Girls Gone Wild in Miami? Not Exactly What You Might Think

From the Spring Break Visitors Guide.

I’m sure many of you have seen the “Girls Gone Wild” videos. Or at least seen the ads on TV or maybe watched them scrambled on your local Pay-per-View channel. If not, there is no doubt in my mind that you are currently residing under a large rock because even my 65-year-old mother has heard of these videos. And she thinks they are disgusting. Personally, I think the idea is a lot of fun, but after the 15th girl flashing her chest to the camera, it gets a little old. Even if you haven’t managed a strip club.

What these DVD’s really serve as are 90-minute advertisements for Spring Break. And not for any specific city, mind you, but just for the experience. And for that, and only that, Miami is truly grateful. Because how many of you out there watched that and said “Dude, we GOTTA go to Spring Break!” Admit it, you did.

The problem for you, Spring Breaker, is that while Miami is certainly a first-rate Spring Break destination, what it severely lacks are “Girls Gone Wild.” Not girls, mind you, the ratio of girls to guys in South Beach during Spring Break is almost even (ask anyone who’s been to Cancun and they will tell you that is not quite the case there). Why is this? I don’t know, perhaps it is the $299-per-night hotel rooms or the clubs with $30 covers that do NOT include all you can drink. Or maybe it is because aside from the Spring Breakers, most guys here are too smart (or maybe just too jaded) to buy them drinks all night long. But any girls who can afford to pay South Beach prices (probably with their daddy’s credit cad, but that is immaterial) are probably not going to be trashy enough to strip for total strangers. No matter how much Skol Vodka you try to ply them with.

Now this does not mean that girls who come here don’t get drunk. Certainly they do that, along with a lot of other illicit substances South Florida has to offer. But what they do not do is get drunk and compete in Wet T-Shirt contests. Nor will they flash you for beads. If you want that, get in your rental car and drive about 3 hours south to Key West. There is plenty of that there. But I have been doing Spring Break in this city since 1999 (save for that one regrettable year MTV was here) and I have seen more girls naked in private than I have in public.

GIRLS GONE EXTREMELY UPSCALE AND OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE

The thing about South Beach is we are known for upscale, uber-trendy, if your shirt does not cost more than your tuition don’t even think about coming in clubs.

Girls love clubs like these because they often offer dancing and make them feel “hot’ by being let inside. Guys? We only like these places because there are hot girls inside. Period.“If it were up to us we’d spend the whole Spring Break getting hammered at Ted’s (more on this later). But girls who like going to clubs like this are only going to get naked if there are large amounts of cocaine and/or cash involved, and certainly aren’t going to do it for some frat boy from Columbia. What I’m saying is don’t go to Prive expecting to get flashed. Unless by “flashed” you mean “kept outside for at least two hours.”  But alas do not be discouraged. While Miami offers a different sort of Spring Break experience, one that would be more aptly described by a DVD entitled “Girls Gone Too Good For You,” there are still places on the beach that offer what you may have had in mind when you booked your trip drunk at 2 AM.

THE ONLY FUN EVER ASSOCIATED WITH THE WORD “CLEVELAND”

The first place you will undoubtedly go in your search for Girls Gone Wild is the legendary Clevelander.

While I outgrew going to the “Cleve” about the same time I outgrew my fake ID, it will be jam-packed with Spring Breakers for the entire month of March. Why? Because it is really the only outdoor pool/bar in South Beach that kids with the fashion sense of Larry The Cable Guy can get into. So what you get are that handful of girls who actually did come here expecting Panama City South. It truly is the one place you can get that real “Spring Break” experience while in South Beach. They have frequent “Hot Body” contests, maybe even a wet t-shirt competition or two, and more guys in striped shirts than the Sunset Strip on a Friday. But while Clevelander will give you that inherent upside of Spring break (binge-drinking, reasonably-priced, girls gone wild) you also get the inherent downside (LOTS and LOTS of DUDES). If you are female, and not up for spending more on your going out outfit than you did to fly here, this may be the spot for you.

WET WILLIES: WHERE ALCOHOLIC SLUSHIES AND PARALELL PARKING ARE JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE FUN

Another popular spot among the young and underdressed is Wet Willies.

While Guillermo Mojado’s (as the locals call it) offers up a bevy of grain-alcohol-infused slushies, it is not exactly the most upscale location on the beach. Not to say it is a dive bar but, well, lets just say if you’re a white girl with a big ass you’ll be very popular there. The line to get in will most likely be around the corner, but unlike so many lines around the corner in South Beach, there will be actual people inside once you get to the front. That is to say more people than the City of Miami Beach Fire Department should reasonably allow in such an establishment. One nice thing about this place is that the giant alcohol slushies tend to get you pretty wasted after only one or two, and this goes for the girls inside too. Willie’s offers a lovely balcony from which said girls can do a variety of things like wave to their friends in line, compliment the male-passers-by, or perhaps take their clothes off for no apparent reason. My favorite balcony activity is watching people try and parallel park while drunk on the street below. Or spitting depending on my mood.

FRENCH QUARTER MEETS DECO DRIVE IN AN ARCHITECHTURAL DEBAUCHERY

The last spot you may try and find some girls willing to strip for beads is Fat Tuesday’s.

If you live in a city whose nightlife is worth a shit, you have one of these. The one on South Beach is made to look like a French-Quarter-type building on Ocean Drive. Doesn’t exactly go with the Art Deco theme, but I’m guessing your primary objective for this week was not to study the nuances of 1930-‘s architecture, so I’ll stop right there. Tuesday’s offers up almost the exact same menu as Wet Willies with one important difference: This place has a Dance Floor. Dance Floors are the notorious places where drunk Spring Break Girls make out with each other, make out with you, and remove articles of clothing for nothing more than a plastic necklace.

And, in true Fat Tuesday style, they hand out the beads. I have never actually seen the whole bead thing work at Fat Tuesday’s, but camera crews do come in during March from time to time. So it would reason that some girl, sometime, at some spot in Fat Tuesday’s “went wild.”. Don’t hold your breath, but your chances are a lot better here than they would be at, say, Social.

IF YOU SCARE AWAY MY TOPLESS SUNBATHERS I WILL THROW YOUR CAMERA IN THE OCEAN

To be perfectly honest, the best spot in South Beach to see some bare breasts is on the actual beach itself. That’s right, kids, for the nine of you out there who were not aware, South Beach is, in fact, a topless beach. Do not be surprised if within 10 yards of your towel you see several bathing beauties who apparently care more about tan lines than they do about modesty.

Now, the best way to ruin this for everyone? Start gawking. Start staring and pointing and make the girls feel like you are staring at their breasts. Yes, when I was a 19-year-old freshmen and first discovered this def-facto strip club on the sand, my eyes popped out of my head. By the time I was a senior I was having conversations with topless women from Chicago about college football. With mirrored sunglasses on, of course. My point is do not be that guy staring, gawking, or, God forbid, taking pictures of the topless girls. This is the absolute quickest way to get them to put their tops back on.  Girls who sunbathe topless (and usually sober) are the complete opposite of the attention whores who flash guys in clubs: 

They want to be left alone and your unwanted attention is going to ruin the scenery for everyone else. Simply take a look, commit it to memory, and use it later on.

It is not to say, Spring Breaker, that the girls here are all too stuck up to get naked in front of a camera. It is simply that while our ratio is better than most other spring break spots, our girls are a little more upscale than your typical South Padre Trash. While you may enjoy basking in the world-class nightlife Miami Beach has to offer, don’t come expecting a five-day fiesta of tits and beer. More like Versace and Belvedere.

  There are still reasons why you should come to South Beach for Spring Break. You can party here better than any other city in America. Just don’t expect the girls to be taking their tops off for you any time soon. At least, not until you get them home. But that, my friends, is another topic for another time…

Related Links: • Spring Break Visitors Guide • How to Eat on South Beach for $10 a Day • That one regrettable year MTV was here • Getting hammered at Ted's • Prive • Clevelander • Wet Willies Related Categories: Miami: Local News, Miami: Travel News, About the Author: Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411. See more articles by Matt Meltzer. See more articles by Matt Meltzer Was This Post Helpful? Please Share It With Others! Tweet

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"Girls Gone Wild in Miami? Not Exactly What You Might Think"

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