Bottle Service is for Douchebags and Suckers

Over the years, South Beach has become less about big clubs where you can go and have fun and more about the VIP experience. I’m not sure why, as the quality of the clubs has gone severely downhill while the turnover has gone up. But bottle service and VIP seems to be the way Beach clubs want to go now. And, much as I love to rip on the douchebags, wannabes, and weekend all-stars who get bottles, I had actually not ever gotten one myself. So, in the interest of having a basis for my rants, a few weeks ago I did.

EVEN WHEN YOU SPEND MONEY, MIAMI SERVICE STILL ABYSMAL

A friend of mine had some family in from out of town who wanted to see a real, South Beach club. Not surprisingly, these family members were girls. So between me, him, his girls and a couple of other friends, we opted to split a bottle of champagne and a bottle of vodka at a club that will remain unnamed. The promoter we worked with was actually very nice and helpful, but unfortunately once she got us through the door we were forced to deal with actual club staff. Which was the typical Miami blend of rudeness and incompetence, with a dash of lethargy.

After shelling out $385, which broke down to a seemingly reasonable $55 a piece, we were firmly told to “hurry up and stand over here.” And then forced to wait as our last friend was lectured by security that he had been told to “come along” and would have to wait behind the rope. Fortunately, the promoter informed security he had paid for a table, and was grudgingly let in.

Now one would think that after dropping close to $400, the staff would be friendly. But then one would be forgetting one was in South beach. But how about at least getting your $250 bottle of so-so vodka to you in under half an hour? HA! We sat for a solid 45 minutes before a bottle came out. The mixers came out fast, as did the big tub of ice. So I sat drinking straight orange juice until about 1.

IF YOU CAN GET DRUNK OFF 2 WEAK DRINKS, THIS MIGHT MAKE SENSE

The bottles came out, and after we each poured our first drink and had a glass of champagne (which killed that bottle) it became readily apparent that the vodka was not going to last until 2. Hell, as it was it barely lasted until 1:40. The three guys in the group each ended up drinking two drinks, and they weren’t that strong. Two of the girls also had 2 drinks, and two only got one. As the vodka ran out at the stroke of 1:42 one of the girls from Not Miami asked me;

“So they’re going to bring out another one, right? I mean, for $400, that better not be it.”

I liked the girl, so I didn’t want to laugh at her. So I just gave her a half smile and shook my head. She was appalled. I just looked at her and said;

“Welcome to South Beach.” She then promptly found some piece of Euro/South American trash in pants that were too tight to buy her a beer.

THE MOST EXPENSIVE BY-THE-HOUR MOTEL IN THE WORLD

At about 2:15, we were not so nicely informed by the staff that if we wanted to stay, we’d have to purchase another bottle at $250. All that money, and we don’t even get the use of the goddam table all night?! What a DEAL!

Since the dance floor was minimal (in earlier incarnations of this club it was huge, but in VIP land all that space is now tables) and the drinks expensive, we collectively said “F—- this place,” and left.

ECONOMICS 101 DOES NOT APPLY IN SOUTH BEACH

Some people try and justify getting bottles by going in large groups, saying it is economical that way. But we ended up paying about $18 a drink for weak vodka crans and some Ed Hardy champagne (no joke). Do it with less people, you may actually catch a buzz getting a bottle, but you also end up dropping $125 a person. Any way you look at bottle service, it is a losing proposition for you, the consumer.  Do clubs really think we’re that stupid? That we’ll just keep dropping cash because we’re already in there listening to your D-list DJ? It’s a recession, morons. At the very least if you’re going to charge us an arm and a leg, let us get our money’s worth.

If you’re coming to South Beach and want to do the big clubs, here’s my advice: Brink some flasks, fill them with vodka, pay the cover and order sodas all night. Because that, friends, is the only way you’re getting a buzz in the Beach without breaking the bank.

Related Categories: Miami: Local News, About the Author: Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411. See more articles by Matt Meltzer. See more articles by Matt Meltzer Was This Post Helpful? Please Share It With Others! Tweet

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