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Groove Cruise X: 96 Hours of Insanity

Throw 3000 People and the World's Biggest DJs on a Ship, And This is What You Get

Imagine taking all the Advil-necessitating music of Ultra, combining it with the consequence-ignoring mentality of Spring Break, and throwing it all on the floating barge of bad decisions that is a cruise ship for four days. That right there would be a weekend church retreat compared to the Groove Cruise.

Haven’t heard of it? Billed as the world’s largest floating music festival, it’s a 96-hour marathon of electronic music where some of the world’s biggest DJs take to the ocean to play for about 3000, well, people who’d want to listen to 96 straight hours of electronic music. Throw in a smattering of swingers, a healthy population of porn stars, and some of the best bodies money can buy, and you’ve got a recipe for a trip that will change your life. And not just because herpes isn’t curable.
So sneak some liquor on board, and come along with us on a photographic journey from Miami to Cozumel on the 10th edition of the Groove Cruise, as we see why this music festival blows anything on land out of the, um, water?
First, some background: The cruise was founded in 2004 by Jason Beukema, a lifelong cruiser who said he was tired of going on cruises full of “old people and families.” So every year he invites……HIS PARENTS.
Each day and night has a different theme.  Night one’s theme was “Pirates.” Which probably means you think to dress like someone from a movie with Johnnie Depp, right?
Hahaha. This is the Groove Cruise, my friend. It means dress like someone from a movie with Jesse Jane.
The next day offered a Q&A with some big name DJs, among them Funkagenda who recounted his experience being kicked off the stage at Mansion, and pioneer Sydney Blue, who explained how difficult it is for a girl to go to the bathroom during a 6-hour set.
Perhaps the coolest thing about the Groove Cruise is seeing famous DJ’s walking around doing totally normal stuff. For example right after the Q&A, we ran into Markus Schulz in the cafeteria debating between some yellowing cheese pizza and a very questionable chicken vinadaloo.
Night 2’s theme was Superheroes, though I’m not sure what’s so heroic about a guy who barges in when you’re about to get laid and lectures you on safe sex.
Little known fact: Funkagenda is often used as the soundtrack at Furries Parties.
Another little known fact: Batman wears “Passed Out Shirtless Dude in a Hallway With Yellow Crap on His Chest” underwear.
Day 3 was a GOP fundraiser hosted by Chris Christie and Marco Rubio
Nah we’re just kidding. It was a beach party in Cozumel with an open bar and loads of Mexican food. So, yeah, Christie was probably still there.
This girl clearly thought the trip was on Carnival.
So did this one.
I’m not even sure this is sanitary
Or maybe he knows these guys are laughing so hard because those guns are filled with chum.
Wait, I bet my life to go on land and THIS is the prince I get? DEAL’S OFF, URSULA!!!
Nothing says “Looking for a 3rd ex-husband” like 6-pack abs and champagne to the head.
On the way back from Cozumel we apparently stopped at Fantasy Island to pick up Tatoo.
This might be the only cruise you go on where you find guys yelling “I’m on Top of The World!!!” from the middle of the hot tub.
The theme of the final day was “Rep Your Team.” This girl’s club: The South Jersey Attention Seekers.
About two hours into the Day 4 pool party this helmet was banned by Roger Goodell.
This guy actually went on the ’09 Groove Cruise and never got off the boat. Stilll insists Tebow is gonna be an NFL force.
In honor of the Super Bowl, Belvedere also unveiled their new rave-friendly sports drink: Vodka.
All these people took Seattle and the Over.
Ah, ok, it was just Markus Shulz wrapping up the cruise with a 6-hour set.

Related Categories: Miami: Travel News, Miami: Nightlife,

About the Author: Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411.

See more articles by Matt Meltzer.

See more articles by Matt Meltzer

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