July 06, 2007 at 06:46am by Matt Meltzer
There are a good many things associated with Miami. Beautiful women, sandy beaches, bad drivers. But one of our more notorious reputations surrounds a much more illicit industry that the Convention and Visitors Bureau never promotes. No, I’m not talking about the relative ease of obtaining a firearm and a concealed weapons permit. Nor am I referencing the wholesale ignorance of drinking and driving, and the relaxation of the drinking age. No, folks, I am talking about good old fashioned drugs.
One of the big perks of being the Capital of Latin America is that most commerce coming from that particular region at some point goes through Miami. This can apply to cars, boats, airplanes, or beef, and cocaine. During the 1980’s, Miami was more or less considered the coke capital of America, and while law enforcement crackdowns have forced importers into other areas, you can still get good stuff cheaper here than you can in most other major cities. Want to know why Crystal Meth never really caught on in South Florida? Would you pay for some cheap chemical concoction made up in someone’s bathtub when you can get some powder fresh off the plane from Colombia for about the same price? It’s simple economics. Even the trailer trash in Miami can afford good blow.
Great, you say. Miami is full of high-quality cheap drugs and clubs open until noon. But I am new in town, or, worse, here on vacation. I don’t have any friends with good hook ups and I was too scared of airport security to bring some from home. How the hell am I supposed to find this stuff? That, friends, is a difficult issue. While drugs are not overly difficult to come by in Miami, its not so simple as walking up to the information desk at the airport and saying “Yes, I’d like to know where I can pick up a taxi to South Beach and an 8-ball,” but the truth is that it isn’t much harder.
JUST BECAUSE YOUR WAITER’S EYES ARE BLOODSHOT DOESN’T MEAN HE’LL SELL TO YOU
I don’t know if any of you have ever worked in a bar, nightclub or restaurant, but if you have you know that doing key bumps in the breakrooom or smoking a bowl in the beer cooler are perfectly acceptable ways of spending your down time. Waiters, bartenders, busboys, line cooks, or pretty much anyone who serves you food or alcohol knows someone who sells. As Miami native Rick Ross once so eloquently put it: “You never know. That dishwasher may be a holder.”
The problem, of course, is that they may not exactly want to tell you since it could cost them their job. Then where would they get their drug money? So while it may seem a logical step to ask someone who uses drugs where to find drugs, my advice is NOT to ask your waiter. While they may very well have some in their check presenter that they are saving for just before the dinner rush, chances are they don’t want to share it with you. Bartenders can be a better bet, but again, this may prove costly to their career should they try and assist you. While that personal interaction may make a bartender easier to approach, what is left of their professionalism may prevent him or her from finding you some “good shit.”
WHEN THEY SAY “FULL SERVICE,” THEY REALLY MEAN IT
The best service-industry-type person to ask for drugs is, believe it or not, a hotel concierge. This is not so much the case if you are staying at the Airport Doubletree or the Hampton Inn in Doral. The concierges there are used to business travelers and the closest thing to an illegal drug they’ll find you is some Sudafed that doesn’t require a background check. No, the concierges you want to hit up are the guys by the front desk at the fancy, celebrity-infested beachfront places on the northern part of Collins Ave. I will not mention them by name, but read enough US Weekly and you can figure out what they are. These guys (and girls) are routinely approached by celebrities, celebrity hangers-on, and generic rich people you’ve never heard of trying to find all sorts of stuff. So your request for an 8-ball upon check in won’t be much out of the ordinary.
Not a guest at said exclusive hotel? No problem. Just walk in the front door, follow some guests up the elevator, then wait on their floor for about 2 minutes. Take the elevator back down, go up to the concierge and say “Hey, man, I’m staying up in room (fill in room # you saw while upstairs) and I was wondering….” Then give him your cell # and tell him you’re going out but to call you as soon as he finds anything. If you make it worth his while, trust me, you will not be disappointed. A quick fifty upon check-in will ensure these guys find you whatever you want, although it is almost a guarantee they will mark it up again for themselves. A tip at the end is also expected. The quality is generally pretty good, as they know who has the better stuff, but again you will get what you pay for.
While going through your concierge is a pretty safe bet, it may defeat the purpose of finding cheap drugs in Miami. But if there is one thing I know about people looking for drugs, it’s that at some point in the night cost really is not an issue.
RIGHT AT THE AIRPORT, ALWAYS ON THE MONEY
If bribing a concierge is a little pricey for you, or you just don’t want to risk discussing such matters out in the open, there is always the good old Taxi driver. Not only do they hail from the same class of society that produces some of Miami’s finer narcotics peddlers, they also can drive you right up to their house. Provided you pay the full fare. The downside, of course, to asking your cab driver for drugs is that he may try and swindle or overcharge you since he knows you will never see him again. The only way to avoid this is through tough negotiations, which you may not have time for while the meter is running. But if you are on your ride from the airport to South Beach and want to give it a shot, there is no downside. They are not undercover cops, they are not going to report you. They are, at the very worst, going to tell you they don’t know and move on.
THAT GUY WHO KEEPS GOING TO THE BATHROOM WITH OTHER GUYS ISN’T GAY. NECESSARILY
There are a good number of dive bars in South Beach where it is easier to buy drugs than it is to buy imported beer. Again, I will not name any of them directly in here, but chances are if you are in South Beach, and you walk by a place and think “this looks like the kind of place I could score,” it probably is. Some looks in South Beach can be deceiving, but not this one.
The tricky part in finding drugs in a dive bar is knowing who to buy off. The bartenders probably won’t tell you (as mentioned above) and asking the wrong patrons can make you look a little shady. And God forbid anyone mistake you for “shady” when you are in a dive bar in Miami looking to buy drugs. There are various methods you may use to ascertain who would be the finest purveyor of illicit substances in said establishment. Look for a guy who several different people are approaching for no apparent reason. Now, there is a chance he is just a popular regular, but most popular regulars in places like this are popular for a reason: They sell drugs. If this prom-king of dive bars leaves for a short period with several different people, he is most likely not pulling them to the side to discuss the Dolphins’ quarterback situation. Now it’s up to you to make the introduction. Some may argue that if you lack the balls to properly approach a dive bar drug dealer, you probably don’t deserve to be doing the stuff anyway. But I am not here to make character judgments.
If you are incorrect in your assumption of someone’s not-so-legal vocation, they will more than likely be able to steer you in the right direction. As in, “Nah, I ain’t holdin’ but that bald guy with the ‘South Beach’ T-Shirt and the fanny pack is.” Same if he doesn’t have the drug you are looking for. If he doesn’t have it, chances are he knows someone who does. Will he charge a referral fee in the form of a steep markup? Probably.
IN THE CLUB
Clubs are full of drugs. Choc full. The only problem is the people who have drugs typically brought them to use and not to sell to you. So going up to that guy with the glowsitcks and the dark glasses on who has been chugging water and dancing by himself all night and asking him for some X will most likely trigger the only part of his brain that is still able to lie. While patrons do not make for the best source of drugs in a club, it is still possible to find some.
Bathrooms are not as good an idea as they might be in a dive bar. South Beach clubs tend to have those pesky bathroom attendants who will watch your every move unless you tip him a little too much. However, unlike in normal bars, bartenders, servers and barbacks are more apt to be holding in high-end clubs. Why is this? Well, aside from the semi-occasional police raid, these clubs are much easier places to sell then a bar or restaurant. The combination of huge crowds, loud music, flashing lights and a managerial staff that is often a few beverages into the night provides a much better cover for the vending of controlled substances.
Even if your bartender or VIP Bottle server is not selling, a big enough tip will ensure that they know someone who is. Typically dealers give big tips to bartenders for a glass of Sprite in exchange for the right to hang out at their bar all night and sell to patrons. And it is not above many bartenders to throw them a referral once in a while.
GOING TO SEE CRACKY
I’m sure many of you have read travel advisories about Miami, advisories that tell you to stick to tourist areas and well-lit parts of town. And the good people issuing these advisories do indeed have your best interests in mind. Provided those interests do not include finding drugs.
If there is one place in Miami you are 100% guaranteed to get drugs, it is in our less-than-desirable neighborhoods. Do I recommend driving aimlessly in your rented Ford Focus around some of the worst areas in America trying to find blow that can only be best described as “Sonoco Special?” No, I certainly do not. That would be irresponsible journalism. However, if you happen to find yourself on US-1 and have a car and a hankering for something you’re not supposed to be doing, you might be well served to head east on Grand Avenue towards Coconut Grove.
This stretch of road between US-1 and CoCo Walk will afford you a plethora of local residents darting across the road on bicycles trying to incur a personal injury lawsuit. Should you be able to avoid them, you can pull onto one of many side streets (only ones running perpendicular to Grand so that you can drive back to the main street should need be) and ask one of them if they can find you anything. They will all try and swindle you and tell you they have nothing for under $50. Just stick to your guns (not literally) of only having whatever you intended to spend, and trust me, they will find you something.
Indicate that you are only looking for “white” and also make sure to say you want “soft.” Soft means powder. Otherwise you’re going to get crack and unless you want to be returning to this neighborhood every night for the rest of your life, I suggest you avoid getting the “hard.” If they ask where you are from, the only acceptable answer is “I was born and raised in this bitch.” Even if you are here on vacation from Denmark. Most crackheads couldn’t tell you from Trick Daddy in their state anyway. Don’t be afraid to hand them your money first, but watch where they go and wait for them to come back. Crackehads often depend on your repeat business. They also depend on the bump you give them as a tip. Just make sure to be in and out as fast as possible and never leave your car.
You might also want to keep watch for police, although in that neighborhood it is the least of your concerns. While the “West Grove” is certainly not an area you would want to spend more than five minutes in, it is the best bad neighborhood in which to buy drugs. Why? Well, it is in very close proximity to well lit, heavily policed areas, so the sellers are less likely to abduct or kill you. In the same vain, it offers a quick escape should anything go wrong, and you are not caught in a maze of crack houses and projects from which you cannot escape. The quality of your drugs will be poor and the risk of getting them is high, but should all the above-mentioned options fail you, going to see cracky is an excellent last resort.
No matter what your drug buying needs are, there is a way to fulfill them in Miami. Even if you are staying in a dull section of town, there are always places and people you can see that will help you find what you are looking for. Be it an upscale concierge or a crack addict on the street corner, folks in this town are always happy to make some money off a visitor looking to get intoxicated. The permissive culture combined with the geographical proximity to some of the best drug-producing countries in the world make Miami a great vacation spot for the narcotically-inclined. Just make sure you know what you’re doing. Otherwise you may end up spending a lot more time here than you had initially planned.
 | Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411. Matt’s column appears Tuesdays. See more articles by Matt Meltzer > |
