any advantages it may have. Try Lee Ann Drugs on 10th and Washington for cheap groceries. Any store called “Epicure” or “Compass” should be avoided like a fat girl you hooked up with the night before.

IF YOU’RE ONLY EATING ONE MEAL…

Another option, if you are of the one-meal-a-day mindset, is Chicken Kitchen on 14th and Washington.  Order a large version of any one of their chops and you are probably set for the day. It will run you anywhere from $8-10 but if you eat around 6 you should be okay. Again, if you’re waking up at noon, not such a big deal.

BEACH CHICKEN AND THE ONLY THING MORE OVERPRICED THAN A HOOKER

And now 2 South Beach cheap dining DON’TS:

1. DON’T eat Beach Chicken. Beach Chicken is any alleged poultry product sitting in the counter of a deli, convenience store, auto mechanic or dry cleaner.

  As a matter of fact, the only businesses in South Beach that do NOT sell Beach Chicken are the actual restaurants. You may be tempted by the prospect of an entire chicken breast for $1.49, but do not, under ANY circumstances, eat it. A fraternity at University of Miami had some pledges do it one year and was summarily thrown off campus the following semester. Apparently the administration looked down on giving incoming freshmen cholera.
2. Also, DON’T ever drink anything but water with your meal.

Fountain sodas on the Beach are the only thing more overpriced than the hookers. They range anywhere from $2 to $5 and you would be better off asking for someone’s extra kidney than a free refill. Surprisingly, Miami has some of the best tap water of any major city, and even if it didn’t any bacteria will more than likely be killed by that shot of 151 you’re going to do before you go out.

So don’t stress, Spring breakers, you can actually eat in South Beach without taking out a second set of Student Loans.

All it takes is a little bit of guile, a strong stomach and a light wallet. And when you get back, you can tell all your friends what a great time you had in Miami, even after you blew more in the first night on alcohol than you did all of freshmen year. Enjoy your stay, Kids, and remember me when you’re throwing up more food than you are stomach acid.

Spring Break Visitors Guide:

• Girls Gone Wild in Miami? Not Exactly What You Might Think
• 7 Travel Tips to Avoid Getting Scammed in Miami
• Spring Break Sex 101 - An Introduction to Getting Laid in Miami
• A Girl’s Guide to Sex on Spring Break
• A Guy’s Guide to Sex on Spring Break

Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411. Matt’s column appears Tuesdays. See more articles by Matt Meltzer >