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25 Things You Must Know Before Moving to Miami

You Probably Won't Listen, But You Can't Say You Weren't Warned
March 06, 2013 By Matt Meltzer in Miami: Local News  | 243 Comments

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Thinking of moving to Miami? That’s cute. I give you two years.

“But wait!” you say. “I like sun! I like palm trees! Heck, I even like Cuban food and Salsa dancing and got a B+ in 12th grade Spanish! I KNOW Miami is the place for me!”

Think again, oh freezing cold northerner. There are reasons the average American doesn’t stay here more than a couple of years, and it’s not because they hate 80 degree days in December.

If you came here for a week and thought Miami was your new home, here’s 25 realities you need to accept before you make our skyline your background on Facebook (even though you probably already have).

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1. Jobs are scarce – People are always trying to move here. Businesses – at least ones that don’t involve bottle service or sushi – are not. You do the math.

2. You have to drive like a maniac to survive – Everyone in Miami knows the slowest way to get from Point A to Point B is by following all the traffic laws.

3. Nothing runs on time – This becomes infuriatingly clear the first time you arrive on time for dinner – starving - and have to wait an hour and a half until everyone else shows up.

4. It’s frustratingly transient – Living in Miami for an extended period of time is kinda like being the last guy alive at the retirement home.

5. You will be an outsider – You won’t understand the water cooler banter. You won’t be able to make small talk with strangers. And you won’t get unfunny jokes that people laugh at anyway. Actually, this one might be a plus.

6. Everyone lives at home – Getting the third degree from your date’s father didn’t end when you graduated High School! People in Miami live at home until they’re, like, dead.

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7. Salaries don’t come close to cost of living – Employers seem to think $30,000 a year is perfectly reasonable when a decent apartment costs a grand. They must figure everyone is living at home.

8. Offices are like zoos – The only way your workplace’s loud music, noisy phone conversations, and Spanglish yelling across cubicles will seem normal is if your previous workplace was a dog kennel.

9. Everyone is short – If you’re male and over 6 feet tall, you will generally have every guy in the bar trying to fight you by 2 a.m. If you’re a girl over 5’7”, you will never wear heels on a date again.

10. People flake – Whenever a Miamian makes plans with you, make backup plans. And when those original plans come through, flake on your backup. It’s a vicious cycle, I know.

11. We air condition the ever loving soul out of everything – Jackets have two uses here: Movie theaters and that day in February.

12. FPL will ruin your weekend – Air conditioning units use only slightly less energy than Abrams tanks. So when that first $250 power bill shows up on a Friday, it’ll sting hard.

13. Never believe anyone who says “I can get you in” at a big club – Because he can’t. And neither can “My Boy.”

14. It’s not diverse – Miami is two-thirds Hispanic. A majority figure on par with those bastions of diversity Tulsa and Salt Lake City.

15. Everything involves drinking – You know you’ve lived here too long when you start pregaming ballet recitals.

16. Nobody moves fast – If you enjoy listening to the lady at the front of the checkout line discuss her entire family with the cashier, this actually won’t bother you.

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17. It Floods – It rains here. A lot. I mean, so much they’re building a Goddam ark out in Hialeah.

18. You won’t go to the beach after your first year – And every time you plan to, it will rain.

19. Clubs are for tourists – You think anyone who pays these rents can afford a $12 Bud Light?

20. The Spanish thing is no joke – How many 20,000 square foot stores can you name in your hometown with all their signs in Spanish? Because I can name infinity plus one.

21. Miamians are dumb. Really dumb. – A friend who’s lived here his whole life recently told me “You’re the only person I know who reads books.”

22. Most of those cars are leased – Miami is a great testament to what $299 a month* can get you

23. Lying is perfectly fine – If people here ever told the truth, you’d never know everyone lives at home, leases a BWM, and can’t get you into a club.

24. It’s trashy – We are the birthplace of the chonga. You’re welcome.

25. You’ll never want to leave - But you will anyway.  That’s just how it goes.

*One at this price. $4599 due at signing. Price does not include tax,tag, title, dealer fees, rims, tints, systems, custom paint, and airbrushed murals of Conan the Barbarian

Related Categories: Miami: Local News,

About the Author: Matt Meltzer is a featured columnist at Miami Beach 411.

See more articles by Matt Meltzer.

See more articles by Matt Meltzer

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243 Comments on

"25 Things You Must Know Before Moving to Miami"

Jess says:

I have never laughed so hard since reading White Dade.

Excellent. Although people will still move here anyway.

Posted on 03/07/2013 at 11:12 AM

christ says:

This is wonderful Articles miami, just to be Miami In the 80 & 90 Today Is only I city Full of corruption From The administration To Evresingle person On the street.miami is all about money Man Lying for evrething just because the woman like to used The man woman So smart but Not evreone ,The most Spencer city Is miami The words place to Retired o living is miami To much Hypocrisy,To much Lying for evrething in used….so sad Is a beautiful city But The People destroying Litle but litle…i most from miami To beautiful Island In This is complete another World…Good bye Sunshine capital…..

Posted on 03/07/2013 at 11:19 AM

Jenny says:

Best thing to do is to live and work in an area less than two hours away from Miami where the jobs are better, rent is lower and income is higher, then visit Miami for a night or two every year.  It’s not going anywhere.  That’s what my husband and I did and it suits us very well.

Posted on 03/07/2013 at 1:27 PM

marcela says:

omg this article is perfect, Im from Miami and I hate it down there, yet I love its weather and beaches, yes yes….my never ending inner struggle

Posted on 03/07/2013 at 7:31 PM

Hoping You Move says:

I feel sorry for you bud, your Miami life and experience sounds REALLY lame; specially if you took the time to write down 25 things “you must know” about everything YOU hate. If you think Miami life revolves around “bottle service only” clubs, “everyone lives at home”, “everyone is short” etc. etc. then YOU really are the dumb one. You sound like a total reject, I’m not sure anyone in Miami or any other city would want to deal with you.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 1:53 AM

Anon says:

Miamians are dumb? You probably say that because you surround yourself with idiots. I know many intelligent people that live here in Miami. Thanks for giving us such a false identity. Idiot

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 1:55 AM

Sasha says:

There are many intelligent people in Miami and avid readers. Not everyone is an idiot and I don’t appreciate that general statement.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 6:10 AM

Pissed Cuban! says:

Matt, apparently you’re not the type of person that fits in anywhere. You may be kinda bitter and have some racist undertones, but your views may be a bit off. This is the gateway to the Americas. (Who doesn’t know hispanics live here?) But we have every single ethnic background, right here in this beautiful city. From Cubans to Haitians to Israelis. There’s a give and take to living in paradise. And overpopulation is an issue but, I’m curious… Where is your new found cuddly, humble abode? Keep moving bud you’ll find something. I’m sure Wichita, Kansas would be a perfect fit. Wow Christ… You have huge balls “Evrething” you wrote is illegible and incomprehensible. Glad you moved from Miami… You’re part of the reason this city gets a bad reputation.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 8:46 AM

CJ says:

If you read this article, which is written purely for entertainment, and you still got offended you really are #21

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 9:08 AM

LP says:

“Hope You Move” and “Pissed Cuban” Thank your for that Brilliant comments “kinda” and “specially” are not words.  Thanks for proving the point of the article. Miami is going to be underwater in 100 years… or at least I hope so!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 11:06 AM

Cuban Pete says:

Don’t know what’s funnier: the only half serious article, which is obviously stretching the truth for entertainment purposes, or the totally serious, totally insulted responses (some with awesomely poor grammar).  Cojelo suave, bro.  wink

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 11:17 AM

Miami Chonga says:

Go back to wherever you came from!!! No one is asking you to stay. I hate it when people sh*t where they eat.  Bye!!!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 11:28 AM

CMM says:

I’m assuming most (if not all) of these offended commenters have never lived outside of Florida a day in their lives. Otherwise they’d realize how frighteningly (and amusingly) true this list is!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 11:32 AM

Miami Joe says:

This guy is a tool and an idiot! You suck columnist! And another thing, you totally suck!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 11:40 AM

Will says:

I appreciate all of these kinds of posts, not necessarily because they’re accurate (though they are at least partially all true), but because if it does in fact get people to reconsider moving here, then I’m all for it. We’ve got a massive enough of a population boom already, and traffic isn’t getting any easier with the influx. I know a lot of people that have come here for Spring Break or the Winter Music Conference and have decided Miami’s the place for them, and while as a business person, I welcome their economic stimulus, it can definitely get annoying when it gets even worse to find parking at the beach or there’s more congestion due to traffic accidents from people who haven’t learned how to properly drive down here. Good luck to anyone who doesn’t heed these tongue-in-cheek warnings about my home town.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 11:47 AM

BookReader says:

26. Most Miamians don’t understand Gringo humor. Refer to comments above.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 11:53 AM

JT says:

Everything on here is spot-on. smile

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 11:56 AM

Jen says:

This is hilarious!!! A great Friday read as I sit in my office with Daddy Yankee blaring in the background and my cafecito on my desk! LOL

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 12:08 PM

Chongo says:

QUE CLASE DE MIERDA BRODER

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 12:37 PM

LMBCLT says:

Love Miami but can’t live there
As a Miamian, born, raised, and now living out of the state, I totally agree with Cuban Pete and CMM!! It is truly unfortunate that this article is on point!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 1:13 PM

Ink. says:

Some of the opinions on the article are on point and quite humorous. Others are upsetting and very insulting. It all depends how the reader perceives the article to be and how much “humor” one has. I think the dumb insult was uncalled for, not ALL Miami residents are dumb and simply belittle the Latin’s living here is wrong I think. If you move to other cities, different problems will unravel as well. But if the point of the article was to prevent people from moving down here to reduce the existing overpopulation then kudos.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 1:55 PM

DC Dude says:

LMAO…My wife, a Miami native who now lives in DC with our family, forwarded this to me for a good laugh but also included in her message: “Why I wanted to leave Miami sooo bad!”

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 1:59 PM

Bori says:

scary..but true

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 2:38 PM

marcus says:

never been to Miami with the right people.
but it’s Ok, actually this is what dumb people think about Miami.
get a job, you are not made for thinking /writing.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 2:58 PM

Gil says:

Being a WHITE ANGLO over 40 years old, growing up and living in Miami for over 35 years, I can tell you this list hit the nail right on the head. Actually, I thought it was written very diplomatically, and being very kind to our Hispanic neighbors. Miami WAS a wonderful place to grow up and live. President Carter was the one who allowed Miami to become the sewer it is today by allowing the Mariel boatlift Cubans Card Blanche which continued until the Clinton administration. Its sad and breaks my heart that my home, as I know it, is gone. Its ironic to me how one ethnic group, who supposedly came from such a horrible place, as a whole, has such a sense of entitlement, refuses to conform to the American life style, and has a hate for America. I wish they would all go back to where they came from. Its nice to know I am not alone in my disgust and named all of the reason why I moved away from Miami.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 3:28 PM

Eric says:

Absolutely perfect.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 3:37 PM

Proud Miamian says:

first - Your name is Meltzer, so of course you hate hispanics
second - This could be said about every major city in the USA.  I wonder how many New Yorkers go to the Empire State Building yearly?
third - You are incredibly egocentric.  It’s all about you!

Please move or grow up….or both!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 3:38 PM

Testiculos says:

Exactly, perfectly, right on the dinero.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 3:41 PM

Dan says:

I would say the overall IQ of Miami residents is substantially lower than most big cities.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 3:41 PM

iLOVEMIAMI says:

HATERRRR! AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FO THAT!!!!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 3:45 PM

IA says:

You’re an idiot. This list is ridiculous. I was born and raised in Miami, but left to Tallahassee for college AND I’m a chemistry major. People DO leave. We’re not stupid. We read books. You’re plain bitter. Move elsewhere. Miami doesn’t need people like you. You’ve insulted way too many people. No wonder you can’t have fun in Miami, you have no friends.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 3:47 PM

Susana says:

Si tú eres tan culto como te jactas entenderás perfectamente el español como yo entendí tu inglés y la gente de Miami se comunica sin ninguna dificultad en varios idiomas. Cualquier Ciudad en el mundo tiene su idiosincrasia, su cultura, sus particularidades y eso lo hace especial, eso hace que a tanta gente le guste y a otros no tanto . Jamás se puede generalizar como tú lo haces, porque es de mentes estrechas, de poco nivel cultural y mediocre educación entender que todo debe ser a tu gusto o parámetros. Lamento que hayas tenido tan mala experiencia en tu vida, pero tu experiencia es por tu falta de apertura y vivir bajo preconceptos y prejuicios,  rodeado de mediocres como tú que no pueden ver lo bueno y la gente culta que también habita en Miami. Deberías irte a vivir a Marte por ser un inadaptado social.

Google Translate:

If you are so educated as you boast perfectly understand Spanish as I understood your English and people of Miami no difficulty communicating in several languages. Any city in the world has its idiosyncrasies, its culture, its peculiarities and that makes it special, that makes so many people like it and others not so much. Never be generalized as you do, because it is narrow-minded, low cultural level and mediocre education understand that everything must be to your liking or parameters. Sorry you had such a bad experience in your life, but your experience is a lack of openness and live under preconceptions and prejudices, surrounded by mediocre like you who can not see the good and educated people who also lives in Miami. You should go to live on Mars for being a misfit.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 4:00 PM

Miamiporra says:

This guy, probably got drunk one night in his Miami vacation and the next day in the morning his ass was burning like fire.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 4:05 PM

Peter Paver says:

I’m very happy you’re not here anymore! You are an idiot and you’ll never fit anywhere. We have many intelligent people in Miami, people who read and laugh and want to be ‘home’ with their loving parents… something your cold and anti-family culture can’t get. We like to be family not kick our sons and daughters out of ‘home’ when they are 18! Miami is a live city with many different cultures and ethnicity and that is something you ‘cold northerners’ will never get! That’s why, people form the USA, stay out of Miami! Leave us alone here in our own jungle!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 4:43 PM

JMena says:

haha Funny to see those who got offended, obviously they took it personal. Yeah Miami has a few dark corners but there no such thing as a PERFECT city. A similar article could be written about any major metropolitan city. Kudos on the observational humor though, that was outstanding

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 4:44 PM

TCCmusic says:

Great article, but people from Miami are “dumb”?  Most of the people that live here are bilingual to a good extent. Even if you wanted to make the arguement that ” being smart is being academically successful or interested in things related”, these people know two languages. It’s such a flawed theory. There are so many people here that come from nothing, without any financial help and find a way to work up to $50,000 salaries and more, usually without any college education and do just as well and sometimes better. When individuals with a college education can’t fiugre out how to make the kind of living they seek, but people that don’t have the college education find a way, it begs for the question “Who’s the dumb one again?”.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 4:45 PM

LilyGarcia says:

As a Miamian born and raised I can say this is SPOT ON! Sure our city has beautiful beaches and tons of entertainment - it is a great tourist spot - but for those of us who LIVE here it is crummy. The cost of living is outrageous, our priorities as a city are all wrong - sure we have a new stadium but the roads are going to crap and our schools are underfunded. Everyone wants to live large and look badass but half of them can barely read, let alone drive. Sure we have lots of different ethnicities living here, if I wanted to I could have Peruvian one night, Thai the next and find Baklava for dessert, but who can afford to go out every night and enjoy it? I personally cannot wait to convince my husband to leave this town.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 4:46 PM

Pissed Cuban! says:

Hey “LP” if you weren’t so ignorant, you would know that (kinda) is an acceptable word in the English language. You would also know how to use the word “those” instead of “that” but I guess you’re just as ignorant as the author…
I don’t find it humorous to attack one particular culture. Stating that 2/3 Of the community or latins are: short, non-punctual, trashy, dumb, alcoholics that don’t read or drive properly… You should include the rest of the large, “diverse”, melting pot that is Miami if you wanna be funny. But talking/joking about Blacks or Jews is taboo!
If this was meant to be funny and not some racist rant about how much you hate this city, then I can’t find the slightest smile escaping my mouth…  I’m sure that list would go well in a southern dixie state somewhere. But it Especially goes well with “gringos” that don’t like Hispanic Miamians…  But hey, its all fun and games… hahaha! Just put up a comical Che Guevara painting on the W’s lobby wall… Now that’s funny :0/

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 5:27 PM

Laurel says:

Exactly! That’s why Floridians never go to Miami. Hilarious!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 5:30 PM

Michelle says:

Matt, made me laugh out loud. Thank you for the giggles!! smile

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 6:08 PM

GinaD says:

I lived here for 23 long years and I will also agree with everything that was written! After I finally moved, I realized there is so much more to life than living in Me ami…it’s all about the “ME” attitude. Keep it!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 6:14 PM

carmencita perez says:

Without scrolling to the end, i knew you were white. Just get used to the fact that we multiply quickly and pretty soon it wont be just Miami.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 6:14 PM

KeeperoftheTARDIS says:

All of you people are completely stupid. Miami is full of people who are vain and fake. This article, although is probably meant to be funny but unfortunately it’s spot on. When you have lived here since you were born you tend to hate all the this garbage. Everyone tries to be the bigger and better person or show off; at least those who don’t have a single brain cell or those who drying off their feet from their 90 mile swim. Yes there are some folk here who have class and some level of intelligence, and I applaud those who put up with the bullshit. Glad I’ll be leaving from this fake city.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 6:56 PM

Riccardo says:

Quite humorous

Of course the politically correct responders to the 25 reasons focus on the Latino comments. 

It’s a joke people !!!

Now if only the Puerto Ricans chose Miami rather than Kissimmee as a retirement village. 

Now, that would real funny

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 7:18 PM

David says:

lmao the people getting defensive about “Miamians are dumb”. If you react like that it says something. I’m from Miami and find this hilarious. It IS called humor after all.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 7:32 PM

Jc Rodriguez says:

I’m from Miami, and that’s all true.. grin  NOw leaving in Los Angeles CA.  but I miss Miami….

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 7:39 PM

jeje806 says:

Great article, except for dumb comment about diversity.  Just because HISPANICS speak Spanish doesn’t mean all cultures are the same, actually they are VERY VERY different.  Good thing is, that you fit right in with the “dumb” people of Miami.  We don’t read and you generalize like an ignorant American.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 7:44 PM

Yankee Bound says:

I lived in Miami for a few years and I left about 6 years ago. I thought I’d stay and “go to Heaven” from there but alas, it wasn’t meant to be. I laughed as I read the list because it’s true! (At least 20 of them!) and before you judge me I am Latino, college educated with a 6 figure salary who was apalled at the level of rudeness (driving, office, business-related)and low-life scamsters who live there! Afterall isn’t that TV series “Burn Notice” based in Miami? LOL.  Anyways, after a few years my wife and I decided we didn’t want to have a family and raise kids in a place so fake and where most people are full of sh**.  Now, as a place to visit?  Sure, 2-3 days at the beach and water is always nice. To live? NI LOCO!!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 7:46 PM

Sara says:

OMG spot on! I’ve lived here for 9 of the longest years and its a joke! And for all you haters, other states laugh at all of you here in Miami, they say bring your passport and your flag so you remember you still live in the U.S, what you Miami natives don’t realize is the rest of the US speak English! You would never make it outside of your little Havana!! Good luck! Dale! Oh and can someone remind those Latinas that their tight cheap polyester pants went out of style in the 80’s!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 8:03 PM

You are a tool says:

This is excellent. I can’t believe my eighth grade sister’s journalism program has progressed so far. Yay!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 8:12 PM

Monica says:

Miami is not like the rest of the US, that’s what makes it different. Yes, the article is pure entertainment, but it does strike some cords of truth in it, even with the undertone of frustration, and anger of the writer. We are really fed up with false economy, and plastic surgery, it was once a beautiful place to live. However, there are many of us who still read, yes, books! not Nooks.
I have a feeling this poor guy fell in love with a Cuban girl that didn’t share his feelings. Pobrecito.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 8:30 PM

tab says:

I am 1/2 Cuban. I was born and raised in Miami, but moved to the Los Angeles at 28 yrs old. I just moved back to Miami and I agree with 90% of this. For those of you that think the writer is racist- “I” am not racist. I am 1/2 Hispanic AND Spanish is my 1st language. I’ve been at a Starbucks, where there’s 5 people behind the counter yapping about their weekend. Meanwhile there’s a line of 10 people waiting to order. I interviewed w/ 5 employers and arrived 15 min. Early- they were 20 minutes LATE. One of the employers called me “Bro”, during the interview. I was dumfounded! Miami is a very sexy and vibrant city, but it’s kinda like that guy you dated your freshman year of college that you can’t take seriously

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 8:37 PM

Karlene R says:

I was born and raised in Miami… and here are my 25 reasons why I moved out and never plan on returning except to visit my family over the holiday… and even then, I want to kill myself every second I step out of the house (especially all those DAMNED drivers).

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 8:56 PM

Therebeljuice29 says:

Yeah. As much as I personally do no enjoy the author. ( personal) being from Minneapolis Minnesota. Living here from the University of Minnesota since 2006. EVERYTHING stated here is true.

Miami is very dumb. The only reason to why I love capitalism

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 9:31 PM

Marina Silva says:

Miami is hilarious, sickening and full of contradictions. This post is just a tad too bitter to be funny. I kind of feel bad for you and your experience here. Adios mijo, we’ll get you next time!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 9:41 PM

Taco Bells says:

You Forgot about the toll scams and the tow truck parasites and parking meter ticket nazis! I lived there for almost 10 years, and can say it is a cesspool of #1-25. Glad I got the F*** out of there.. It truly is a banana republic and corrupt as hell. Not even worth visiting! No place else have I had my vehicles towed and broken into numerous times for no reason. Miami is full of thieves and cheats. Last point if you don’t speak spanish forget working down there and better not get lost! All roads lead to over town! Thats a whole nightmare in itself!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 9:44 PM

Nunya says:

Yes people out side of Miami think of South Beach, Palm trees, and the sun. ALL of what was said above is true. People suck down here. Everyone in Miami is out for them self ae generally not nice. If you go to any small town people actually say hi and if you drop something they offer to pick it up. If you drop something here they’ll look at you like you stabbed their grandmother.

Miami Girls are dumb. All they care about is what club they’re going to this weekend and what papi chulo with a fade is picking them up in, all while wearing ed hardy and generally looking like a douche bag spending $500 on a bottle of grey goose you can pick up at ABC liqour for $40. It’s all about status. I was born and raised here, I am white, 26 yrs old and I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH. People always ask me why don’t you speak spanish? we’re in Miami that should be a requirement. NO BITCH WE’RE IN AMERICA.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 9:45 PM

nunya says:

Miami Girls are dumb. All they care about is what club they’re going to this weekend and what papi chulo with a fade is picking them up in, all while wearing ed hardy and generally looking like a douche bag spending $500 on a bottle of grey goose you can pick up at ABC liqour for $40. It’s all about status. I was born and raised here, I am white, 26 yrs old and I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH. People always ask me why don’t you speak spanish? we’re in Miami that should be a requirement. NO BITCH WE’RE IN AMERICA.

Drivers insurance is high because dumb fucks think it’s ok where ever they came from, to not pay for insurance and not drive with out a license. When you get hit by someone who doesn’t speak english cause they came straight off the boat and can’t read a stop sign. Be prepared to pay a premium for car insurance.

All you people that are saying this is not true. You are in denial! STFU, jump back on raft and go home.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 9:52 PM

Miami Native of 30 years. Time to leave. says:

I was born and raised in Miami, 30 years.

This article is SPOT ON. Miamian’s are some of the most ignorant, laziest and rudest persons I have ever known.

Diversity is non existent, unless you consider 10 different Latin countries unique.

People don’t read, or even speak halfway decent English- and I’m talking about the ones born in the U.S.

Most people I know from Miami have never left the state of Florida, much less the country. Worldliness, culture, sophistication do not exist here.

“Class” is about showing how much “bling” you can afford, are buying the largest TV you can find.

Style consists of wearing sunglasses indoors at night, and designer baggy jeans with holes in them. Miami must have invented the term “Ghetto Fabulous”.

People here are aggressive. Miss the highschool days? Expect to get in a physical confrontation at some point, male or female, with someone at some point. 

Nice weather? Sure- If you like being drenched in sweat at night, having to shower 8 times a day, and constantly ruin nice clothes with sweat stains. Or being stuck inside due to some monsoon rain, because once it starts raining there, it rains alllll day.. Then starts again the next day.

There are ZERO coffee shops, or even regular bars for that matter. No body “chills” unless they are at the beach, or at work.  Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is a loud, obnoxious, crowded, and profusely hot and sweaty danceclub. Find a nice little bar you like? At 8pm they squeeze a way too big DJ booth into it somewhere and start blasting the worst reggaeton ever, while douchebags wearing Armani Exchange, Ed Hardy and sunglasses at night rub their sweaty fatness all over you (because fat Latin guys in Miami seem to think they’re built) and start to ogle and grope you. (Fun challenge: find a single Miami resident that knows what the word ogle means without having to look it up. Don’t hold your breath.)

Miami is the Tropical Latino version of The Jersey Shore. 30 years as a native, local resident here.. who’s traveled and lived in over 11 other countries, and been all over the United States.

Miami is sooooo overrated. I have no prejudices, no agendas, and no bitterness. This article is fact. When I was in my teens, I thought it was the shit.

Then I visited other places, and realized how very far behind the curve it is.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 9:55 PM

Amira says:

This was hilarious. As far as some folks stating that Miami is a “melting pot”, I beg to differ on that. I don’t believe this article was based on a single group of people. Growing up in Miami, I can relate to this post and just find it funny. Funny to the point, prior to anyone ever writing articles about Miami, people across the nation had pointed out these same sentiments and they’ve only been here a mere week. Those of you who were soooo “insulted” by this article, face it, this is how the rest of the nation views Miami.  Television and music videos are a small, and I do mean very small portion, to the fact. You either love this city or you hate it. No in between.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 9:58 PM

Julia says:

Truth hurts friends. If you’re offended it’s because you know it’s true. Brilliant.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 10:06 PM

Joe Fernandez says:

You forgot, that recently, Miami was voted THE SECOND WORST RUN CITY IN THE UNITED STATES!!!  If I remember, we beat out Cleveland!

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 10:16 PM

Some guy says:

Try setting a foot in Tulsa before you trash it, smart guy. And you aren’t funny. But at least you try?

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 11:31 PM

tab says:

After leaving Miami, I lived in a few cities: New York, D.C., Los Angeles and Atlanta. When I moved back recently, it was such a culture shock to be standing in an aisle in Publix and have somebody body-check me as they walked by; without excusing them self or apologizing. I’m fairly small-framed and grocery aisles are wide enough for 2 carts..

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 11:45 PM

MGD says:

All correct except for 25, I want to leave.  Never wanted to come here, don’t want to stay.

Posted on 03/08/2013 at 11:47 PM

TR says:

They forgot to mention that we don’t riot like normal people in Miami, we get our casuelas and spoons y pa la calle!

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 12:31 AM

Alena says:

This is the BEST and hilarious.  And all of the reasons I couldn’t wait to flee back to the U.S. from Miami after getting burnt out from two years!  Getting shitfaced at a pool party is only fun once every while, when for just a moment you’ve had your share of the uptight, intellectually stimulating things people in the northeast are doing and just want a dose of thoughtless playtime in the sand.  But quickly thereafter you are reminded of how obnoxious it is to hear about rented Ferraris and bottle service but you hang around anyway because at the least, you MUST get remedied and rewarded with endless booze for the miserable lack of decent conversation.  And then blackout and do it again in a year!  Woot woooot!

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 12:36 AM

Its sad says:

Its all true! Only place in the U.S. where they look at you funny when you ask questions in English. I had a clerk say to me why don’t you speak Spanish at a subway. Heck they speak more English in cozemel Mexico then Miami USA….its sad.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 12:42 AM

Teach says:

Reading and writing levels at the public schools are TERRIBLE. I know grown men that cannot read or write better than a 10 year old from a literacy focused school district.  It’s sad when these kids graduate and try to attend a credible university (not FIU). They cannot pass comp 101 or lit 101. Their dreams slowly fade because the schools in Miami suck. They are passed from grade to grade deficient in basic reading and writing skills.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 4:12 AM

Bob says:

I grew up in Miami, lived in Miami all my life. The only 2 things I would agree with are “1.  Jobs are scarce” and “22. Most of those cars are leased”. The only thing that every bothered me was the fact that many people immigrate and don’t bother to learn English - many people will first address you in Spanish (or only in Spanish).

People in Miami are not generally dumb, UNLESS you spend your time hanging around in bars, night clubs, or along the beach. The weather is excellent. And if you venture away from S.Beach/Miami Beach where all the tourists are, you can find some very interesting things to do. Miami has history ranging from the 16th century and earlier, it has nature, and an amalgamation of different cultures. Open your eyes, start hanging out somewhere else.
Jobs ARE hard to find, IF you are uneducated- or have a bachelors in Hospitality and Management or Business. 

I spent my entire life in Miami, with the exception of 4 years in Israel. You want rude people, bad weather, and costly living expenses - go there. Miami is a dream compared to Israel.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 5:22 AM

Den says:

MIAMI s one of the most sunniest places in the world . Check the statistics .. western areas of south florida do rain a-lot more than eastern south beach part . Jobs are very easy to get ! if you can’t get A JOB just simply lazy and do not want to work ! ..

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 6:12 AM

Yovii says:

Yeah this is really dumb something on this article may be true but then again some aren’t. The job thing being scarce is true but the rest I have a question mark on. Very inaccurate to say the least.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 8:30 AM

Marta Magellan says:

I know what Matt Melzer is up to… he knows it’s getting too crowded, and he wants to make sure nobody else moves here so we have it to ourselves.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 9:05 AM

Lola says:

This is what is wrong with our country…..people are to damn sensitive….its not like he wrote this for a Pulitzer prize…..its entertainment and as a Hispanic Miamian he is absolutely on point!!

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 9:07 AM

Ivan says:

I have luved all iver the world and country.  I’ve lived in Miami the past 23 years. I couldn’t stand Miami the entire 23 yrs.  I left to the northeast for a year and could not wait to return to Miami. A lot of the points above are true, however, that’s what makes this place so fun.  Who wan’t to live with boring white toast up north.  I love the hispanic community here and once they get to know you they treat you like family.  Once you leave,  you ALWAYS come back to Miami!!!!!!

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 9:55 AM

Dawn says:

Funnnny!!! And plenty of (unfortunate) truths!!! I’ve lived in 6 cities, and am currently in AZ, packing to move back to Florida. Had several telephone interviews last week!! The job market is competitive and jobs are scarce, my rent will double and FPL will rape me month after month, but south Florida gets under your skin. Makes you itch, burn and shimmy. Got myself some tiger balm and my big ass beach towel. I’m coming back HOME!!!!

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 9:59 AM

Stephen says:

Having moved from Atlanta to Miami a year and half ago, I can say that this article was correct. Sure, it was funny, but it was also very true. I had two women recently flake out on me for a music video I was shooting. We were paying them! When I first moved here, someone said to me “people in Miami, always say let’s do something, but when it comes down to doing it, they never follow through”. The driving is awful here and to get a Florida license plate, you need have an insurance company licensed in Florida! Its to expensive to afford insurance here. The people are rude and ignorance runs rampant. I’ve been to the beach less than 15 times and no one can’t get me into clubs, even with a VIP card. I thought I was about to live out a dream when I saw the sign that reads “Entering Miami-Dade County”, boy was I wrong.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 12:10 PM

Rob says:

Wow, lots of haters posting comments here.  Well, it is our first amendment.  I’m fairly certain this article (as most) is one’s generalizations based on personal observations.  But guess what?  I’m a northerner and I’ve lived in South Florida for 11 years and I LOVE IT.  And I fully agree with the observations listed.  Of course not EVERY Miamian is dumb (or an idiot), but many are not exactly intelligent.  The same can be said for the rest of the country, too.  So, haters, maybe you should chill out a little bit, sit back, and maybe you’ll learn a little more about yourselves.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 12:11 PM

Not A Miamian says:

You forgot #26 regarding how sensitive some Miamians are, totally incapable of laughing at a caricature, tongue-in-cheek, article written about them. Anyone who believes blanket statements about an entire city is the dummy. Lighten up, people. It’s funny!

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 12:17 PM

Elida says:

So true but people (Latinos), wont stop moving to Miami.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 12:21 PM

Bex10 says:

Having been born and raised in Miami (Cuban family), I thought this article was great.  It was obviously intended to be humorous, as some have already pointed out.  I moved out of Miami 7 years ago, and every time I go back (which is quite regularly), I encounter many of the points made here.  Of course there are plenty of nice and smart people in Miami, but on the regular day-to-day encounters with individuals (on the street, stores, etc), you realize how ignorant and rude many Miamians are.  Sometimes you have to leave and live somewhere else to realize these things.  Although it’s my hometown, and I lived there for 30 years, I would never want to live there again. I don’t believe the writer is racist or that what he wrote was inconsistent.  He was right on, and the article was funny!  For those who were offended, cójelo suave con take it easy, and be nice to people.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 1:25 PM

Umadbro? says:

>read article
>saw author named Meltzer
>chuckled to myself

Another poor white guy venting about how frustrated he is living in a place that doesn’t look and feel like the midwest or “dirty” south. Angry that despite not following the honky program, Miami is banking left and right. We’re ranked 4th in the world according to the last UBS report in terms of domestic buying power. I get your article is just attempting to be humorous but it’s far from intelligent satire. You kind of sound like a cry-baby to be honest. Sorry bro

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 1:31 PM

Xisco says:

I used to hate Miami, until I lived in overrated, crappy Los Angeles. Wanna make a list about a place that sucks a**? Go there. Although what you say about Miami is mainly true, particularly the thing about jobs and salaries. They f**king suck! And most people (not everyone) that I’ve met that were born here are pretty stupid. Anyway, interesting column, and funny to see all the jackasses that don’t know how to even spell getting angry about being called dumb.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 1:49 PM

maxfortu says:

why u guys complain about Miami and the end everybody comes here .....go some where else .........I lived in New York, Chicago, LA…please the most horrified people…..70% are failed in the own life job and private life….

over here in Miami at least everything is not about money…...

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 2:19 PM

Consider it says:

I am an “immigrant” American living in South Florida. (There is a running dispute or joke with Florida locals posting “NATIVE” on their cars.)  I lived in Miami 15 years years, then moved a county north to Broward for the last 20 years.  Miami HAS gotten far more congested. The traffic snarls are daily, and will consume hours of your time.  Many drivers “caravan” through redlights, staying right on the bumpers of the cars in front of them, which causes city-wide gridlock.  There is an old saying about moving to Florida and getting your first “toehold” job in Florida: “Take half of your pay in sunshine.”  And Miami’s cost of living IS high.  It normally takes about five years of job changes and shifts to get to where you are comfortable and adjusted.  If you like professional sports, you WILL enjoy South Florida, i.e.  The Heat aka El Heat, Dolphins, Marlins and Panthers.  Restaurants are plentiful, and the food from grocery stores is varied seasonally and brought here from all over the world.  Miami International Airport is not just for passengers, it is an ENORMOUS air cargo facility, so vast in fact that the cargo transhipment area is called “Cargo City.”  Most Miamians do not realize that FPL grants everyone a price break up to a certain level of usage, I think 5,000 KW.  After that, the price per kilowatt goes way up. So, if you want lower electric bills, keep your watt usage low during the cooler months the first half of the year. If not, you will receive a VERY large electric bill in August.  Please consider the entire “Gold Coast” if you want to move to South Florida.  The Gold Coast consists of Miami-Dade County, Broward County, and Palm Beach County.  [Monroe County aka “The Keys” is a fabulous area, but a whole separate conversation.]  I made my life here, I prospered here, I received opportunities here unavaliable to me elsewhere, and I am grateful about my adopted state, Florida, where I have lived the majority of my adult life.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 2:20 PM

JC says:

Whoever wrote this is such a LOSER. He didn’t have balls enough to make it in miami and obviously he doesn’t want anyone else to do it.  This is crap. The only thing I agree with it’s the traffic part and he didn’t even focused on it

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 2:37 PM

American says:

Its Miami vs. America.  Miami should be a new latin country because in Miami no one has really had to conform to American “ways”.  A lot of hispanic people can immigrate and live here for years and be so culturally secluded that they are expectant of others to speak spanish when it is the individual’s responsibility to become part of a new world.  This in turn can develop a new generation that also lacks societal skills like being able to communicate clearly.  It is almost impossible to find “forward-thinking” environments or have intellectual conversations where proper grammar and vocabulary is used versus terms like “bro”, “nigga”, “like literally”, “super”, or my personal favorite “irregardless”.  I guess thats what happens when individuals can graduate high school in Florida and still score so poorly on their FCAT.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 3:02 PM

Greg says:

HAHAHA…born and raised in Miami. Moved away 1 year ago and this list is spot on.  And gotta love the comments by all the butt hurt hispanics on here.  cracks me up

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 4:01 PM

Consider it says:

Dear JC, thank you for your thoughtful and contemplative response.  Bless your heart. I moved to Broward County in 1993 so I could continue my law practice in all three of the Gold Coast counties more conveniently. I am at the Miami-Dade main courthouse several times a week.  But also at the Palm Beach County and Broward County courthouses as well. I forgot to respond to the other criticisms about the Miami schools.  Miami-Dade has students enrolled in the system from 190+ DIFFERENT countries.  You read that right, 190+.  In Broward, we have students from 120+ DIFFERENT countries. Our teachers volunteered to work overtime to help non-native English speakers improve their English language skills, IF the community would contribute the materials for the course. In my local community (and South Florida is rich with unique local communities) we raised over $20,000 for the materials. ALL of our native language Spanish speaking students raised their grades at least one full letter grade overall, and many two letter grades.  If you are thinking of moving to South Florida, and you embrace diversity, you will be most welcome here.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 4:22 PM

NoPee4meRKelly says:

Haha mostly true. Miami would be far better with less diversity. Such a beautifully sunny place ruined by all these shady people.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 4:45 PM

Consider it says:

For those considering moving to South Florida, I would like to share an experience I had at an Economic Forum February 2012 sponsored by the Daily Business Review. A panel of informed Economists (who had been given opportunities to review long term government and business plans for all three Gold Coast counties), opined that the economic growth specifically in Miami will be amazing.  One economist used an analogy, “In the development of Miami, amazing as it has been already, think of it as a teenager compared to what it will become in the next thirty years.”  So, if you are stuck in a town, county, city, or state elsewhere, with slow or no growth prospects, be assured that Miami will continue to grow economically.  My old 6th grade teacher taught us, “Good, better, best, never let it rest, until you good is better, and your better, is best.”  Miami is good, and getting better every day.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 4:55 PM

Teacher says:

Consider This:  If only families were as invested in educating their children as teachers are.  Sadly, that isn’t the case in so many homes.  Furthermore, when I was referring to the lack of literacy in Miami it was the English speaking “graduates” that frustrate me the most.  Yes, they are children of immigrants and most likely only heard Spanish in their homes, but I have many friends from other cities and states that didn’t hear a lick of English until they entered Kindergarten. They thrive in school, graduate HS and go on to do very well.  They speak proper English, they do not address people as “Bro” or “Man” and they can write a full paragraph. 

Perhaps the families are to blame?  Education does not seem to be a priority with so many Hispanic families.  I’m not saying they are not loving families; simply that education is not the focus.  This nonchalant attitude towards education then passes down the line and therefore doesn’t improve.  It doesn’t matter how much a teacher does before or after school to assist ANY learner when the home front is not supporting the school system (homework, practice, reading for pleasure, modeling good educational behaviors, holding children accountable etc).

There are several S. American countries that value education and we rarely have a problem getting these students to perform well, but the flip side holds many Hispanic cultures that do not revere education.  It’s very telling what cultures they are when you enter Miami.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 5:20 PM

Blackford Oakes says:

Que barbaridad !

Peeps too sensitive in here.

Don’t care who’s hurt. All points are spot on.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 6:03 PM

John says:

Have you ever heard of people having “common courtesy”?. This does not exist in Miami. Worst city in North America.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 6:03 PM

PHB says:

I recently moved here from boston. Are you kidding me? When I hear people saying Bostonians are rude or bad drivers… You need to come to miami! I find this article true to the last dot on the last sentence!

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 8:10 PM

mickeysix says:

sorry, but if you can’t laugh at yourself and where you live, no matter where it is, you need to grow up and get some real confidence in yourself.  reading these comments i picture a robot going:

DETECTING SENSE OF HUMOR
SENSE OF HUMOR DETECTION FAILED
CHANCE OF RECOVERY: 0%
ABORT MISSION

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 8:43 PM

Marcy says:

Matt, considering you write for Miami411, I assume you’ve never had the pleasure of interacting with the writers at the Miami Herald (whom I can assure you, all read). Also, as a writer who contributes to Cosmopolitan magazine (yeah, I did some research on you bud) I find it hypocritical that you call Miami people dumb, when you write for one of the nations trashiest magazines. And finally, salaries in Miami are not all equal to that of a writer, such as yours or mine. And before I go on, let me remind you, that you would be making the same amount, or less, in NYC, but the difference is that you’d be sharing a place in Brooklyn with 4 other people. And finally, any big city has “dumb” or uneducated people. That doesn’t mean you need to converse with them solely. We have THE best eye institute in the country, some of the beat neurosurgeons (patients get flown over from other countries to be operated on by them), and one of the best county hospitals. Im sorry you’ve missed all this. But let me tell you something, you’re going to need to smarten up before any of these people want to waste their time with someone whose literally looked at Miami through the bottom of a Coke bottle.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 8:52 PM

Golden Panther in the Midwest says:

This gave me a good laugh, although if I didn’t also speak sarcasm, I’d be pissed. I grew up in Ft. Lauderdale, had the pleasure of spending my college years in Miami at FIU (you know, the REAL University of Miami) and have spent the past two and a half years out of state for grad school (so much for dumb Miamians, huh?). And guess what? I’m counting down the days until I get to move back to Miami! Miami is a jungle, we’re all competitive, we will do WHATEVER it takes to get by…in style (because it’s none of your damn business how I got my car) and unless you’re signing our paychecks, we do what WE WANT (even if it means cancelling dinner plans with your lame ass). I’m done ranting, I have a dissertation proposal to work on. I hope this crybaby isn’t still polluting the Miami smog with his dull presence.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 8:53 PM

Jess says:

Whoever wrote this in the comments: “Miami is the Tropical Latino version of The Jersey Shore”... HILARIOUS!!!

Also, to quote an earlier comment, I thought you needed a sense of humor to live in the 305? I guess some people have forgotten that, lol.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 8:59 PM

Blanco says:

Aaaaah Miami, where dreams go to die. Slice that turd off of the bottom of the state and let it float back to Cuba. Hopefully it will sink on the way there.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 9:12 PM

Elisa says:

Golden: You sound pissed in spite of having a sense of humor.  Of course there are all types in Miami just as there are all types in LA, NY, Chicago, etc, but it’s much more apparent in this little town.  Honestly, there are much more embarrassments than proud moments for our city.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 9:35 PM

Miami says:

LP, “specially” is a word.  Check the English dictionary.  You must be one of those brilliant intellects who fled horrendous Miami.  Might want to check your facts before you decide all on your own what is a word or not and actually post it online.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 10:09 PM

Miami. The land of lower standards. says:

Ah Miami.

Where the persons of below average intellect and skills go to feel normal.

Maybe it’s just a coincidence that most of the pro-Miami comments on here have the worst grammar and spelling.

If you’re not Latin, and you value education and enjoy real diversity (as in, people that speak anything other than Spanish) then this is NOT the place for you.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 10:18 PM

Bro... says:

... Stop talking sh$% nigga or I’ma knock yo ass

Nah dawg this is BULLS&%$ BRO! Miamians are the dopest papi chulos ever! Just cuz yall cant rock the look or mack to mad hoes you gotta hate on the best city in the world. you snobs think edacation is so important or like you have good maners yourselfs. Yall just dont know! Men are men and woman are woman here. People know how to party and if you dont like the Cuban dominated culture, then go somewhere else.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 10:28 PM

made in America with Cuban parts says:

Actually “Miami”,  “hope you move” used the word SPECIALLY incorrectly. For example:
“This vitamin is SPECIALLY formulated for children”.  OR “Cemetaries are creepy; ESPECIALLY at midnight”. I can’t tell you how many times I hear this from people that I went to elementary, junior high then high school with. I know they grew up in America, because I went to school with them!

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 10:59 PM

chauncey says:

what makes this article so funny is that there is quite a bit of truth in it.  at the same time, there’s something that annoys me more than everything on this list. it’s all the damn ny transplants that move here and complain about how much they hate it. the weather is great and there are tons of hot, easy woman.  that’s enough for me.

Posted on 03/09/2013 at 11:03 PM

HG says:

I’m Cuban-American, I’m a Miami native, and thank you Matt Meltzer, for bursting the bubble of all these DIMSWITS who are hating on this board. This is the truth people! Suck it. I live in Los Angeles now, and while it has many big city problems, the brightest people in the city aren’t hard-headed, no book-reading, $h!t talkers whose view of the world is NARROW. By the way, why is it everytime I come home for X-mas and go to a gym around my parent’s house in Kendall, all the young people, b/w 18-30 talk in Cubanaso? Aren’t us second generationers suppoed to be talking English by now? Que bola? Why don’t you visit Cuba first Cubiche, before you try to talk like one! PS- I CRAP on conservative Cubans. Know Nothings!

Posted on 03/10/2013 at 3:06 AM

Luis says:

The articles was hilarious and on point!!!!  But what is funnier to me was how others took it…. I am cuban born, came when i was 6 via Spain.  Lived through the riots in 81’. My family lived on 1st Street and 1st Ave and I went to Doughlas and Riverside Elemantary in Little Havana.  It was a bad time.  I really can say that the best times in Miami were the 1990’s.  I lived and worked in South Beach for 5 years.  in 2008 I decided to move my family out of Miami, because I could no longer stand being around idiots, ignorant people, rude people, hurricanes, flakes, fake friends, chest pumping people, etc you name it…  Though i must say I had some of those traits..I was so blinded by the city that thought I was normal….I must tell all of those who got offended…get out of the denial mode..it is totally true.  I now live in NC…And I know realized how stupid I once was.  All I have to say to you guys is: HUMBLE YOURSELVES… The day you die, no club, no bling, no nice cars, are going to go with you…  So when I ever I go visit my old lady in Hialeah Gardens..whoosh, I cringe.    Love you Miami!!! Just as long as your a weekend getaway.

Posted on 03/10/2013 at 7:51 AM

Blackford Oakes says:

If you can’t laugh, bitch or complain about your city, you probably live in Mayberry R.F.D. or have your head in a ditch missing out on what’s really happening.

Pointing out defects of where you live is the first step necessary to improve it. If you’re going to get upset about a sarcastic piece, you’re probably the complacent one’s who don’t vote and invite one of the most non-functioning corrupt cities in the nation to carry-on.

By choice, I don’t live in Miami full-time and call the CFL woods my home. Enjoy it enough while I’m there. I leave town before the BS starts to creep in.

Posted on 03/10/2013 at 9:19 AM

Miss Chardonnay says:

Very good article. But you forgot to add that you have to have a lot of patience when the ladies with the cell phone at the ear try to park her husbands HummerH2 or Escalade in a small parking lot and would never stop talking for the moment and prefer to nerve other car drivers! Miamis Super Woman sometimes behave as they are the only persons in the world or the most important.

And i have never seen so much BAD plastic surgery.

Posted on 03/10/2013 at 9:38 AM

Heloisa says:

This is probably written by an american who never lived outside of the US to see how is to live in another country. Miami is the BEST place to live in the world, go ask people on the streets and write your statistics. Miami has the best weather, diversified people, cultural places to visit, beautiful beaches, restaurants, shopping and It doesn’t snow.

People speak many languages on the streets (everybody knows more than just english) and you can learn a lot with everybody. What’s the problem about cubans? we all should be proud of them who lived in slavery and had a chance to move to a 1st world country.

Posted on 03/10/2013 at 10:35 AM

NAJ says:

We all came from different part of the World in America, that’s why America is great.  But I am sorry to say that a particular ethnic group made Miami as the Closest Foreign Country to the USA.  In the East we Have huge ethnic communities who made New York even greater, in the West we had Mexicans who labored very hard.  But I am sad to say Cubans have given a bad reputation to Miami as a “Banana Republic” in the Southeast of USA.

Lets Speak in general public the language in which constitution was written, lets obey our traffic laws, moreover lets put the end to fraud like Medicaid, welfare and food stamps.

Posted on 03/10/2013 at 11:11 AM

Carlita says:

Hilarious!!! AND SOOOOO TRUE!!!

Posted on 03/10/2013 at 12:02 PM

yasmine says:

written as a joke or not..its insulting.. I’m not latin or from Miami…but I love it here..

Posted on 03/10/2013 at 6:42 PM

Yes, I live in Miami says:

1- Jobs are scarce.- Yes.
2- You have to drive like a maniac.- Don’t HAVE TO, but point taken.
3- Nothing runs on time. -Correct, we’re not in a hurry.
4 to 10- ...Your Miami experience really sucked, good, you deserve it!
11- We A/C everything.- Yes idiot, because it’s HOT.
12 to 20- Nothing wrong with the city, IT’S YOU.
21- ...Miamians laughing at this ARE dumb, not the rest of us.
22 to 25- More childish, idiotic comments.

Poor guy, his dick never grew to normal size and ended up as a columnist for an unknown magazine.

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 12:25 AM

Angel C. says:

Hi, I came from South America asked for my family in a resident status and I always had the idea Miami was a nice city. And it is actually, especially for the weather, the beautiful beaches, etc.. However, I did notice one thing in all these 6 years living here.

The balseros are the people who “se cagan” this city. U really feel offended having to work under the orders of someone who was a “comemierda” in Cuba, and they think here in the U.S. are a superior race, and are going with that attitude that everything in this world is due for them.

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 8:42 AM

Brian C says:

I guess this is supposed to be funny and cheeky, but it’s mostly just stupid and irrelevant. At least half of what you say is completely wrong. You get what you give, so I think this is more of a commentary about the author’s own sad life than anything else.

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 8:47 AM

Angel C says:

Miamians Cuban descendant are so ignorant that they call themselves “Cuban-American” even when they were born and raised here. It’s AMERICAN idiots!

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 8:48 AM

Nunya says:

#3 - Nothing runs on time. Yes! For all of you people that go to parties or events and show up late. Event starts at 8 pm and ends at 2 am. People “running late” get there by 12:30 am. Oh i’m sorry i’m running on cuban time. You’re a poor excuse for a human being. You don’t show up to work 4 hours late do you? It’s not the same but if someone was expecting you to be somewhere why fuck should I have to wait because you have poor planning skills?!?!

I’ve had to tell people to be somewhere 2 hours BEFORE something has started without them knowing the actual time. That pissed me off so much I stopped hanging out with them.

People also think this is north cuba. We’re still in AMERICA. You don’t like it it FUCK OFF and go back to CUBA or where you came from.

It’s also pretty sad for someone like my self who doesnt speak spanish that of the jobs have to be bilingual.

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 10:08 AM

CJ Field says:

I absolutely LOVE this article, and having lived seven years in Miami before I was able to make my escape, I can say the one good thing about Miami is when you can only see it in your rear view mirror.  Nothing about the climate or geography makes it worth putting up with the shallow, sleazy, greedy, self-impressed, boring losers who have pretty much taken over.  Until you escape and live somewhere else, you can’t fully appreciate what a really lousy city it is.  This may be the first honest and accurate appraisal I have ever read of South Florida.  Bravo!!

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 11:15 AM

Albert Gonzalez says:

it’s sad but true. everything he said is all true. I was born in raised in Miami Florida. I’m 35 years old. and I love the fact and I hate the fact that I’m from Miami. Miami is 1 of the most beautiful places on earth, and will the most messed up places on earth or the same time. but my favorite thing about Miami Florida’s this, in Miami you can wake up on the East Coast and watch the sunrise. and then tried to the west coast and watch the Sun set, all the same day. I think the only place United States you can do that.

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 11:31 AM

Jill says:

26.  Insurance and insurance rates - homeowners, flood, storm, wind, car, etc.  They are all HIGH, HIGH, HIGH!!!!

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 12:04 PM

Lucy says:

This is the most brilliant article I’ve read in a while!!! My sentiments exactly!!!

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 12:20 PM

Gus Vergara says:

Nice article / mostly true, I’m sure the list is bigger than that. I’m a local. 31 years old and I read books btw. Most of this is pretty true though except when I say I can get you into a club, I can lol

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 1:35 PM

Don says:

Saying Miami is not diverse is absoultely wrong. Unless you group pepole together based only on their native language.  You seem to gereralize and simplify so much, i wonder if you biased against people who are not like you, or just lazy.  A list could have been made like this wiht more insight and less demeaning and probably been funnier.

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 4:29 PM

Me, myself and I says:

I am rican, I am American by birth and don’t have to speak english to be call american. Fourteen years in NY and 18 in TX, then the company I work for relocated me to Miami. After thirteen years in Miami I can understand what the writer is trying to state. I love Miami as o love NY and TX. And the list can be used all over the USA. I love Miami and feel good in any place because I love the good of every culture. You can find good and bad anywhere. So, if you want to have fun find it if you want to be bitter so be it.

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 5:13 PM

alexis says:

born and raised in miami- all of my childhood friends who also were raised in miami, have degrees and read and have successful careers. partially funny article but not so true. The same flakes and idiots and non readers are the ones running bottle service, not the real people who live here too. I have such a diverse group of friends that they represent about 30 different countries. no one moves fast because, incase you forgot, people still retire to florida and they are OLD! OLD people are slow!!! and no we are not in a hurry. To wrap this up, my 2012 Lexus convertible is purchased not leased, i dont speak spanish, and I never plan on moving. never.

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 5:41 PM

Been here 7 1/2 years and currently interviewing t says:

Not much for me to say because it appears that a lot of responders said it all.  But Americans have an expression that says “A Hit Dog Will Holler”.  Well all of these people who are offended are upset because a lot of this satire resonated with them.  Stuff is only funny if it is accurate.  Thus why the best comedians are usually both intelligent and socially aware.  Not sure about Miamians being the dumbest but since this city does not have the jobs or commerce (other than tourism) to attract more people like myself (formally educated in the northeast), it will never get more intellectual than it is.  Persons holding a bachelor’s degree is about 12% of the population here whereas it is a much larger percentage in other major cities in the U.S.  That could be fairly accurate.

Did someone say they moved away to Tallahassee?  Like that counts as being exposed to some place else?  LOL

Susanna should stick to Spanish because her English response was not grammatically correct at all.

Did someone say “most people are bilingual’.  No bro.  You mean, they speak Spanish and broken English.  That does not count as bilingual.  I have a friend who is a principal here and she told me that the majority of her Latin students graduate without being 100% proficient in English or Spanish.

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 6:52 PM

Spectacular Sunsets says:

Article is funny, interesting with many true points but also misleading for many people who are really considering moving or living here. You can complain about life, work, neighbors everywhere - NYC, SF, LA, Paris, London… Being happy where you live is really your choice and how you take advantage of the place where you live. Matt reminds me of neighbor next door in condo where I live. Early in the morning I go to the beach to run, swim, bike or paddleboard and watch spectacular sunrise. I am getting back in my apt at 8:30am energized, ready to work, loving the day ahead. My neighbor (maybe Matt, who knows) is in same time crawling out from his apt, bitching: I can’t stand it anymore, it’s so hot, it’s humid. I feel sorry for him. He is surrounded with so many awesome, spectacular, magnificent things and can’t see them or enjoy. Open your eyes Matt, talk w/ people who are having time of their life living here and write another article ‘100 things to have a blast in Miami’ (not counting clubbing, drugs, Ocean Dr restaurants etc). Hasta la vista wink

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 8:50 PM

The Experimenter says:

Another transient friend of mine has the perfect expression - “South Florida is an experiment to see how long warm weather makes “bullshit” okay.  LOL It always resonates with people who are trying to get the hell out.  Spectacular sunset is correct.  Every city has pluses and minuses.  But what I find interesting is when I tell people about my plans to leave, they ALL say the same thing:  “But the weather. . . “.  It’s sad that that is the first thing and often the “only” thing Floridians can come up with as a redeeming quality to living here.

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 10:31 PM

305 says:

Tamaño de imbécil! Este tipo se queja de que la gente no lee y en la próxima oración se queja de que sabe un sólo idioma. Aparentemente sus temas favoritos de lectura requieren cero aprendizaje. Algo te mantiene aquí. El día que te vallas tratarás de ganarte la vida insultando a otros en otros lugares hasta que sea obvio que el único que no encaja en ningún lugar eres tú, que el único que pasa la vida quejándose eres tu.
If you are having trouble reading what I just wrote I suggest you don’t translate it with Google, don’t pass it along to a friend to translate it for you, instead: pick up a book you idiot!

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 10:53 PM

Former Miamian says:

I was born and raised in Miami, parents are Cuban and moved when I was 26.  The one thing I noticed in all these comments was the people that have left Miami and experience something different, all liked the article and thought it was funny and accurate.  The ones that still live in Miami hated it, took offense to it, and didn’t see the humor in it.  Let me tell you this article is pretty spot on.

Posted on 03/11/2013 at 11:30 PM

Wendy B Webb says:

This article is so douchy. And to the readers who loved this article so much GTFO.

Posted on 03/12/2013 at 5:57 AM

Take 95 North Loser says:

Take 95 North back to wherever you came from DB, we don’t need you. I’m a miami native who loves all the water has to offer on the weekend (world class fishing, paddleboarding, kiteboarding, diving), who hasn’t lived at home since right after college and whose big circle of native Miamians is considerably educated and affluent.

Posted on 03/12/2013 at 8:59 AM

nunya says:

This is hilarious and very true!

Posted on 03/12/2013 at 9:37 AM

Midwest to Miami says:

Come on all you nay-sayers!  Have a sense of humor!  In all honestly, Miami is it’s own kind of animal that does not resemble anything close to the rest of the country, which is great, but hard to get used to if you’re not from here.  This article is very funny, so don’t take it personally. If you’ve been born and raised in Miami, then I suggest spending at least 6 months outside of Miami so that you can appreciate this article and laugh yourself silly.

Posted on 03/12/2013 at 9:52 AM

Daniel Gonzalez says:

Born & raised in Miami, traveled to different countries, speak English, Italian, Portuguese, and Spanish. I can only agree with about 40% of this article. I have met some of the most intellectual people at the beach. In Miami you can find some of the hottest people in the world. Great diversity of delicious food. I love Miami until I die.

Posted on 03/12/2013 at 10:48 AM

Ariel says:

The article is hilarious and not meant to be taken as statistical data. The author obviously exaggerates for entertainment purposes. But as someone who has lived in Miami for 25 years, in areas spanning from Hialeah to Kendall, I can attest that these statements are based on truths. Any real Miami native knows that everyone is not dumb but a heck of a lot of people sure are. People are horrible drivers (generally), and insurance premiums are exorbitant (health, car, and home). Corruption and illegal business practices are the norm (how else can my “ref” neighbors afford a Maserati?) *for those non Miami natives “ref” is short for refugee especially of Cuban descent. For those of you who are so easily offended “re-lax” and “teikirisi”.

Posted on 03/12/2013 at 11:16 AM

Jibjab says:

What you described was any college town in the US. I bet your the one who wears popped collar polo’s and/or skinny jeans here you tool.

Posted on 03/12/2013 at 2:01 PM

Americanguy says:

Ive lived in Miami for 4 years, and can say that every single reason is true. People who think otherwise need to venture out of this city.

Posted on 03/12/2013 at 7:23 PM

LMBCLT says:

Love Miami but Can’t Live There

I’ve kept reading the comments to this article because I found them funny. However, I think there is a lesson to be learned here to all those that claim that ALL Cubans are at fault for what has happened to Miami. For those who are not aware, and apparently there are a larger than expected number of you, there are different generations of Cubans that have arrived in Miami with an entirely different view of themselves and of others. As a child of 1950’s Cuban immigrants, they were highly educated, living in low income housing when they arrived, and worked hard to get back to the middle-class lifestyle they were accustomed to before being exiled from their homeland. Yes, we call ourselves Cuban-Americans to preserve our culture and to not forget where we came from. I have since educated myself (3 degrees later) and moved from Miami and can value what the first generation of Cuban immigrants accomplished. They built Miami from the sleepy Southern small town that it was.

Many years later and numerous immigrant groups later, many of the “new” Cubans coming over now (my extended family included) are not nearly as hard working since they have only lived under Communist rule with no real drive to accomplish anything. Everything is supposedly provided for them and there’s not much of it. They only thing they know how to do is to survive by any means necessary. This translates to a huge culture shock and the “sleazy” nature of this generation of “balseros.”
Having been born and raised in Miami (over 40 years), I have seen the “transformation” of the Miami that used to be to the Miami that it has become, and it’s not just the “new” Cubans that have made it a cesspool. There are a large number a Euro Trash that have come to make money on investments that have no real interest in contributing to the communities that have stayed here because this is there home. Places like Miami Beach have been taken over by investors and tourists that have driven out the real communities there. I’m not suggesting that tourism is not a godsend for the local economy, but it can also be the devil in disguise. Let us all be a little more educated and agree that there are many different immigrant groups and other factors that have shaped what Miami is today.

Posted on 03/13/2013 at 8:58 AM

SOM says:

I was born in Miami in the 70’s….grew up there…family ran two major businesses there . seen everything changed with the Mariel Boat lift and the influx of illegal immigrants….that call themselves political refugees. Miami is horrible now….this article is a correct reflection and the writer could have stated 100 or more reasons. I am a college educated person with two decades of experience yet could not get a job because I am not bilingual or related to some ref.

I say after rescuing my family and friends still stuck there family…nuke the place and start over

Posted on 03/13/2013 at 9:31 AM

Angel C says:

For those comments of “broken English” are really unfair since English education is not for free in the U.S. and that stop a lot of people going to a Miami Dade College and others. Some people have to have two jobs so they can’t go to a nocturnal shift to finish his English education.  I finished my ESL (English for adults) and I could do it thanks because I was being supported by parents but not everybody is that lucky, not to mention English education in Miami has really poorly standards and most professors speak Spanish in the middle of the classes ganging up with the Cuban clique. However,  the saddest thing is that once you finish your ES, there is not simply social interaction to practice with. I still am practicing English ONLINE in chat rooms after 6 YEARS!, since most people don’t want to speak English here. That’s ridiculous, not to mention I am not able to get a job because they want you to be fluent like a native. NO way!

Posted on 03/13/2013 at 12:01 PM

Matt Meltzer says:

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR LOVELY COMMENTS!!!

Just so everyone knows I actually do stil LIVE in Miami. And don’t plan on leaving. But if you can’t admit things that are wrong with your city, you’re living in a dream world.

Posted on 03/13/2013 at 12:51 PM

Rooo says:

Bro, just move to Broward, Dog!

Posted on 03/13/2013 at 3:42 PM

Josette Fernandez says:

They say the people make the City. That said, Miami does suck from the transient people/businesses that come by to pimp the city and culture to the very “leaders” that run it. This City wasn’t built on anything substantial or sustainable and unless you’re in it for the flash and/or for a quick buck Miami is poverty stricken at the Soul. And while that’s a general statement being that there are exceptions and people who have, attempted, or attempt to change the Landscape (Kudos to you all), the reality is that Miami has evolved into the epitome of Mainstream Society.

It’s a Sad & Unfortunate ugly truth to a Beautiful Backdrop (minus the mosquitoes, humidity, and impending seasonal hurricanes).

Posted on 03/13/2013 at 9:22 PM

Happy Miamian says:

This is not entirely true… Miami is so much more that that. Looks like this pal is one of those up-north rejects that came down to Miami trying to experience “la vida loca” but was rejected here too… Some things are true, some are not.  Miami is a nice town. And I guarantee you that it is more fun and interesting than your 4,500-people little Indiana town… Loser!

Posted on 03/15/2013 at 8:12 AM

Article truth says:

I’m originally from a big city in Virginia - where please and thank you’s are always mentioned. I moved here over 10 years ago, and can tell you, this article is COMPLETELY true. For anyone above who says its not…you’re who they are talking about in this article.  It’s absolutely true that this city is all smoke and mirrors, and everyone is FAKE. The only thing women and men care about is what designer bag they have, or how many diamonds are on their Rolex, or how big the ring on their finger is, and what AMG or M series BMW or Mercedes they drive. People here are SO entitled it makes me sick. Even 13 year olds think they are the S**T, and guess what their parents tell them they are, and allow them to get away with whatever they want. RUDENESS is an understatement. Don’t expect a stranger to say thank you if you do something nice for them, they act like your supposed to do that, again entitlement. People have no clue how to drive. When the speed limit is 45…expect to go 35 or slower. You will get in an accident if you are here more than a week…and even though you carry insurance, they jerk who hit you will not. So just expect that you are screwed no matter what.  This really is the most accurate article about Miami I’ve ever read!

Posted on 03/15/2013 at 10:15 AM

Blackford Oakes says:

The only thing I’ll dispute with Matt is still he prefers Miami over Los Angeles and Newport Beach.

I’ve noticed some here have tried to disparage him, linking him to places you might feel as inferior.

He’s another homeboy from California.

Posted on 03/15/2013 at 4:14 PM

Anna says:

You define Miami ? What defines you ???
This article is not only negative, but also racist.
And YES!! Miami is the Gateway to the Americas , if you didn’t know. It’s population is mostly Hispanic ! And yes you knew this before arriving here with your 5 suitcases and $100 dollars in your pocket.
Hispanics are the “fastest growing minority in US” and this City is what it is today because of this growing minority.
Some facts you forgot to mention in your article , 1 in 6 Americans is Hispanic.
Please go back to we’re you came from , because the truth is that you are also a product of some kind of immigrant, from somewhere in the world. Each state in the US has a percentage if immigrants, inflow if immigrants, outflow if immigrants and other measures which contribute to representing the diverse cultures of the world.
You think Miami is a toilet? Try moving to any Country In jobless Europe today, they are actually moving to the Middle East and Latin America were economy is booming .
When you understand that we are all citizens of the world , you’ll understand we all live in the same god damn planet , and besides all apparent differences, we are just like each other and we need each other.
And for that comment about people being un cultured and unread in Miami , you probably were hanging out with the wrong crown during your stay in Miami ,I’ve lived here 27 years, and travelled the world 3 times, my circle of friends who were transplants or Miami born , have college degrees, master degrees and very good jobs!  YES here I’m Miami !!
Don’t come back to Miami if you aren’t intelligent enough to understand that this is a Hispanic city, that you NEED to master the language in order to survive, unless you are serving drinks somewhere on the beach. Might help you to know, that Spanish was the first European language to be spoken in North America , and today, the US is the 5th largest Spanish-speaking country in d world.
People like you should be removed from our community, we need people that are pro helping mold mutually satisfying relationships based on common understanding, respect and purpose.
Conclusion , being a Miami resident I do acknowledge , there is good and bad, so does every other City in the world, but for sure the good weighs out the bad.
Some good reasons to live in Miami:
1. Amazing weather. The beach is our front yard, and the Everglades Our backyard.
2. Topless sunbathing is legal, and its not a big deal
3. Dressing for a few cold days means wearing a hoody with your flip flops
4. Cuban food is more authentic than the food in Cuba. Not to mention we also have some of the best restaurants in the world.
5. Everything and anything is possible in Miami.
6. Art Bassell and the book fair back to back.
7. Miami has some of the cleanest air in the nation with the Gulf Stream
8. Diversity
I love my City, and every time I leave, I always want to come back home !!

Posted on 03/16/2013 at 12:44 PM

Lisette says:

Ha ha ha…Anna has her panties in a bunch.  Listen, it’s called humor.  Get over yourselves!!!  I’ve lived here all my life, have a Master’s degree, speak 3 languages, drive like a bat out of hell, have been known to go to a club and yet I find this hilarious.  Look around you!  Most of Miami is THIS EXACT ARTICLE and it sucks sometimes.  If you can’t laugh at it then you will die young due to stress.

Posted on 03/16/2013 at 4:57 PM

Rick says:

The Ricky Ricardos made Miami.

The current generation Cubans don’t speak Spanish. They speak Cubanaso- the ebonics version. They neither speak good Spanish or good English. It’s sad that they grow up with 2 languages, and still can’t get either one right.

Sweating at night is NOT good weather. It’s TOO HUMID. Never mind the little gnats and bugs and mosquitos that eat you alive and stick to all your sweaty pores.

Miami is not a Spanish city- it is an American city, that ignorant Latins have ruined.

No one here is racist against Hispanics- The Cubans of yesterday were sophisticated, classy, educated people like Ricky Ricardo. -They’re gone now. Now Miami is full of shaved headed, fake diamond earring wearing D-bags who think Pit Bull is talented, and wear sunglasses indoors while pretending they’re gangsters. The Marielitos have ruined it.

A book fair for a week out of a year in a very small neighborhood still does not dismiss the fact that 90 percent of residents there have never seen the inside of a book in the last 10 years. A small circle of educated friends is NOT the majority of the city.

Most south American countries pretty much speak the same language, are Catholic, eat rice and beans, listen to a very similar type of music, reinforce the same archaic gender stereotypes, encourage girls to get married and pop out babies asap, are extremely homophobic and don’t really promote education. -I wouldn’t call that diverse at all. Just because someone grew up in a neighboring country with a different name, or listens to rhythmic music with a -slightly- different beat does not make them unique.

The Everglades are bug and mosquito infested swamplands, with nothing to see but a bunch of skinny ugly trees popping out of rank water. Miami is flat, with nothing to see other than the beach. No pretty trees, no hills, no mountains, no incredible landscapes. Just beach. Did I mention you’ll be sticky and greasy and drench in sweat withing 5 minutes of leaving your front door? That’s not exactly sexy- and I’m talking at night.

Cuban food is shitty. If it’s not deep fried or batter dipped, it’s just gonna be more beef or chicken, with rice and beans and sauces you can find anywhere. Trust me- it doesn’t take an expert chef to make that stuff.

Complete nudity is allowed everywhere in many parts of California- even walking down the street. Big deal.

People really are dumb compared to the average citizen. Probably largely due to the misogynist culture. “Men are men, and women are women” means not allowing young Cuban men to learn how to cook, clean, do laundry or pay bills- but they sure can change a tire. The reinforced gender roles ensure that each person is only half of what they could be- so that they need to rely on the opposite sex to do what a single average person can do in other parts of the country. Yes, it’s normal for guy’s in their 30’s to still live at home with mom and dad. They use the excuse that “they are close to and love their family”. Trust me- it’s because they’re dumb. It’s kinda like the joke, “how many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” In Miami- more than most.

Everything is NOT possible in Miami. It’s not possible to have more than one wardrobe. Got a massive closet? Just fill it up with bathing suits shorts and tees. Forget about wearing anything nice or classy. It’s not possible to find sophistication and intelligence everywhere you go. It’s not possible to get out of the heat anywhere outdoors. (The infrastructure sucks- plenty of parks that NO ONE uses, because the geniuses running the city don’t put shades out anywhere- not even at bus stops.) It is possible to find cocaine every where you go.. And you can tell plenty of people use it, by the shitty tweaker aggro attitudes you’ll find there.

I’m not surprised that ignorant people coming from a 3rd world communist dictatorship find Miami to be a paradise.. or persons from some other boondocky rednecky small town.. Anyone else who’s lived in a REAL city will hate it.

Posted on 03/16/2013 at 7:36 PM

D M says:

you forgot to mention the exotic pets in Miami that are different from the Northerners’ pets…like pythons and alligators coming in from the Everglades.

Posted on 03/17/2013 at 3:25 AM

John says:

Miami sucks. I lived there all of my life. I know live in Maggie Valley, N.C. where they have real people. You forgot to mention the raping, robbing, murderous street niggers or the Russian gangs that commit the contract killings. Miami was a wonderful place when I was young but the Mariel Cubans, Haitians and other undesirables made it hell on earth. I forgot to mention that I spent thirty years as a deputy with the Sheriff’s Department.

Posted on 03/17/2013 at 4:51 PM

This article is the truth! says:

Everything in this article is spot on. Especially number 1! I graduated approximately a year ago and I am still unemployed. There is no opportunity in Miami unless you aspire to work in the service industry (which I do not). Miami is simply not the place for a young man or woman to begin his/her career.

Miami is a horrendous city. Those from up north vacation in South Beach a week or two and immediately think Miami is the city for them!

Miami denizens are rude. Everyone screams and uses threats to get what they want. No one smiles or says thank you. Manners don’t exist in Miami. The living conditions are horrible. Rent in Miami is priced too high.

People are uneducated!  People in Miami are more concerned with clubbing and going to the beach than actually expanding their mind. There aren’t many book stores in Miami. No theater scene. No serious museum. Just clubs. About a month ago I decided to donate a large collection of my books in print (I have since converted to digital books) to the local library for young minds to enjoy and in doing so the librarian gave me the rudest look as if I was bothering him for donating my books to his library! Horrible.

Corruption is everywhere! Trust no one here. Everyone is playing games and trying to one-up each other.

Did I mention that people here are rude? Everyone! I suspect the rude behavior stems mostly from the high unemployment; people are just angry because they don’t have money.

Miami is only alive during the high tourist season (Winter Holiday season). That’s the only time people actually come down here. They party for one to two weeks. Then leave.

I wonder if those of you objecting to this article are relatively wealthy individuals living on South Beach in condos? South Beach if full of Ivy league school lawyers. The only people I know who actually enjoy Miami are rich people! Those of us who actually live in Miami (not South Beach) understand that Miami is not the place to be!

I’m making plans to leave this city, never to return!

Posted on 03/18/2013 at 11:42 AM

Blackford Oakes says:

I’d like to correct a misconception listed as fact on a recent post. Asians are the fastest growing segment of the population and not Hispanics.

Posted on 03/18/2013 at 4:50 PM

Meghan says:

I read…at the beach. Your argument is invalid.

Posted on 03/19/2013 at 3:56 PM

Gigi says:

This article is irrelevant. Your arguement is invalid & your writing is fucking shitty. 305 TILL I DIE.

Posted on 03/20/2013 at 7:39 PM

LATIN CUB says:

HAAAAAA AMAZING!!! Every time i read this i laugh…. every time i read the comments…. i laugh more….

Posted on 03/21/2013 at 10:51 AM

Anna says:

Rick, you are a complete moron!!
Let me educate you on some of the points you made on your comments;
1. Most South American Countries pretty much speak the same language ? are u retarded?? Every single Country in SA speaks Spanish. To the exception on one: Brazil !
Would you happen to know what language they speak ??........... Probably not !

2. Yes…....South Americans are unique . They respect family traditions, they are hard working people and polite, and Yes! Woman “pop” children ..... That’s what normal human beings do ! !!!!!

3. NO . .......... Not every SA Country eats the same food.
I suggest you go back to elementary / high school and educate your self on geography &  world history.
And when ever you can afford to do some travel, visit some of these Countries that you trash with your vulgar vocabulary, so you can understand the type of person that you are, and what a pathetic world you live in

Posted on 03/22/2013 at 12:05 AM

Raised in Miami says:

Hahahaha this article is hilarious!! Number 18 is especially true for me sadly. Come on guys! It’s pretty obvious the article is for entertainment purposes. I’ve lived in Miami most of my life so I can’t give an opinion on what living in other states is like, but even I can admit that some of this list is true (for myself and others that I am acquainted with)  and some of it is simply generalized opinion by the author of said article. I wouldn’t take it seriously.

Posted on 03/22/2013 at 8:20 PM

Frank Rodriguez says:

I don’t know how immigrants who are “not rich” and “will not” become rich soon, can afford to live in Miami.  The sad thing for immigrants who don’t speak English in the Greater-Miami area is that they can’t live where it’s more affordable to live because the farther you get from Miami the more English you have to know to get by.  So they immigrate from countries with a much lower cost of living to ultra-expensive South Florida with a few thousand pesos (a few hundred dollars) then begin a life of back-breaking drugery doing jobs in the swealtering heat that native-born Floridians cannot or will not do.  I guess they get paid more in Miami than they would in their native countries, but the difference in pay is not so great when you consider how much it costs to live in Miami and South Florida in general.  Miami is a 21st century ‘Song of the South’ except that instead of just black people working for little, you now have Hispanic immigrants as coolies taking whatever job they can get.

Posted on 03/24/2013 at 5:11 PM

Ricky says:

Frank R:  Do they immigrate or do they ILLEGALLY ENTER and or ILLEGALLY STAY? Not Cubans but the rest.  Just curious what your definition is.  My ancestors came here legally and jumped through many hoops to become an American citizen.

Posted on 03/24/2013 at 5:55 PM

Frank R. says:

Ricky, you missed the entire point of what I said.  I am not addressing the issue of legal or illegal immigration.  I am talking about the cost of living in South Florida compared to MOST countries in Latin America.  The majority of immigrants from Latin America arrive in ultra-expensive Miami with very little money in their pocket and since most jobs in Miami pay next-to-nothing compared to what it costs to live in Miami, I am wondering how in the world these newly arrived immigrants manage to afford to stay in South Florida.  I am not condemning Latin American immigrants.  My family is made up of Latin American immigrants.  Anyone who has spent at least one day in Miami knows how much things cost.  That’s why Florida has no state income tax.  If it did, there would be a mass exodus out of Florida.

Posted on 03/29/2013 at 1:49 PM

ML says:

To GIL who posted on 3/8/2013, and to those who think like him: Being a WHITE ANGLO does not mean you own this country. You massacred Native Americans who lived here and thought it was perfectly fine to gather the remaining few and give them a tiny piece of land where they were to remain for the rest of time. Everyone is entitled to their opinions but it is sad that many in the White, Anglo Saxon community have not yet realized that everyone is equal. Hispanics immigrate to Miami, yes, but at least they are not killing every white anglo that comes their way for a piece of land. Evolution is real, even accepted by the Catholic Church thanks to Pope John Paul II, so I hope that your mentality, as well as those who think like you with a sense of entitlement, goes through it in this lifetime. Sincerely, A PROUD AMERICAN and educated Miamian native, or “Miamense”.

Posted on 04/08/2013 at 12:43 AM

Deez Balls says:

I don’t know what is more amusing, this blog or the comments…  thanks all for the laughs!!!

Posted on 04/19/2013 at 12:16 PM

Frank R. says:

If you love insane traffic, frequent car accidents, hot humid weather, a high cost of living, a language barrier, low high school graduation rates, and total abject hopelessness then move to Miami.  The problem for people raised in Miami is that they will have trouble adapting to life outside their chaotic city, and they will be ill-equipped to deal with the higher expectations and standards they will encounter in the ‘rest’ of the United States.  Miami is a city that many Latin Americans immigrate to because they are tired of struggling in their even more financially-depressed native countries where robberies, rapes, and murders go unpunished. 

Make no mistake, Miami is not “the real” United States.  Mainstream Americans have told me they prefer to “bypass” Miami on the highway on their way to-and-from the more American, Florida Keys.  The local radio broadcasts from ‘more civilized’ Broward County (North of Miami) regularly has people call into talk shows to warn other educated, mainstream Americans about the danger and inconvenience of having to deal with “true Miami”, not Coral Gables or Miami Beach.

Miami Beach is American enough, but it’s just too damn expensive for most Americans, especially during what will be a 20-year recession like we’re experiencing now.  People who have lived all or most of their lives in Miami seem oblivious to the fact that they are paying a lot more for things than the rest of the country is.  Even low-income people think nothing of paying $20 cover charges at dive bars and $9 a bottle for domestic beer.  One word to summarize Miami is “uncomfortable”.

Posted on 04/20/2013 at 12:38 PM

Dawn says:

After reading this article! Why don’t people just stay where they were originally ethnically from, instead of transplanting to America, and overpopulating the United States!!!  Come visit our beautiful states, then go home, you don’t have to move in, so they don’t get trashed and filled up with crime!  Talking about transplants, immigrants are the transplants not the Americans that live here and want to move around within their own states!!!!!  HELLO!

Posted on 05/28/2013 at 12:44 PM

Dawn says:

And speak English, IF you choose to live here SPEAK IT!!!

Posted on 05/28/2013 at 12:49 PM

gigi says:

@Dawn are you serious? your ignorance is astonishing. Claiming people who migrate from other countries & those said immigrants trashing these states and filling it up with crime is ridiculous. Crime is going to take place anywhere you go. It’s inevitable. And excuse me, I completely forgot to mention that you are in no place to talk. I’m guessing you’re “American?” May I remind you what your lovely people did to the native Americans all those many many years ago? So you are in no place to call out an immigrant, say they bring in crime, when your pilgrim ass wiped out native Americans and spilled blood.

Posted on 05/29/2013 at 8:50 AM

Dawn says:

@Gigi, I am American, and I am very serious!!  And just to fill you in I have all kinds of friends from all kinds of ethnicity & love and consider them family, and have family of other ethnicity and we all respect and love each other!!!  But, just the same, I have watched these states go to crap from over population since I was a young child, and yes crime will be, but it has gotten worse from over populations!!! You can name call LOL, but that just shows less intelligence on your part, a conversation without is better!  But to each is own!  People migrating here and NOT wanting to do what it takes to live here.  Except for the exceptional few hard working that I have seen that want more out of life!!!  But most come here wanting everything for free, and live off the government and think they deserve it just because they made it here, and the American people suffer and pay higher and higher taxes because implants from other counties sneak in, get jobs under the table, get homes and have multiple families living in them and one in that household “might” be here legally and the rest not so much, they don’t really respect living here, just came here because they know they can get free money from the US government!  We don’t need drug and gun marketing being brought into this country and that being a large part of foreign marketing.  It is all over the news, just learning how to stop it, now that so many have transplanted here to help deal/sell them shore to land.  About blood shed, war is always going to be in history that is just how it is.  Foreigners are always trying come up with ways to attack our country everyday!!  As sad as it is, war is nothing new hon!  It is in history and on the news everyday, they have always wanted our land!!  That is why our military will always fight for it!!

Posted on 05/29/2013 at 12:45 PM

Miami is where below average people go to feel nor says:

I don’t care where you’re from, Miami is filled with morons. Sure, every city has it’s problems, but not in the same proportions Miami does. It does NOT compare to the average major city- it is way below the curve.

I see a lot of people get really defensive here when someone trash talks Miami. If you’re coming from some 3rd world country, I can see how you’d think Miami is a paradise, but it’s a shithole compared to any other major American city.

The first things anyone from a real city will notice is people are dumber, lazier and ruder in general compared to most other cities. Misogyny and homophobia run RAMPANT. They are cave men and cave women. They don’t understand how to use a book other than propping up a wobbly table. They don’t understand any type of music you can’t dance to, they don’t understand what professionalism is, or what good service is. Most bartenders have no idea how to make a proper drink- they think Long Island Ice Teas are supposed to be blue, and garnishes are for uppity white establishments. Taking employees aside to correct them doesn’t happen- everyone will know your business. Most bosses aren’t any more knowledgeable or competent than their employees, they likely got the job because they’re friends with someone, or the moron who hired them never asked them a single relevant question or checked a single resume, or they were hot. Customer service means pretending not to see you until they’re ready to deal with you. Class means having nice things and showing them off.
Those who get promoted are those who suck up best, talent, hard work and knowledge have very little value there. Yes, the beaches and water are great.

If you’re a beach bum or an avid scuba diver, snorkeler or boater, you -might- be able to tolerate all the garbage and being drenched in sweat 24/7, even at night.

Miami is an exercise in regression and a supreme demonstration of what happens when you dumb down a major city of millions. It is truly one of the most ignorant cities you will ever experience.. If you came from another 1st world city that is. If not, you might just love it.

Posted on 05/29/2013 at 4:17 PM

The saddest part is.. says:

..most people who love Miami actually think all those things listed above are actually normal..


They’re so clueless they don’t even realize how clueless they are.

Posted on 05/29/2013 at 4:24 PM

Miami: The Tropical Latino Jersey Shore says:

HAHAA HAAA HAAHAH HAAAAAA.

SO TRUE!!!

Posted on 05/29/2013 at 4:33 PM

Matt Meltzer says:

To the commenter from 4:17 p.m. on 5/29 -

I rarely respond to comments on this piece, but MAN you hit it head on. The thing is, Latin culture is more or less a generation or so behind ours when it comes to things like gender roles and culture. I think after another generation here it will get better. This Cuban generation (20s-early 40s) that was born here seems to get it much better than the last, and their children will be completely Americanized. But with so many immigants, it’s hard to pull people into the 21st century.

This is really the dumbest major city in America. Anyone who says otherwise, please tell me which one beats it out?

Posted on 05/29/2013 at 7:12 PM

2nd dumbest says:

Las Vegas is 1st.

Posted on 05/29/2013 at 8:49 PM

Frank R says:

The same thing that is happening in Miami is happening in a lot of major cities.  To save money young people go to college locally, and then they move out of the city to where the jobs actually are.  There is same discontent about the lack of jobs in Miami as there is anywhere else in America.  You over-educate yourself for the jobs that actually exist in your part of the country, so then you have to move to where the jobs are.  I have seen the great sadness and distress this has caused many native-Miami residents. I have seen this same negative phenomenon in other parts of the U.S.  It’s a game of musical chairs with “good jobs” that transcends any regional problem in Miami or any other U.S. city.  Yes, Miami is hot, crowded, and expensive, but so is Puerto Rico and that’s also a part of the U.S.

Posted on 06/26/2013 at 4:23 PM

Elaine says:

Miami is truly the dumbest city.  I know many 20 and 30 somethings that passed grammar and HS and I have no idea how???? They literally cannot form a proper sentence when they speak or write.  Customer service?  What does that mean down in Miami? 

I would never live there.  I don’t even like visiting there.  I feel sorry for all the products of that educational system.  Complete Fing nescient morons!  Even the private school kids are stupid.

Posted on 06/26/2013 at 5:02 PM

Jane says:

@Elaine you’re hilarious & ignorant.  BTW in my high school(I just graduated with Honors) we have some kids who not only got accepted(me amongst them) BUT are going(I’m ALSO amongst them) to be attending Brown, MIT, & Yale. Yes. Ivy League universities. Do the world a favor & PLEASE shut the fuck up. Just shut your trap. You’re the dumb idiot.

Posted on 06/28/2013 at 3:46 AM

Elaine is right says:

Jane, you are one of the rare few. She’s completely right.

Good for you that you love your city- mom’s love their retarded children too, but it still doesn’t make them less retarded. I spent 20 years in Miami. It’s dumb as shit, lazy as shit, and has the worst customer service in the country. It’s every bit as superficial as LA, and 10 times as ignorant.

Posted on 06/29/2013 at 5:30 AM

glad I left says:

Jane, your post proves that Elaine is correct. Your post is full of structural errors.  You may be have been accepted to attend an Ivy league institution, but you will have a rude awakening once you get there. I work with undergraduates at a prestigeous institution and incoming freshmen struggle with their writing and have to take a remedial writing course. I grew up in Miami, before the craziness, and agree that it has become unrecognizable, making it increasingly difficult for the “few” to get out!

Posted on 06/29/2013 at 10:33 AM

Elaine says:

Lol.  They took you on affirmative action quotas, but it’s good you’re leaving Miami.  Perhaps you will realize what a cesspool of crap Miami is compared to the rest of the world.

Glad I Left is correct: your first year will be hell.  You’ll be years behind the freshman, but if you ask for help, put extra time into your studies, and be kind instead of defensive I’m sure you’ll make it. 

I know it must be hard to hear these truths about your home, but it’s up to your generation to change them.  It’s truly a horrible place now.  The people there, including yourself as your post shows, are ignorant, rude, low class and they have a sense of entitlement. 

Going away to college is the one thing that will save you!

Posted on 06/29/2013 at 2:53 PM

Frank R says:

Miami seems to be cut off from the mainstream United States, but it is the fault of the local Latino Americans who continue to tolerate Spanish-only speaking employees to serve their ignorant Spanish-only speaking customers.  If someone is not learning English and assimilating, then they will clearly never “get with the program” and they will struggle to a greater degree than most Americans for as long as they remain unassimilated.  You would not believe how many people I have met in Miami who are stuck here because so few people outside of Miami-Dade County speak Spanish.  They are known as “Spanish-isolated.” 

If I struck a nerve and offended people here then good!  You know damn well that your Spanish-only speaking family and friends are stuck in Miami-Dade County.  No American citizen should ever be “expected” to know Spanish within the United States of America.  To the degree that Miami continues to be hostile to English speakers it will continue to lag behind the majority of other large U.S. cities.  I know Spanish, I just refuse to speak it because I will not accommodate the morons I see every day who don’t know English like they are supposed to.  Far too many people in Miami have been in the U.S. for over 10 years and they are still functionally illiterate in the English language.

Worse yet, many children who grow up in Spanish-only homes sound like they just got off the boat even though many of them were born in the U.S. 

Worse still is that far too many non-black, light-skinned Latino youths use the “N” word as if they were black.  I just saw a Latino idiot get beat up outside a Publix supermarket after he yelled out “Hey N-word!” to an American black teenager.  Many of the local Latinos are STILL not aware that African-Americans will not tolerate being called the N-word.  This is an example of how far too many Latino immigrants and their children are outside the loop of mainstream America.  They are literally prisoners of their own ignorance.

Posted on 07/03/2013 at 2:19 PM

glad I left says:

@Frank here, here!

Posted on 07/04/2013 at 11:19 AM

Chapina@CA says:

Wil, great insight and reading all the comments as well. I first fell in love with MIAMI WMC 2007 and go back every year…Your intro to the article I swear are words out of my own mouth.  I have been saying I want to move to MIAMI and have been reading alot of your articles…I can’t decide though if your being funny or cynical on your articles. I get the impression that you don’t like living in Miami? Can you post perhaps reasons an individual would want to move their like 25 reasons if you move here you would like it….Like Im Guetemalan and want to learn Spanish and Miami is a great way to have language immersion with out actually moving to Latin America…lol

Posted on 07/12/2013 at 2:20 PM

Matt Meltzer says:

You think you’re not actually moving to Latin America?? HA! Miami is, in every sense of the word, a Latin American city. It just happens to be in the United States. It is not at all an American City.

I like living here, but that’s because I’m used to it. But people come here for a week and “fall in love” and don’t realize a lot of shitty realities about living here. These are but 25 culled from a list I had of almost 50. I could do a sequel and it’d be just as good.

Insofar as why people would like it? Why the Hell would I want to do that? Traffic is bad enough.

Posted on 07/12/2013 at 2:24 PM

Frank R says:

Some American cities have pockets where languages other than English are spoken.  Miami is just the opposite.  It is an American city where the dominant language is Spanish with pockets of English speakers.  If you want to be around people who speak English in Miami then you have to go to English-speaking pockets like airport, the downtown area, Coral Gables, or Miami Beach.  Miami is one of the few places in the world where the street signs are in English, but English is not the dominant language of the area.

Posted on 07/15/2013 at 12:06 PM

Lizzie says:

I love this article.  I moved to a beautiful place McDonough Georgia, but desperately miss Homestead and south dade.  Where I live now there is almost zero crime, everyone you run into is super friendly and warm, the area s stunning, with no rundown neighborhoods at all, it has an excellent public school system, the majority of people are church going or synagog going good people, but there’s no pressure to religious.  The problem is I miss the warm weather and the beauty of Miami so much that I am very homesick.

Posted on 08/08/2013 at 1:54 PM

No night sweats says:

I don’t miss sweating at night ..feeling greasy 24/7.. being run off the road by angry aggro douchebaigs or the filth that is Hialeah. You can have Miami. I’m so done with it. Sure, the beach is nice.. too bad it’s only a very small part of the city. The rest of it is swamp and mosquito infested garbage.

Posted on 08/08/2013 at 2:14 PM

Lizzie says:

Ten years ago I had nothing good to say about Miami, now I miss it more than anything .
I know there are a lot of things wrong with it, but South Dade is beautiful and after living through a cold Georgia winter, I .appreciate the gorgeous warm weather in Miami

Posted on 08/09/2013 at 2:06 PM

Then go says:

Then go to Southern California…of course Miami seems better tham cold Georgia. Not much of a comparison..

Posted on 08/09/2013 at 2:44 PM

FrankR1 says:

Anywhere in Georgia is far more American than Miami.  As a mainstream American who is stuck in Miami until I find another job, I can tell you that once I leave here I will never come back, not even for a family funeral.  That’s how bad the city is.  I don’t know why the traffic is so bad when there are so few decent paying jobs.  This is one of those cities where a family of 10 packs into a tiny 1 bedroom apartment because the cost of living is so high.  When you add excessive rain, overbearing humidity, and year-round heat to the insane traffic, you realize that Miami is just plain uncomfortable.

Posted on 08/10/2013 at 9:50 PM

Because ... says:

Because most of the people there are refs.. ...or raised in a family with a ref mentality. They came from a 3rd world banana republic, so to them, ignorant Miami is a paradise.. And they confine themselves to Miami because it’s dumb-friendly, and they feel normal there.

Everywhere else in the U.S. has much higher standards, so they tend to find the rest of the U.S. “pretentious” or “snooty”. Other cities actually expect you to work for your wages, do the bare minimum, have some level of integrity, and at least speak very basic English.

Miami is the city of low standards.

Posted on 08/10/2013 at 10:01 PM

Lizzie says:

All I can say is that 10 years ago I was praying to get out of Miami, I called it a cesspool.  I couldn’t see one good thing about it, not one.  I took for granted how beautiful it is, and there are plenty of friendly people that I have met there.  l’d give anything not to feel like this because right now there IS no way for me to move back and I should be appreciating living in McDonough Georgia which is a beautiful area and has the friendliest people on the planet.  I’m just so terrified of the winter coming again here, its so cold(bone chilling) and a lot of the time in the winter its also dark and rainy.  I used to always complain about the heat in FL, and now I have the opposite and I would much rather be hot than freezing cold.  It was a hard lesson to learn.

Posted on 08/11/2013 at 11:20 AM

Lizzie says:

I also miss hearing Spanish being spoken and Latin radio stations playing from people’s cars.

Posted on 08/11/2013 at 11:24 AM

FrankR1 says:

You can come back to Miami whenever you want to.  Thousands of uninsured illegal alien motorists will be happy to crash into your car and then speed away from the scene.

Posted on 08/11/2013 at 3:04 PM

JumpingBean says:

That, That was beautiful.

Posted on 09/01/2013 at 4:33 PM

Too hot says:

Miami isn’t the only year round warm city in the U.S. In fact it’s actually way too damned hot and disgustingly humid.

Try southern California. Perfect weather year round- even better than Miami, people there actually still speak English, give decent customer service, and believe you actually have to move your ass and life a finger to get paid for your work, not just be good looking.

Fuck Miami. It’s for the ignorant, rude and lazy 3rd worlders who don’t want to improve themselves or learn anything new.

Posted on 09/01/2013 at 6:47 PM

Dumbasses says:

You’re just envious hillbillies. Go back to your shit-holes and don’t ever come back, you incestuous retards. You think you’re above us by doing nothing but working until you die and living in a cultureless society, but the joke is on you, because I know that soon you’ll be tempted to come back here when you’re buried so deep in snow that you’re not sure whether you’re having an erection or your dicks are just frostbitten. Everyone else in the world loves Miami and hates the rest of America because you are all bigots. Go suck a dick, you discriminating assholes. As for Southern California, the people are rude, conceited and have no topic of conversation aside from their Body Mass Index…and your beaches are a rocky piece of shit. As for ignorant, rude and lazy, who are you to talk? Take a walk on Venice Beach and then consult me, dumbass. Miami doesn’t need any of you or your trash talk.

Posted on 10/25/2013 at 2:35 AM

FrankR says:

The people who are “defending” Miami are the people who have never left Miami.  If Miami is all you have ever known, then go figure you would defend it, because you have never known anything else.  Miami has an “artificial economy” because prices are based on what the rich can afford to charge “each other.”  If you are not earning at least 6 figures, you will find Miami to be very expensive and uncomfortable.

Posted on 10/25/2013 at 11:16 AM

Untrue says:

FrankR: You are making the assumption that the people that are defending Miami have never left. Which is vastly untrue. I, for example, have lived in Arizona, California, Michigan, Alaska, and have even lived abroad in Europe and Asia, so it is wrong for you to assume that our judgement is clouded by not having gone anywhere else. I have seen the rest of the world and it pales in comparison to Miami. The people are nice, witty and friendly, great company, and very hardworking. You try moving from another country and starting anew and saying that the people of Miami are lazy and dumb. As for the economy, as any city that is highly visited, it is obvious that its economy is going to be largely based on tourism, but there are other aspects to the city that if you weren’t just glimpsing at its surface you would realize. And maybe you are living under a bridge and never got an education so you don’t have a decent job, but it is NOT expensive nor uncomfortable. As for the author of this article and others that are saying that this article is humorous and witty, you are idiots. Oscar Wilde is funny and witty, so is Tina Fey and David Sedaris. All this article and its consenting replies shows is the frustration of people who never accomplished anything in their lives and are envious of the carefree and happy lifestyle that is associated with Miami and its people. As for for the author, I’m sure you consider yourself a big shot for feeling you have the power to write such an article insulting this city and its locals. I’m sure your only accomplishment in life was getting an English degree and ending up writing as a second rate columnist whose job can be done by anyone. You are the type of people I was making fun of when I was in college because their major is a joke and all you did was party in frats and do keg stands and stumble hungover into your classes the next day to write a prose. That’s hard. I bet I can do your dumb job, but you can’t do mine. If this is your level of professionalism, you are an embarrassment to your profession and you should be fired. You are a despicable person.

Posted on 10/25/2013 at 1:05 PM

Matt Meltzer says:

Go for it there, carpediem. Shoot me an email and I’ll let you fill in for me for a week.

Sort of like the old adage, talk sense to a fool and he’ll call you a fool, tell a Miamian that Miamians are dumb and he’ll call you a moron. If there’s a dumber major city in America, I’d be interested so see what it is.

Posted on 10/27/2013 at 12:32 AM

FrankR1 says:

Whatever.  If you want to be uncomfortable go to Miami and stay for more than a week.

Posted on 10/29/2013 at 11:10 AM

Jules says:

I’ve been living in Miami for a year and change now and I understand where this guy is coming from. One thing to underscore is that there generalities can be applied to a lot places outside Miami so these characteristics are not exclusive to this particular location. However in terms of employment - yes -  typically employers underpay their workers and demand twice the work (if you’re lucky to find a job, and if you do, you wont be paid fairly).Typically you will find jobs in the fine dining or hospitality industry -  unless you are a really attractive stripper then you will make lots of cash here.  Also in terms of geography and demographics it would be help to understand the history of Miami - look there are a lot hispanics here yes just like you will find a lot jews and Eastern European immigrants. The truth of the matter is that no matter where you go you wont be 100% happy and if you are then stay there. The bottom line is this (and please listen to this part because I am currently going through this as we speak) it’s not the people, it’s not you not fitting here, IT’S ABOUT ALL MONEY. If you have a great job here or have money to spend then this place is amazing. If you’re broke don’t come here because youre gonna enjoy yourself. Now if you have no responsibilities and you dont mind going from hostel to hostel then be my guest (not pun intended). Money is gonna make or break your experience here. But anyway I am done - and the guy who wrote this is either really broke or has no social skills. Laters.

Posted on 11/08/2013 at 9:16 AM

Angel Osorio says:

Jules, I agree with all what you said except for the last part. Even the most gregarious and you give it all what you’ve got you will have a hard time trying to make friends here in Miami.

Posted on 11/08/2013 at 11:23 AM

Matt Meltzer says:

0-for-2 there, Jules. You know why this article did so well? Because it said a lot of stuff that Americans who move here are endlessly frustrated with and won’t say publicly because complaining often gets you labeled “racist.” (See comments above). There’s a reason people don’t stay here, and every Miami apologist I’ve ever run accross can never answer when I ask “If this place is so great then why is everyone always leaving?” And “they can’t hack it’ is a cop out.

Posted on 11/08/2013 at 2:52 PM

FrankR1 says:

It’s true that many “mainstream Americans” will not stay in Miami very long after moving here.  After all, Miami IS a “sanctuary city.”  Every sanctuary city in the U.S. whether it be McAllen, Texas, Cambridge, Massachusetts, or Miami, Florida will experience many social problems which affect the people who have a legal right to be in this country.  All of the entitlements that undocumented people receive drive up the cost of living, so of course sanctuary cities tend to be more expensive to live in than American cities that are less friendly to illegal aliens.

Posted on 11/11/2013 at 12:00 PM

Matt Meltzer says:

How is Camibrige a “sanctuary city?” Where are people coming from to go there?

Posted on 11/11/2013 at 4:57 PM

FrankR1 says:

Matt first of all this article is about Miami, Florida, not Cambridge, Massachusetts.  It is common knowledge that Cambridge is a sanctuary city.  I realize that Cambridge has Harvard and M.I.T., but it is in fact a sanctuary city.  Those intellectuals want their lawns mowed and their houses cleaned for the cheapest price possible so they welcome undocumented people.

Posted on 11/12/2013 at 10:16 AM

Jules says:

Frank you could not be any further from the truth. I just literally don’t know where to begin correct you, there are just too many holes in you previous statements but this is your opinion I suppose, so I will leave it at that. Matt, also it sounds like the people you know just simply don’t like hispanics or feel uncomfortable by the vast majority of hispanics in this area- look- my statement is one simply based on status which greatly overrides race in the context and ecosystem of Miami Beach. Again, money rules south beach and Miami Beach. If you have it- you’re not going anywhere- haha how is that so hard to believe.

Posted on 11/12/2013 at 5:00 PM

FrankR says:

Miami is a sanctuary city.  This is common knowledge.  Everyone I know in Miami is either an illegal alien or they are the relative of an illegal alien.

Posted on 11/12/2013 at 11:19 PM

AJ Sardina says:

You forgot to mention the dude that rides his bicycle only in a thong!

Posted on 12/15/2013 at 8:56 PM

Matt Meltzer says:

AJ though that guy is funny as Hell, do you really need to know about him before moving?

Posted on 12/15/2013 at 11:39 PM

AJ Sardina says:

@Matt, no not at all. .besides im not going anywhere. ..305 till death do us part.
How is it that d thong guy is funny, funny how?

Posted on 12/16/2013 at 1:37 PM

Johnny Saint says:

Miami. ..Welcome to the Banana Republic!

Posted on 12/16/2013 at 5:03 PM

FrankR1 says:

I wonder if the author of this article ever imagined how vitriolic the posts would become.  Like any other major city in America, I would say Miami should be a “Try it before you buy it.”  You need to visit Miami for at least 2 weeks before you decide to relocate here.  The main difference between Miami and the U.S./Mexico border is that more people on the U.S./Mexico border speak and understand English than they do in Miami. 

I am not knocking people who speak a different language than English, because none of us decided where we would be born.  What I am saying is that on the U.S./Mexico border you will find more “English-literate” people per capita than you find in Miami-Dade County.  People in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California understand that it is in their best interest to learn English.  Many people in Miami, Florida seem to think they have moved to a Latin American country.  I have to translate for both English speakers and Spanish speakers where I live because of the lingual divide here in Miami.

Posted on 12/17/2013 at 10:04 PM

Johnny Saint says:

Most of these r True; and some r very accurate.
So y do so many take it so darn personal,
Y? Because no1wants to hear the truth.

Posted on 12/19/2013 at 11:23 AM

Dumb people love Miami says:

..because they don’t stand out there. It’s a land of low standards, where no one needs to be intelligent, classy or well-mannered.

It should be considered child abuse to have kids and raise them in that city.

Posted on 01/28/2014 at 5:30 PM

Cali says:

Miami is full of stupid cubans who need to go back to cuba . They think they run miami ed hardy tight clothes with mo hawks that shit is played out pussy’s. los angeles is a better city

Posted on 03/12/2014 at 12:11 PM

Mike says:

Anyone thinking about moving to Miami should read this!!!!!!!!!!  Totally on the mark….especially point #21!  Unfortunately I have to commute between Miami and Denver.  As my plane descends to land at the airport here in Miami, I can actually feel the IQ level going down along with the elevation of the plane.

Posted on 04/24/2014 at 12:29 PM

Marina says:

My husband and I live in Miami (expensive high rise tower).  We had a shooting in our building several months ago - between some gang-bangers who lived there - probably over a drug deal that went bad.  Anyway, while watching the police and emergency providers, a British woman standing near me said “Miami is the toilet of the US”.  In turn, I replied, “Miami isn’t the US”.  When I told my husband this story, he just laughed and said that “both statements are actually correct”.

Posted on 04/24/2014 at 1:30 PM

Matt Meltzer says:

Marina…COMMENT OF THE WEEK

Posted on 04/24/2014 at 4:26 PM

Don says:

“Miami is the toilet of the US”  If only it were as simple as pulling a small handle to flush all the shit right down and out of Miami.  Unfortunately the collective turd is so damn big that the toilet would clog and you’d need more than just a plunger to ensure the shit gets where it needs to go.  Miami would then be one of the greatest places to live.

Posted on 04/24/2014 at 7:28 PM

rick says:

the only thing this article does is produce stupid comments from stupid people about what they deem to be stupid people

Posted on 04/24/2014 at 9:01 PM

Mona says:

I would bet money that the last 4 comments are from people who currently live in Miami.  I also had a lot of bad things to say until I moved.  Thats when you realise how great Miami is.

Posted on 04/25/2014 at 9:13 PM

Hate Gringto says:

I think your just a hater and are mad that NO HOT Spanish girl wanted to get with you.  You Gringo loser like them all

Posted on 04/29/2014 at 3:24 PM

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Posted on 06/07/2014 at 1:00 AM

Cami says:

The guy who wrote the original article is exaggerating, it is not true! Some parts are partially true, but not like he states it. He is probably hating because Miami has the biggest population of hispanic people, is one of the most diverse places, is very international. It seems he had a culture shock!

Posted on 06/09/2014 at 9:54 PM

Matt Meltzer says:

DIVERSE??? Miami is 67% Hispanic. In what world does one ethnicity making up 2/3 of a population make for “diversity?”

Posted on 06/09/2014 at 11:22 PM

Cami says:

Hispanic is not one and the same, there are many continents, nationalities under the “hispanic” concept, that includes central, north, south america, and including the iberian peninsula of Portugal and Spain. On top of that there is a lot of tourism from Europe, and all over the world! Just bc the people that live there are mostly native spanish speakers, does not mean it is not diverse. What about regions of the USA where it is 98% non-hispanic White and only 3% other ethnicities, that is what is NOT DIVERSE! And is understandable that many people would have culture shocks, and clashes in that city bc it so diverse with people of so many different nationalities! and is not for everyone! It is a very international city where famous artists from ALL OVER THE WORLD HAVE their mansions, and vacation spots! The city is AMAZING! TOURISTIC, IS HUGE, HAS MANY DIFFERENT SECTORS THAT ARE NOT ALL THE SAME! Clean your fingers and look at yourself first before pointing out negatives and creating prejudice at other places and people.

Posted on 06/10/2014 at 8:24 PM

Matt Meltzer says:

I mean….I’d say the vast majority of Americans consider Hispanic one ethnicity. Ask most Americans to differentiate between a Brazilian, Argentine, Cuban and Mexican and we can’t, nor do we care to. As far as Americans are concerned, it’s all one and the same, much like we’ve been lumped into the giant “white” category. If you doubt this, check out the US Census. Last I saw it didn’t break down by Hispanic country.

It’s all good, but diverse is a place like LA, New York, San Fran or Texas, where you’ve got a solid representation of a lot of ethnicities. Miami’s pretty much got one.

Posted on 06/11/2014 at 12:20 AM

Glad I left says:

I find it very interesting how Miami residents that have never been outside the figurative walls of Miami-Dade County continuously defend the Hispanic ethnicity as being many. The low level of education, or perhaps the laziness of educating oneself speaks volumes. Those of you who have posted percentages, please do your research before you post erroneous data and information.

Now I may not completely agree with how the rest of the country (the majority) identifies ethnicities, but what some Miami residents here are mistakenly referring to the “diversity” of Miami is in reality the diverse Hispanic cultures. As a Cuban-American born and raised in Miami, I can identify the difference in the Venezuelan, Colombian, Brazilian, and the rest of the Hispanic nation’s cultures that have made their way to Miami. However, while in Miami, these cultures easily, and quite effectively, have merged throughout the years of multiple waves of migrations. Therefore, these blended diverse cultures, for lack of a better identification process, are ALL Hispanic.

As I have lived and experienced many diverse, and not so diverse locations within the US, and currently living in D.C., it is safe to say that Miami is NOT as diverse as those residents believe. Do yourself a favor and explore the rest of the country before making uninformed, uneducated comments.

Posted on 06/11/2014 at 8:46 AM

camilo says:

There is so much hatred that is just focused on race and culture. Every city has its good and bad parts, especially a metropolis, whether it is majoritarly one people or the other that compose it. Whether it Paris, NYc, LA, Berlin, Moscow, Bogota. It really is not that bad as the author exaggerates it. Overall, with its minus and pluses; it is a very nice place,  On top of that Mr. glad you are mentioning the dade county only, what about the north, east, south of the city? is all the same? NO. You say to explore the rest of the country like if I have not. And it is awesome that racists like you have left.

Posted on 06/11/2014 at 7:17 PM

Glad I left says:

Camilo, my comment was an overall statement based on all the comments on this post not just yours. I’m not sure how you derived hatred from my comment, imply that I’m racist, and even assume that I am a “Mr.”

Your comment, ladies and gentleman, is exactly my point!

Posted on 06/12/2014 at 7:53 AM

mysticjeanie says:

Also, back in the 70’s, Miami was full of whites and Cubans…very few other minorities and ethnicities. It wasn’t until
the surplus of other ethnicities from South America, the Caribbean, and Central America that Miami became a poor dump.
There are areas in Miami that do have potential and are much better than in the 90s. However, there is so much corruption and greed, I don’t know if it’ll ever change for the better—especially for the future generations.

Posted on 06/15/2014 at 8:22 PM

mysticjeanie says:

Hot, young educated female, who reads books (shocker) and is Cuban-American here. Yes, I consider myself an ABC (an American-born Cuban), and I do NOT speak Spanish. What this author says is true…and anyone who puts their child in a public Miami-Dade school is comitting child abuse. I am SO thankful I grew up in suburban cities such as Houston, TX and in south Florida. (I have an uncle who still has a thick Spanglish accent as if he just recently came from Cuba instead of in ‘76 who SWEARS Miami is the best…and yet has only been to El Paso, TX and boasts about FIU as if it’s the new Yale.) Even while I was going to college in Orlando, I’ve converse with far more intelligent people than in Miami…that is in my age/generation. The first time I came back to Miami (before it took yearrrssss to find a salaried job), I was insulted by an elderly “Cubanaso” man of who-knows what era…because I did not speak Spanish; ironically, he was trying to compliment me on “my beauty” and it backfired. There is a reason why I like the “white-er” American areas of Miami—class and intelligence. Everything else sucks in Miami.

Posted on 06/15/2014 at 8:33 PM

Matt Meltzer says:

mysticjeanie that might be my favorite comment I’ve gotten on this article. Of the 237

Posted on 06/16/2014 at 2:27 PM

calicojack says:

the only good thing about miami is visiting for a little while…., and then leaving!

Posted on 06/25/2014 at 12:03 AM

Brian says:

This pretty much explains most of South Florida, Broward and Palm Beach Counties included.  Jobs that don’t pay or no jobs, leased luxury cars, nobody works and lives with their parents.  Just go to the mall or any public place frequently during the middle of the week and you will see plenty people of the working age walking around dragging their feet wearing t-shirts, shorts and flip flops.

Posted on 06/30/2014 at 11:55 AM

Glad I left too says:

I lasted 4 years in this shit hole before moving to Atlanta. Yep. Atlanta. And yes, it’s better. I can’t tell if it was when the priest in the E-class cut me off (and 4 other lanes of traffic) on 95S to switch from the 395 EB exit to the 836 WB exit, or if it was the time a white Escalade ran me down in broad daylight and left me to die on the street (woke up in Jackson), but somehow I knew that this mono-cultured depraved a-moral shit hole of a god forsaken swamp was an utter decrepit sham of a city.

Fuck you Miami. I wont be back.

Posted on 07/25/2014 at 11:39 PM

Ana Molina says:

Dear Matt,
I am hispanic and I lived in California for 10 years, my salary rate was always lower than my white co-workers. Same thing happens with this city. Corporate America pays bad salaries to us, for the same old reason: Discrimination and racism.
I don’t expect you to like us, but I am don’t consider myself trashy and dumb.
By the way, have you ever traveled to a latin country?
Thanks

Posted on 07/27/2014 at 9:14 PM

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