From the Miami Relocation Guide.

While every city loves to brag about its insane traffic and bad drivers, no city has quite the unique combination of residents that we do here in South Florida to make for unbearable motor transportation.  As I have mentioned previously in this relocation guide, there may be one or two people in Miami who learned to drive in another country.  This thrown in with transplants form such capitals of polite driving as New York, Boston and Philadelphia, and a complete lack of strategic planning on the part of the county make for one hell of a driving experience. And did I mention that it’s hot?

Stop signs are summarily ignored on a regular basis. People double park in the middle of a busy thoroughfare. Turn signals on most cars are used less often than the airbags. That guy in the far right hand lane? Don’t be surprised when he makes a left turn across four lanes right in front of you. And don’t even get me started on people swerving over medians to get to freeway exits. While I will go into more detail about some of the more common violations that are considered commonplace, most minor traffic laws here are more or less suggestions. Unless you live in Pinecrest.

THE MIAMI LEFT

In most normal cities, it is generally understood that when a light turns red, it means “stop.” In Miami, however, it means “Three More Cars.” Sometimes four, depending on traffic. This, however, only applies to cars turning left. So say you are creeping out into the intersection to try and make a left, no less than two cars will inch up directly behind you waiting for the light to change so they go thorugh too. When you approach any intersection, you should pull out as far as possible so as to allow as many cars as can fit to tailgate behind you through the red. This is what passes as common courtesy in Miami.

This law does NOT, however, apply to motorists attempting to go straight through an intersection. Yes, we are much more lenient here about barely making yellows than they are in, oh, say, Fairfax County, Virginia, but those cars turning left on the red cannot make it through if cars are still going straight.  If you do not follow this unwritten law of Miami driving you will be honked at, cursed in Spanish, and generally disliked by everyone else who lives here. Not that that wouldn’t have happened anyway.

USE YOUR FREAKING HORN!

It is not at all an uncommon sight down here to see someone driving down an empty street and honking their horn for no reason. One might think they were doing it to show off, but I doubt anyone on earth drives down the street honking so as to say “Hey, look at me! I’m in a 9 year-old Astrovan with no A/C and worn out paint job!” Occasionally it is to attract the attention of a lady or group of ladies walking down the street, as apparently the car horn is the most naturally arousing sound to the human female. You may often also see people in parades of cars, waving flags and honking horns loudly for no apparent reason. On a Tuesday. These people are most likely celebrating a win in a major international soccer tournament or the overthrowing of a government. Occasionally both.

Horn use in Miami is acceptable if the person in front of you has sat at a green light for over a quarter of a second, if someone has failed to go three cars through a red, if someone is moving too slow in front of you, if someone is moving too fast in front of you, if someone cuts you off in traffic, if you see a friend in the next car, if your hand slips off the wheel, if you feel like listening to the sound of your own car horn, if “Tainted Love’ comes on the radio and you want to honk along, or pretty much whenever you damn well feel like it. You paid for the horn, you may as well use it. Now if only people would apply that logic to turn signals.

I’M NOT SAYING GO OUT AND DO IT…

Between murder, cocaine trafficking, voter fraud, street crime and immigration, the local police have a lot to worry about. And, for better or for worse, drunk driving is not one of them. It is not uncommon to stumble out of a pizza place frequented by cops at 3 a.m., get in your car, and drive off right in front of them with little more than a passing glace. The only people I know who’ve gotten DUIs in Miami got into accidents, and even the most responsible, law-abiding people here drink and drive regularly. It is part of the culture if nothing else. You may take this fact one of two ways:

• You may look at it as license to not take taxis everywhere you go when you are planning a big night out. Nor do you need to appoint a designated driver.
• You may look at it as cautionary: If you are out driving late at night, chances are a ton of drunks are on the road with you. So be careful. Or don’t be careful. It’s all in the interpretation.

WHEN YOUR PREMIUMS ARE MORE THAN YOUR PAYMENT

If you are relocating here, you have no doubt looked into insuring your car in South Florida. Upon doing this, I’m sure your reaction was somewhere between “Did my computer mess up and misplace that decimal point?” and “Well, so much for retirement.” Yes, folks, sadly Miami-Dade County has some of the highest insurance premiums in the nation. Aside from insurance companies’ general love of raping the ever-loving soul from people who live down here, the companies actually have some fairly valid reasons for these exorbitant premiums. First, as stated above, drivers here pretty much do whatever they want and so accidents happen a lot. I see an average of four a day just driving around, and I don’t even go out during rush hour. Second, nobody here bothers to buy it, so those who do have to make up the cost.

Aside from the natural inclination a South Floridian has to do absolutely nothing on the up and up, many people here come from countries where insurance is a luxury item up there with running water and electricity. So most newcomers don’t bother buying the stuff unless they have to, such as when buying a car. But your typical Miamian will buy a policy to get the car off the lot, make one payment, and then let it lapse. Does Florida have laws requiring insurance? Of course we do. We also have laws against marijuana use, underage drinking and not wearing a seat belt. And the penalty if you are caught without insurance? About $85. If you do the math, you could get a ticket a month for an entire year and as long as you weren’t in an accident you’d still come out about $1000 ahead. If you are a good, law-abiding citizen and like things like “insurance,” I highly recommend you get uninsured motorist coverage. Because when you get hit by an ’85 Camry with three tones of paint, even if the driver miraculously sticks around after he hits you, odds are he’s not gonna have the means to fix the front end of your Range Rover.

SPEED BUMPS WITH A PULSE

As many new transplants seem to come from New York or California, I must inform you all of a little cultural difference here in Florida. You know how wherever it is you live pedestrians have the right-of-way? Well, legally that may be the case down here but in reality pedestrians are second-class road citizens and only a smidge above that lowest peon of South Florida traffic, the bicyclist. Do not ever expect a motorist to acknowledge your presence, much less stop for you when you are crossing the street, lest you end up on the wrong end of a set of Uniroyals.

Apparently in other cities busy streets have these concrete strips on the side that are devised for the movement of pedestrian traffic. Because most sprawl here was developed as quickly as they could put up a wooden-framed house, sidewalks were not put in in many areas. This lends itself to pedestrians literally walking on the shoulder of a major arterial, just waiting to get mowed down by someone who has been legally blind since the Carter administration.

Thanks to our old, foreign and less-than insured drivers, Miami may be a tough city to drive in, but it will prepare you to drive anywhere in the world. If you can master the antics of the Miami Left, the utter lack of turn signals, and the even more utter lack of respect for traffic laws, you will be well-prepared for anything that may come your way on the road. Just make sure you know the local customs and courtesies, and soon you too will be enraged when the guy in front of you has the unmitigated gall to stop at a red light. And assume, correctly, that he must be a tourist.

Stay tuned next for a map to avoid Miami traffic jams.

Miami Relocation Guide:

• Miami, FL: Where to Move and How to Find a Place
• Miami Living is Best For the Young and Single
• Home Hunting Advice for Families Relocating to Miami
• Finding the Best Miami Realtor for You
• Searching For Jobs in Miami-Dade FL
• How to Survive in the Spanish Workplace
• Avoiding Miami Traffic (Maps)
• Making Friends in Miami
• The City of Miami, FL Compared to Other Cities in the U.S.

If you like these articles, why not link to the Relocation Guide, or bookmark it as one of your favorites?

Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411. Matt’s column appears Tuesdays. See more articles by Matt Meltzer >