ABOVE: Strip Clubs expense report - Tootsie’s Cabaret; Gold Rush; Pink Pony; Thee Doll House; Solid Gold; Club Madonna; Scarlett’s; Platinum Plus; Booby Trap; Centerfolds; Stir Crazy; Bare Necessity; BT’s. (map)

For a city its size, Miami really has a lot of Strip Clubs. I mean a lot. I mean so many that you will often be going to visit your boss in some upscale section of town and directions will include “Turn right at the purple neon sign.” In some cities this may be an indicator of a less-than-desirable neighborhood. But in Miami we have always been on the cutting edge of dropping pretenses of morality, so a friendly neighborhood nudie bar is nothing to get squeamish about. In a town so full of adult entertainment options, though, it is often difficult to sort out the upscale from the seedy, the Gentlemen’s Clubs from the fronts for prostitution.

While it is hard to walk home from the corner store in Dade County without having the temptation to tuck your change into a g-string, there are a dozen or so clubs that tend to stick out in most people’s minds as the ones to go to. But there is little if any information out there to help you, the discriminating Strip Club connoisseur, know exactly which place is going to give you the most bang for your buck. So to speak. Do you like curvy Latinas? Or skinny Platinum Blondes? Or beautiful black women? Are you looking for an upscale atmosphere? Or somewhere you can go and drink cheap beer while looking at cheap women? Do you like friction dances? Or are you looking for a little more for your strip club dollar? Well, at great sacrifice and personal hardship, we have taken the liberty of visiting some of the better-known and popular clubs around town to help you, the buck-tucker, know which club will best fulfill your nudie bar needs. There are more clubs in South Florida than the ones mentioned here, but this sampling should give you an idea of what Greater Miami has to offer when it comes to professional naked women. Continue reading to find which club is best for you.

20 OF MIAMI’S BEST AND WORST STRIP CLUBS

1. Tootsie’s Cabaret
150 NW 183rd St., Miami Gardens 305-651-5822
http://www.tootsiescabaret.com.

There was a time not too long ago when Tootsie’s was a little spot on the corner of 441 and Miami Gardens Drive that you could stop by on the way home from a Dolphins game. Oh, but times have changed. From the time you drive up to the vastly expanded and newly remodeled Tootsie’s, you know this is going to be a different kind of Strip Club experience. While they do offer valet parking, the self parking lot is so expansive the club actually offers a tram to get you to the front door. Kind of like at Disneyland where you park in “Goofy” and they pick you up at a designated stop. Except instead of friendly oversized animal puppets when you get inside, the have friendly, oversized D-Cups to greet you. And you can’t take pictures.

Upon walking inside you will notice the vast array of flat screen and projection TV’s, so that if naked women cavorting around is not your thing you can distract yourself with fully clothed men playing sports. There is one main stage in the middle which features anywhere from one to three dancers, one of them circulating the tip rail for a song or two, completely naked, allowing everyone at the rail to tuck a buck in their favorite spot. In addition there are several themed areas of the expansive club, including an MGM Grand area, a Moulin Rouge area, and something that looks like a hollowed out rail car that doubles as a VIP level (it is elevated about 3 feet form the rest of the club to give it an air of “exclusivity”). Each of these themed sections offers a VIP area, and the Moulin Rouge is home to what looks from the outside to be a Parisian boutique hotel. Of course, in Miami, anything that combines France and a bed can only be one thing: A champagne room.

These rooms start at $275 for a half an hour which includes a bottle of house Champagne (my guess is it that it, much like the Moulin Rouge façade, is not actually French) and the company of one of the hundreds of ladies working that night. But, of course, the girl’s time is also extra. The rooms are upstairs and offer full-length windows out onto the club with closable shades. Kinda like a real hotel.

Should you go on a weekend, there will be well over 100 girls working, and they are a solid mix of American, Latina, Black and even a few Asians sprinkled in. And for the most part they are top notch, on par with what you’d find at any club in Las Vegas. If you have a certain girl you want to see straddling the pole, there is a monitor in one corner of the club that features every girl and her spot in the dance rotation so you can see who is up next and who just got off stage. So if one caught your eye as she tossed her G-String in your face, you can ask a waitress to find her. The waitresses can also bring you anything from their full-liquor bar. There are separate waitresses for the food from LaColonne, the restaurant located inside the club. The food is better than most bar food you’ll get in places that do not feature fully naked women, and if you go before 8 there is no cover. 

Tootsie’s is essentially a Strip Super-Club along the lines of giant ones found in Vegas or New York. The selection on women is spectacular and the food is not bad. They also feature “In the Biz” specials for those who are waiters, bartenders, strippers and the like, consisting of a waived cover and $3 drinks Sunday through Thursday. Now if only they could get you a break on those bottles of “champagne.”

2. Gold Rush
29 NE 11th St, Miami 305-358-9848

Gold Rush is perhaps the most visible Strip Club in Miami. Located right off I-395 on the way to South Beach, it is highlighted by its glowing purple neon top and searchlights outside on weekends. It is also located across the street from such late night hotspots as Club Space and Nocturnal, and as such becomes a hang-out of sorts for those who need a break from clubland. And while Gold Rush certainly gives off an upscale vibe from the outside, the inside is not what one would expect.

The interior, with its plush chairs, brass and mirrors, indicates that those who designed it had a more upscale clientele in mind. Unfortunately, probably because of the quality of dancer they offer, Gold Rush has not exactly attracted the high-end crowd. Granted, hip-hop artists, athletes and some celebrities do stop by on occasion, but this is more than likely thanks to Gold Rush’s visibility and proximity to other clubs than the actual quality of the venue. Though the club features two stages, champagne and VIP areas, the dancers are far from the most attractive in the city. Rather than the platinum blonde and silicone variety offered some places, here you get more of the excessive tattoo and stretch mark set. And several who speak no English.

Drinks are priced about on par with other strip clubs, beers in the $6 range and liquor drinks a few dollars more, and the food is, once again, better than most bar food you will get. I would not order the steak, as the quality of meat is not going to be what you’d get at a real restaurant, but for sandwiches and appetizers this is not a bad option for late-night dining.

The cover charge depends on when you go and can be as little a $5 to as much as $15 during special events. If you like your girls a little trashier, this may be a good spot for you. It is not difficult to find a girl in Gold Rush who will do pretty much whatever you want, but it may cost you in the neighborhood of $500. Regular lap dances are $25, but again you can do a lot during the dance that some of the more “upscale” clubs would frown upon. So for a nice décor with good food, but second-and-third tier dancers who are little more, shall we say, open minded, Gold Rush is an excellent choice.

3. Scarlett’s
2920 SW 30th Ave., Hallandale 954-455-8318
http://www.scarlettscabaret.com

Though not technically in Miami, Scarlett’s is still a favorite spot for anyone living in South Florida. Male or female. For some reason there seem to be an exorbitant amount of women at this club who are not working there. Some are there with guys, some appear to be on dates, and some are just in groups by themselves. And much like it is a good idea to go to the Chinese restaurant with the most Chinese people, so is it the best idea to go to the strip club with the most women.

Aside from having very difficult and hard to maneuver parking (its location in an industrial strip mall next to I-95 doesn’t help) Scarlett’s is a top-notch facility. At any given time there will be 5 girls dancing on 4 different stages while the rest parade around the 12,000 square foot club among the equally as gorgeous and scantily clad waitresses. The mix of dancers is perfect for South Florida, with a healthy amount of every type of girl you would pay to grind on you for $600 an hour.

What makes this club so appealing to women is not the high—tech lighting or the blasting trance music, making it feel more like Club Space than Crazy Horse. Nor is it the lavish “buffet” advertised in the back (a pretty decent chicken marsala or prime rib were the choices this night. $8 including 2 sides and a roll. The tantalizing brownies are extra). No, it is more than likely their multitude of VIP areas. The first you encounter is the “Sky Box,” raised above the main floor offering a bird’s-eye view of all the action. The second is more reminiscent of a 19th century English library than a lap dance couch, featuring armoires, tapestries, and super-plush chairs. In addition they feature 5 themed VIP rooms with flat screen TV’s and various other amenities. These refined touches make it no wonder Scarlett’s was voted Best Strip Club for Couples by Club Systems International.

Lap dances, even the entry-level $25 variety, are conducted in a maze of semi-private rooms complete with blinds and TV’s. So if you feel like paying a girl $25 a song to sit there and watch reruns of “Gunsmoke” with you, well Scarlett’s is the place to do it. Again, though, dancers giving standard lap dances have to leave on their bottoms, which may just be another inducement to get you into one of the VIP areas.

4. Cheetah
100 Ansin Blvd., Hallandale Beach 954-455-2131
http://www.cheetahhallandale.com

Cheetah, according to its ad in the New Times, was rated the best strip club in South Florida by that paper in 2007. And not that Cheetah is a bad spot, but I have to wonder how it won. Cheetah was probably one of the nicest places in town before the massive renovations to Scarlett’s and Tootsie’s, but would now place a distant third behind those two.

Cheetah is in a surprisingly small space off Hallandale Beach Blvd. in Hallandale that features a lot of girls in a medium-sized space. Once inside, you are greeted by a large main bar with a dancer behind it, and a buffet that comes out every few hours. The buffet is free, but the food is not anything anyone in their right mind would touch. Of course, you could say that about a lot of the dancers as well.

There is also a main stage that features two girls dancing at once (on opposite sides, not together) a “VIP” stage across from it, and a stage behind the bar next to the champagne rooms for a total of five strippers dancing at one time. The girls are considerably better looking than most clubs in Miami, with a solid mix of Latin and white girls, none of whom are unattractive. This is the club where you’ll see the stereotypical platinum bleached-blonde with implants, but you’ll also see the Russians and Latinas that populate Miami clubs too.  Because the club still does a good business, the girls don’t hassle you to tip after their stage shows (a practice that is ubiquitous and annoying in Miami clubs) and unless you luck out you’ll probably have to solicit a girl for a lap dance since they are almost all constantly busy.

There is a hallway of semi-private booths for lap dances that don’t lend themselves to much past getting to second base. However, the row of seven semi-private champagne rooms (all that separates them from the hallway are some swinging half-doors) is prefaced by a sign reading “This club does not condone prostitution in any way shape or form. It is a violation of Florida law.” Then one under it stating “This Club does not condone the use of illegal drugs.” Loosely translated, this means “Back here you can do coke off a stripper’s ass before you pay to have sex with her.” Because, much like the signs in regular clubs that say “Don’t use drugs in our bathrooms,” these signs are essentially tacitly admitting that this stuff is commonplace. They’re just covering they’re asses. Figuratively.
The club also features several flat screen TV’s and a private “Safari Room,” for larger private parties.

Cheetah has a good selection of girls and a younger, frat-boy sort of crowd, but given that Tootsie’s and Scarlett’s are so close by, it hardly seems worth going here unless you want a variety of spots. Despite the club’s tantalizing, whispering radio ads, and the clever faux-cheetah skin that lines all of the furniture, the club seems a bit old and in need of something that can help it keep pace with its renovated neighbors. While nicer than most clubs in Miami, Cheetah has a ways to go to be on par with its cohorts north of the County Line.

5. Club Lexx
12001 NW 27th Ave., Miami 305- 685-7408
http://www.clublexxmia.com

Club Lexx, if nothing else, does a fantastic job of marketing. The club’s ads, in newspapers, on TV and on the radio, make it sound like a nice, newer strip club with gorgeous ladies and high-tech lights and sound. And since “Lexx” is short for what used to be “Rolexx,” you figure the place must be pretty nice. Never mind that it is just south of Opa Locka, one of the worst parts of Miami. Perhaps it is a bastion of nice in a sea of nasty.

As you drive up, you think this may be the case. The outside is done up in new stucco with bright neon and a clean marquee. But then you encounter the parking lot, which is vaguely reminiscent of the Traz Powell Stadium lot after a Northwestern-Carol City High School football game. Lots of rims, lots of Black and Milds, and no room to drive. You can park across the street and the security guard actually does watch your car, but walking up you will see vendors selling porn, mix CD’s, music from rappers you’ve never heard of and never want to, chicken, sausages, and even a few hookers hanging out looking for stragglers. It feels more like a flea market than a strip club parking lot, but don’t take that to mean it’s dangerous; the place feels more like a tailgate than a crime scene.

However, any pretention of modern amenities and high-class vanish as you reach the front door and read a sign that says “No weed smoking allowed in the club. No firearms or weapons of any kind.” And then you are given a more thorough search than you are at most major airports.

Inside the club the crowd is almost all black. The patrons are pretty relaxed guys, and there isn’t much of a “thuggish” element at all. The girls are friendly, although far from the best looking black women I’ve seen, and will chat you up without demanding money. The place reminds me of how Booby Trap-Homestead used to be, with a lively-yet-trashy crowd, a mainstage behind the bar and a pool table off to the left.  Lap dances are in one back room, although you won’t get much back there that you couldn’t get in a table dance at the bar. I would recommend saving your money and keeping the dance up front, and if you want to take it further getting a champagne room.

Club Lexx also offers a small kitchen (the neon sign in the back will let you know when it’s open) that features Chicken Souse and Pork Souse. I didn’t try either, and didn’t see anyone else doing it.

While this club is not as nice or classy as its ads might lead you to believe, if you like black women it is probably your best bet in Miami. The atmosphere is laid back, the girls are nice, and the club is relatively clean and surprisingly devoid of smoke. While still a dive compared to some other spots, it is trashy without being scary.  Club Lexx is still a decent club in a not-so-decent area.

6. Crazy Horse
17800 State Road 9, Miami 305- 999-9500

Driving along I-95, you might look over and see this mega-club with a famous name and think “Hey, Crazy Horse in Vegas is great. And Motley Crue seemed to have good things to say about the one in Paris. This Miami one must be fantastic!” And even after you navigate the maze of streets and unmarked turnoff from Miami Gardens Drive (take the 441 North Exit from 95 south, much easier) you get to this massive club and think it should be fantastic. Then you notice that there are maybe two dozen cars in the lot and it’s 2 a.m. on a Saturday. Then the security guard asks you if you’re there for the strip club or the regular club. And then it just gets sad.

Crazy Horse doesn’t charge a cover, as the counter for that looks like it hasn’t been used in months. You then walk into what looks like a strip club set up for a photo shoot before its grand opening: Massive stage with multiple poles, lavish VIP areas, three fully-stocked bars, plush couches and lap dance areas, and futuristic lighting and sound. All in a space the size of spots usually reserved for airplanes ending in 7. But not a single person is there. Not one. The music is playing, the lights are flashing, but the club looks like a ghost town.

Apparently the owners of Crazy Horse Miami felt they would be better served to use this large space as a dance club, which apparently nobody goes to. The strip club has been relegated to the upstairs, which looks like it was originally planned as the ultra-VIP area where high rollers could go and get $300 blowjobs. But what it is now is a single stage roughly the size of a cubicle and a bar where the 9 or so strippers who work on Saturday will take turns dancing naked in front of your drinks. Everything in the place is new and clean, but that’s about all that is good about Crazy Horse.

The strippers here are mostly attractive black girls with a few Latinas thrown in. They are not overly-friendly and look, for the most part, bored. The girls are bored because the clientele is cheap. Mostly younger black guys who sit on couches and half-watch the dancers from afar so they can avoid tipping. The lap dance couches could be resold to Rooms-to-Go they are used so infrequently, and VIP rooms and champagne rooms, which I think were originally intended to be Sky Boxes at the intended super club, look like they haven’t seen a lap dance in months. These rooms have great views of the empty club below, and you could imagine it being a great spot if anyone ever went. But as it is, Crazy Horse is a big, expensive ghost town that I would be surprised stays in business long. Somebody had a grand vision for this place but, sadly, right about now they’re looking downright, well, Crazy.

7. Solid Gold
2355 NE 163rd St, North Miami Beach 305-956-5726
http://www.solidgoldvip.com

Solid Gold has the look, at least from the outside, of that sort of giant Super Strip Club that would feature hundreds of girls and vast open spaces. There is a drive up for valet and a posh waiting room complete with fish tank. Upon entry, they are sure to remind you of their perceived exclusivity as they charge $5 for SELF parking on weekends. That’s right, they charge for self parking. Which means before you have seen one G-String you are already down $15 after you pay the cover.

Formerly home to Miami’s only all-male strip club, La Bare, Solid Gold is used often for filming of Playboy TV specials and is a magnet for many celebrities. While it may not offer the array of women that a Tootsie’s or a Scarlett’s might, it does offer a more intimate, exclusive atmosphere so that you don’t feel like you’re watching girls get naked in a warehouse. The low ceilings, super-plush seats and elegant bars give Solid Gold a distinctively upscale feel. That and they feature flatscreen TV’s over each urinal showing centerfold videos of naked women. Surprisingly, most guys make it out of there in under 2 minutes. Solid Gold is also one of the few remaining clubs in North Miami to serve liquor until 6 a.m., in case you didn’t get enough strippers before the sun comes up.

This all being said, the cost of everything, be it a lap dance, a drink or a cover charge are not much more than they would be at any other less-opulent looking establishment. The additional cost is incurred should you choose to sit in one of their many VIP rooms, denoted by a variety of colors and of course the requisite “champagne.” This is not only if you partake in bottle service, done like in a traditional club, but also if you order normal drinks as the prices increase when you sit in one of these more-private areas. But these “VIP” rooms do not really offer as much privacy as in some other clubs; unless you go into the “new room” (formerly LaBare) you are no more secluded from the hoy polloy on the main floor than a guy sitting on the rail.

The one downside of the opulent setting, though, is that the strippers behave in much the same manner as patrons of high-end non-strip clubs. That is they are not very nice, a little stuck up, and often rude. Yes, you may get the occasional girl who is a little friendlier, but most of them act like they are doing you a favor by letting you pay them $25 for 3 minutes of their time. But the award for rudest strippers in Miami has to go to…

8. Club Madonna*
1527 Washington Ave., Miami Beach 305-534-2000
http://www.clubmadonna.com

*Do not believe for a second this club has anything to do with the pop singer of the same name.

As it is now the only strip club in South Beach, a tourist would be hard pressed to miss Club Madonna, what with its neon front and scantily clad women outside. Their giant marquee combined with the stretch limo that parades their dancers around South Beach might lead you to believe this was where you could see all those beautiful girls you saw in the clubs take it all off just for you. But, like so many other things in South Beach, this is only a façade.

Tourists are pretty much the only fools dumb enough to venture into Club Madonna. Because of Miami Beach regulations there is no alcohol sold inside which already puts the level of fun to be had at Madonna a good two rungs lower than it would be anywhere else. Second, there is always a cover charge and a one drink minimum, that drink usually consisting of carbonated water and a little Coke syrup. Third, and most importantly, the girls are extremely rude. I mean it was as if you walked into their bathroom while they were changing and they can’t wait for you to get out. As soon as you drop $20 on the stage.

If they are not treating you like some sort of Strip Club pariah, they are telling you in a fake foreign accent how they got stuck in Miami and have no visa home and are trying to work their way back to some Eastern European/South American country you’ve never heard of. And while this may sound vaguely familiar to some disturbing Anderson Cooper report you saw on CNN a while back, it is typically not the case. It is typically some foreign chick exaggerating her accent and trying to get your sympathy so you’ll blow $250 on her in the champagne room. At which point this encounter may or may not start to more closely resemble that Anderson Cooper special.

9. Thee Doll House
255 Sunny Isles Blvd., Sunny Isles Beach 305-948-3087
http://www.dollhousemiami.com

Motley Crue was a little confused. Of course, I suppose “Girls, Girls, Girls/ At The Doll House in Sunny Isles Beach” just doesn’t quite have the same ring. And given the state Motley Crue was in for most of the 1980’s, it’s not unlikely they just thought they were in Ft. Lauderdale when they stopped by. No matter. The club is still there, Dade County address and all.

While the song might lead some to believe that Thee Doll House is some sort of super club full of super hot women, it is actually a small, somewhat divey club in the Russian enclave of Sunny Isles Beach. I mention the ethnicity of the area as the club has an unusually high number of blondes with accents (real accents) not to be expected in a city where most of the strippers are Latin. The club features three stages, although usually only the main one in is in use, and a full liquor bar in the back complete with stools for the local drunks.

Along with the typical “more private” VIP and champagne rooms, Thee Doll House also offers shower shows. These are particularly entertaining for those who like to see the girls naked sans the 10-inch platforms. Or if you happen to have a shaving cream fetish. Lap dances of the common, $25 dollar variety require dancers to leave their bottoms on, which is not the case a lot of other places. And don’t expect to spend too long in this beachside burlesque parlor; even on a Saturday night there are rarely more than 15 girls working. If you keep to the “Once you see the same stripper twice you leave,” rule, you’re not going to be in there more than an hour. That being said, Thee Doll house may be the only club in Miami that allows you to bring your dog in. Unfortunately, there are no naked poodles on the stage for him.

10. Pink Pony
7971 NW 33rd St, Doral 305-513-3780
http://www.showbars.com

If you took Gold Rush, toned down the interior a notch and kept the same class of not-quite-ready for Prime Time stripper, you have the Pink Pony in Doral. What the location - in an area not frequented by tourists and club-goers - provides is a slightly nastier cousin to the Downtown superclub. Popular among locals, the club features mostly Latina dancers with a couple of black and white girls thrown in. A lap dance will run you twenty dollars, but do not be fooled: In addition to the dance you must pay an additional $20-25 for a “private” room, unless you want your lap dance out in front of everyone else. If you are content with your run of the mill grinding and grab-assing, then save your money and keep the dance on the floor.

However, should you want a more, shall we say, personal experience with one of the lovely ladies of Pink Pony, the “private” room offers a much better locale for these types of encounters without the gross overpricing of a “champagne room.” The price of services rendered will vary, but at least you don’t have to shell out 275 bucks for something that costs $4.99 at Publix.

The other saving grace of the Pink Pony is the pizza. Avoid the fried foods as I believe the oil is changed about as often as the upholstery on the seats, but the pizza is far and away the best you’ll get in a bar full of naked women. Unless Andiamo’s starts featuring nude entertainment while you wait.

11. Pink Pussycat
3900 NW 36th St., Miami 305-633-4000

Once upon a time, the Pink Pussycat was a popular hangout among Miami locals. Or so I am told. When you drive by, the club looks like a neon oasis, situated next to Miami Jai-Alia with bright signs enticing commuters on the nearby 112 Expressway and tourists just arriving from the airport with promises of Girls, Girls, and, oh yes, more Girls.

So to the uninitiated, you might think this was one of the best clubs in the city. And, much like the pari-mutuel palace next door, at some point it may have been. But sadly, this is no longer the case. The Pink Pussycat is a small strip club with one large bar that looks a little like Mac’s Club Deuce with a stripper stage. Or maybe it’s just that the Deuce looks like a strip club without a stage. Either way, the Pussycat is kind of a sad location with low ceilings, small televisions and a lot of smoke. The orange vinyl chairs and sticky tabletops speak of a degree of apathy on ownership’s part, and the dancers look equally as enthusiastic about the club’s prospects.

The girls who work at the Pussycat are for the most part your typical Miami Latina Strippers, with a few white girls thrown in for the tourists they optimistically hope to attract. Most are friendly, but this may just be because they lack anything better to do than talk up the customers. The crowd is mostly blue-collar locals, single middle-aged guys out for a beer at the local nudie bar. Like the kind of place Al Bundy would go if he were Cuban.

Parking is valet only, but free without the tip (in case you blow all your money inside). The club features 9 champagne rooms that are only semi-private, but given the very hands-on nature of the on-floor lap dances, it won’t take much to take it further in the back. The sign at the front reads “2 Drink Minimum,” but unless you plan to have one beer and loiter it is highly unenforced. Though the inherent sadness of the club leaves little in the way of variety of women, it is still not a bad spot to spend a couple hours if you have a layover at MIA. After all, it is really the only strip club near Miami International Airport. The cab ride is cheap and, unlike strangers you chat up in an airport, here you can feel them up too.

12. PT’s Showclub
7565 W 20th Ave., Hialeah 305-558-2221

These used to be this place off the Palmetto Expressway. They used to call it the Hialeah Center for Interpretive Dance and Performing Arts. Some just called it Treasure Island. Whatever you called it, this Hialeah home for Adult Entertainment had a kitschy Pirate theme and was popular with local military as they all got in for free. Go to TI’s on the Marine Corps birthday and you would probably stop thanking them every time you saw them on the street. But despite its appeal to local Hialeans and our nation’s armed forces, Treasure Island was sold to the good people at Platinum Plus. And boy did they clean things up. Sort of. But apparently that name didn’t really catch on, and now our beloved HCIDPA is going by the name “PT’s Showclub.” But while the name on the sign has changed, the people, and the girls who work there, seem like they’ll always stay the same.

While the exterior has been redone in a clean stucco and the interior now boasts nicer chairs and better sound and light, the crowd and the dancers are, well, still VERY Hialeah. For those not from greater Miami, this means it is a little on the, shall we say, trashy side. The silicone that is so prevalent in most higher-end clubs in Miami is completely absent at PT’s, as breasts appear to come in two sizes: Big and Floppy or Non-existent. Oh, but what the girls lack in appearance they make up for in performance.

I’m not talking about gravity-defying pole tricks or professionally choreographed stage routines. No sir. I’m talking about nasty girls giving nasty lap dances. As in the first thing they do when they take you to the rows of padded benches in the back for a lap dance is reach in your pants. You can touch most of the girls pretty much anywhere, even when they are parading the floor asking for tips for their non-existent stage dances. And the price of taking it further is, well, negotiable. The crowd is of much the same class as the dancers, and the food, sadly, was not improved during the ownership change.

13. Hialeah Gold
766 E 25th St., Hialeah 305- 836-1525

Let’s say you are here from out of town because a close family member needs surgery they can only get at Hialeah Hospital. Now let’s say you’ve spent all day in there and need something to do for a few hours while your loved one rests, and you sadly discover that the famous horse track has been closed since the Clinton administration. So you briefly consider taking the Metrorail into downtown to see if there’s anything to do when, right across the street, you see what looks like a dirty strip club.

“No,” you say. “I mean, who would put a strip club across the street from a hospital? Don’t these people have any sensitivity? Don’t they know that children might come here? Don’t they have any moral standards at all?”

Sir, Welcome to Hialeah.

Aside from being a good place to kill time while your mother gets triple-bypass surgery, there is not much reason to head up to Hialeah Gold. Though the name sadly tries to imply that there is some element of class associated with it, as soon as you drive up you know that the “Hialeah” in the name far outweighs the “Gold.” The tattooed valet will make you glad you didn’t drive an expensive car up to the club, and the dancers inside will make you glad you got that series of hepatitis vaccinations last year(if you didn’t, there’s a hospital conveniently located across the street!).

The club is a dark, low ceilinged, smoky joint frequented by blue-collar Hialeans and illegal immigrants. The signs in the club are almost all in Spanish, but if you’re lucky you can find a dancer who speaks English.  Should you choose to get a lap dance, you can go to a small semi-private room next to the mainstage that is secluded from the rest of the club. In there, the dances are very hands on and a good deal for the $25 the girls charge. For $70, you can rent a champagne room, without even buying champagne, and the girl will charge, as one explained to me “Whatever she charges for whatever you wanna do.” I mean, I guess if my wife was dying of cancer across the street, I’d need a little release too.

14. Booby Trap Doral
5325 NW 77 Ave., Doral 305-477-2176

This latest in that triumvirate of South Florida Strip Clubs that is Booby Trap is far and away the chain’s greatest effort. This spot, opened about a year ago (formerly Jaguars, among others), is a purple neon beacon off the side of the Palmetto Expressway that, unlike its other Palmetto-lining counterpart in Hialeah, looks like a high-class joint. But when you see the marquee and decide to wait out traffic with a naked girl on your lap, you suddenly discover that getting to the place is extremely difficult. Though some of you may be able to navigate the maze of industrial streets that lead you from the Palmetto to BT’s, my advice is just follow the pickup trucks once you get off the highway. They’re all headed the same place.

The club is very nicely done, with the requisite pair of lions guarding the door and a plush lobby that features a humidor and impressive fish tank. Once you pay your cover at the opulent front desk, be sure to stay straight as you walk in the main door. I say this because if you make a right you will find yourself smack in the middle of Goodfellas, a strip club that, as the name might imply, features men. Now, if that’s your thing, then have at it, but sadly a review of that club will not be included here (despite the fact that I, like everyone else, inevitable accidentally wandered in here only to look at the stage and be immediately blinded and escorted out by a female bartender. Don’t let it happen to you).

If you’ve ever been to Scarlett’s up in Hallandale, this club is like a smaller version of that spot. It has a very expensive and impressive light and sound system, and a large stage that can accommodate multiple dancers. The bars are fully stocked and tended by women in outfits that are best described as “Pearl Gone Slutty.” That is, all white with knee high boots. But instead of a skirt they are in lace panties. And needless to say, the quality drops a few notches as well from the South Beach champagne lounge.

The walls are lined with plasma TV’s that show actual sports, rather than the usual Playboy Lingerie videos that nobody notices. The air in the club feels clean, as the ventilation system gets most of the cigarette smoke out quickly. The furnishings are new and spotless, and the bottle service booths which line the far well of the club look like doctors’ waiting rooms with flat screen TV’s. For a more private experience, BT Doral also offers a maze of private rooms that you can “rent” by the half hour. The club offers full bottle service in these rooms, as well as a full menu of typical bar fare which tastes, not surprisingly, like typical bar fare. I wouldn’t make a point of having dinner at this place, but if you work up an appetite tucking bucks at the massive mainstage, the food won’t make you ill either. The club also has a couple of pool tables if you’re more into billiards than naked women.

The crowd is mostly younger guys, and the girls somehow don’t fit the décor. While you will see a good number of couples in here (and I have always found that the number of couples you see in a club is a good barometer of how nice it is) the dancers look like they split shifts between here and PT’s up the Palmetto. They are a fairly trashy and unimpressive lot, although they are more the strung-out-with-one-kid variety rather than the burned-out-with-kids-in-foster-care group. Nasty, but not depressing. I would recommend this club if you want an upscale atmosphere with downscale women, or just a good place to avoid sitting on the Palmetto.

15. Booby Trap Homestead
29000 S Dixie Hwy., Homestead 305-248-7713

For a quality personal account of a trip to this fine establishment, please follow this link.

Formerly Pink Gold. Formerly Wild Horses. Formerly Maddy Silk’s. Formerly a lot of other things as nobody can seem to make a go of it with this end-of-the road strip club in Homestead. And when you walk inside it doesn’t take long to figure out why. The girl taking your money at the front door is typically on her 15th drink of the night. That is if you show up before midnight. It is not uncommon to see the dancers sitting at the bar, sometimes eating a Big Mac or other delectable food obtained from an outside source. The club offers lunch and dinner, but given the fact that the employees, who look like they subside on a diet of fast food and crack, won’t touch the stuff, it is recommended that you follow their lead.

The dancers are almost all black, but if that is your style you are probably better suited to go to a more diverse club and get one of the dancers there. These girls will ask you for a cigarette or $3 for a drink before they’ll ask you for a dance. The clientele is actually a little higher-end than the dancers, although this may only be because it would be hard to be any notches further down. There are two stages, although the one behind the bar is typically the only one in use, rendering the stage that occupies an entire room useless on most nights. The now-removed pool tables got more use and probably generated more money. More people seem interested in what is on TV than the dancers, and it is hard to blame them. The folks at Pink Gold, or Booby Trap, have cleaned up the club a lot from its Wild Horses days, but in that location it may be simply rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

16. Booby Trap 2 (BT’s)
5922 S Dixie Hwy., South Miami 305-663-9837

Though a stark improvement over its similarly-named cousin to the south, BT’s is not the best that Miami strip clubs have to offer. Its shortened name comes from a stipulation the club had when it opened on South Dixie Highway in family-friendly South Miami. Apparently part of their being an “All-American City” was not having the word “Booby” plastered all over the biggest street in town. So the club is known on its sign and, consequently to most of its patrons, simply as “BT’s.”

The club is well managed and the staff is for the most part friendly. As are the majority of the dancers. They are predominantly Latina and of higher quality than Gold Rush or Stir Crazy, but not near the quality of Scarlett’s or Tootsie’s. Lap dances are the standard $25, but again thanks to the slightly lower-grade of girl, there are always negotiable extras to be had at BT’s. Its proximity to residential areas in South Miami and Coral Gables give it a much more upscale crowd, and as such a slightly nicer interior, but again the quality of dancer doesn’t exactly match up. If you want something a little more intense than Bare Necessity and don’t want to drive too far north, this is likely your best bet.

17. The Trap Lounge
13690 NW 7th Ave., Miami 305-681-1756

If such a thing as “Friendly Neighborhood Dive Black Strip Club” exists, then The Trap is it. The place looks, from the outside, like the textbook definition of “Seedy Strip Club,” as it is a small shack located on a bad street in a questionable part of town. But this place is more like Cheers than it is like a brothel.

The Trap (not to be confused with the above “Booby Trap” franchise. No relation here. Not even close) doesn’t charge a cover, likely because nobody in their right mind would pay money to set foot in the place. The club is full of guys who seem more interested in sipping on a beer or playing pool than watching the dancers. The air is filled with Black and Mild smoke, and as you sit at the bar you have to watch the dancer on the stage through a haze. But the bartenders and dancers are friendly, and seem to know all the patrons by name.

The Trap is the sort of club where the customers play pool while the strippers play Photo Hunt on the video machines at the bar. It’s the sort of club where patrons walk behind the bar and drop money on the spread-eagled crotches of whatever dancer is up there. It’s the sort of club where the manager (the only white guy in the place) picks up the one dollar bills on the floor that missed the dancer when some patron decided to “make it rain,” and puts few in his pocket before giving the rest to the girl. And it’s the sort of place that has bathrooms that vaguely remind you of ones you used at a similar spot in Tijuana.

The Trap has a small lap dance area, which consists of two couches behind the pool table, and looks like it never gets used. I’m sure if you ask a stripper for a dance, she’ll be happy to oblige, but she might look at you funny like you don’t belong there. Also, be advised The Trap does not serve hard liquor. Not for any regulatory reasons, but more because I would guess it doesn’t have the license. But beer and wine are plentiful and reasonably priced.

All in all, this club, which is maybe 40 feet by 20 feet, is a good way to get a feel for the local flavor of Opa Locka. Now, I’m not sure if that’s something you want to do, but if you want a laid back bar that has naked black women dancing behind it, The Trap is not a bad place at all.

18. Centerfolds
19995 S Dixie Hwy., Cutler Bay 305-255-7474
http://www.showgirlsinc.net

Formerly Goldfinger South, this Cutler Bay (Ridge) staple is located right off the turnpike exit at SW 200th St. The best feature of this club is its free lunch special from 12-2 PM daily. That’s right. Come in, order one drink, and you get a free lunch complete with scintillating conversation with whatever day-shift stripper happens to be bored enough to sit down with you. Typically they will ask for some of your fries, so be prepared. The whole meal comes out to about ten bucks after you tip the dancers and the waitress, but still that’s cheaper that it would be a TGI Friday’s and last time I checked the waitresses there have to be wearing something under all the “flare.” And, surprisingly, the food is quite tasty.

Sadly, that is about all that is tasty at Centerfolds. While you may get the occasional out-of-town stripper who got stuck in South Dade, not knowing South Dade and South Beach very slightly different things, most of the dancers are a few cuts below prime. It’s a shame, as the décor of the club is very nice, and it features two separate rooms of entertainment for busy nights. There are private VIP and champagne rooms that offer much of the same plush décor, and large-screen TV’s for event viewing. So lacking any dancers of customers, the place is quite lavish. Unfortunately, you need both to survive.

The crowd is decidedly undocumented, as you may greeted by more than one dancer with a “Wow, you actually speak English?!” But then again, most of the dancers don’t speak it either. According to one visiting stripper we talked to, most of the girls working there have pimps too. So don’t even THINK about walking out on the $450 you owe the girl from the champagne room.

19. Stir Crazy
12425 S Dixie Hwy., Miami 305-235-3717

Much like many of its South Dade counterparts, Stir Crazy is long on mediocre Latina strippers and short on pretty much anything else. While it does feature two stages, what it does not feature is a variety of dancers or a staff that is easy to communicate with. The club is rather small, forcing lap dances into a separate room from the drinking and main entertainment. The upside to a small club with trashy dancers and a separate lap dance area is pretty obvious. I just wouldn’t let any of the girls here kiss you on the mouth.

Drinks are reasonably priced and occasionally you can find a diamond in the rough, but for the most part the club is just sort of a nasty, neighborhood nudie bar for guys from Kendall and Pinecrest. The interior is a little beat up, as is the exterior, as are the dancers. The girls, however, are a little friendlier than they are at some of the higher-end clubs, but this may just be because they don’t feel like working. Better to go a little further south to Centerfolds or a little further north to BT’s.

20. Bare Necessity
9100 S Dixie Hwy., Miami 305-670-237

At first glance, you wouldn’t even guess Bare Necessity was a strip club. From the outside, it looks like little more than a lounge attached to a small liquor store in Kendall. And from the inside, it looks like pretty much the same thing. Save, of course, for the two poles behind the bar and the stage jutting out from one of the walls. Bare Necessity has the feel of a local dive bar with the added bonus of naked women walking around. And, surprisingly, they are pretty attractive.

One might expect what amounts to a liquor lounge with a stage to have some of the more run-down strippers you’d find, but this place seems to attract a good mix of good-looking ladies from around South Dade. There will rarely be too many working at a given time, but it makes for a nice place to sit back with one of your boys, have a couple brews, and look at some nice bodies in the background. Much like you might with a ballgame except you generally don’t have to tip the TV. Bare Necessity does offer lap dances in a small room off to the side, but the drink specials and lack of cover for anyone over 21 are what make the bar an attractive option for a relaxing night out. That, and Scarlett the feature dancer is one of the most intense, acrobatic pole performers you will ever see. And in such a small setting her act is especially entertaining.

While there are still a handful of clubs we did not cover, this guide should give you an idea of what some of the bigger, and some of the smaller, names have to offer for your strip club dollar. We encourage any of you who have visited different clubs to let us know how they are so our list can be even more helpful to the strip-club-inclined. Just don’t expect to be able to expense your visit like I did: Those privileges are reserved for employees only.

Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411. Matt’s column appears Tuesdays. See more articles by Matt Meltzer >